Is name-calling in a relationship normal or a sign of disrespect?

[Perimenopausal42]

Is name calling normal in relationships?

Over the years my partner has told me I'm pathetic, stupid, thick as fuck. I've challenged him told him not to call me names it's disrespectful. After it happened this morning we have just been having a chat and he says if you do something stupid I'm going to say it's stupid I said well don't he says he's not going to do that.

I said my parents don't call each other and my brother doesn't with his wife ( he scoffed at this) and it's made me wonder do people in relationships call each other? I dont do it so expect him not to he says he's not going to change.

Pack your bags.

This is 100% disrespectful and I’m sorry you are spoken to in this way by someone who is supposed to love and care for you.

I would not tolerate my partner saying any of those things to me and the fact that he can’t even apologise and scoffs at you shows his maturity and his disregard for you

No it’s not normal. No it’s not acceptable.

Also if you did do something stupid, that doesn’t make you stupid. “That was a daft thing to do” is a mile away from “you are stupid”.

As for “thick as fuck”? No. Not no way never. No how. I would consider my future with DP if he said that.

It’s not just disrespectful. It’s abusive.

This.
These words have absolutely no place in a loving relationship. There is no way, in hell, my partner would ever speak to me this way. Real love is grounded in respect, always ❤️

Not normal. LTB.

I think it's pretty sad you even need to ask if this is normal OP. Like all abusive men he has got you doubting yourself.
He has told you he has no intention of changing. Please leave this relationship.

He does not respect you. You need to leave this bully.

For the love of god and all that is almighty what the fuck are you doing with this total test. If ANYONE spoke to me like that they would be out of the door. With my foot very firmly up they’re arse.

Why are you with him and why do you tolerate this behaviour?

That’s an awful way to speak to anyone, and I don’t think there’s any way back from it.

FWIW ExH spoke to me like this all the time and I got desensitised to it over the years but when I left it was like a weight had been lifted and life immediately improved.

It’s abuse. If normal people think their partner has done something stupid they will say “What were you thinking???” or similar. They will not say “You are thick as fuck.”

I've been with DH for 22 years and we've never called each other names.

It's not normal.

Nope, not normal. I've been married 36 years and my DH and I have never spoken to each other like that. Get away from him, you deserve better!

So sorry OP, it’s not normal. I’ve been married and divorced, now with a different long term partner for over a decade. DP has never called me a single name other than affectionate ones. My ex husband did try to put me down at times and ultimately we had a painful and difficult parting but even he didn’t resort to calling me names (not to my face anyway!)

Could it have to do with what has been modelled in his own family? Not that this would make it acceptable - he obviously sees no reason to change his behaviour.

In your shoes, I would definitely leave him. I left my ex for less.

It's not 'normal' and it is unacceptable behaviour.

You've spoken to him about so see if there's a change. I am concerned about the "scoffing" too.

Some of the words you typed are terrible - but I myself say "that was silly" or "don't be silly" NOT "that was stupid" or "you are stupid". I do think there is a difference there.

Has this happened throughout your relationship or recently started? 💐

It’s abusive, and a clear sign of lack of fundamental respect for you.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can fix the problem by insisting he can’t speak to you like that though. When my ex called me a “fucking bitch”, I told him if he ever spoke to me that way again our relationship would be over.

He never did, but he sure found plenty of other ways to show his contempt for me. Personally I wish I had left then and saved myself years of stress.

The correct way to argue is to be constructive and come to a consensus and understanding. It's ridiculous when a person can act civil and never say those things to a boss or to store personnel they're irritated with, yet they are so comfortable verbally insulting the person who cares for them when they are sick, who shares meals and a bed with them, etc.

He says he's not willing to change, so if you possess self-love, you will have no choice but to leave. If you wouldn't give the advice to stay in this situation to a beloved friend or relative or grown child, then doesn't it make sense you should value yourself enough not to put up with it?

I'd tell him: Every time you insult me, my love for you grows smaller and smaller. Since you say you won't stop, I've decided to leave now since why would I invest more time into a lose-lose situation?

Cruel beyond belief.

There’s a huge difference between saying something you’re doing is stupid vs calling you stupid…he doesn’t seem to know that.

He is a big red flag and a disrespectful jerk. He doesn’t even care that it bothers you and is defending himself instead.

No, not normal. We've been together over 30 years and DH has not once called me a name or put me down. We like each other.

If he’s ‘not going to change’, then I suggest the change comes from you.

The change would come from me if my husband spoke to me the ways yours does to you.