Is name-calling in a relationship normal or a sign of disrespect?

[Perimenopausal42]

Is name calling normal in relationships?

Over the years my partner has told me I'm pathetic, stupid, thick as fuck. I've challenged him told him not to call me names it's disrespectful. After it happened this morning we have just been having a chat and he says if you do something stupid I'm going to say it's stupid I said well don't he says he's not going to do that.

I said my parents don't call each other and my brother doesn't with his wife ( he scoffed at this) and it's made me wonder do people in relationships call each other? I dont do it so expect him not to he says he's not going to change.

Why on earth would you think that is normal?

There is a massive difference between saying 'that was a stupid thing to do' and 'you are stupid'. One is a natural expression of frustration that comes out in any long term relationship because we all do stupid things sometimes and those actions annoy our partners.

But to call you stupid is different. That is a criticism of who you are, not what you did. I would never stay around with someone who had such a low opinion of me as a person, but I fully accept DH having the occasional go at me when I do thoughtless things.

Nope - that kind of insulting, hurtful language towards your partner is abusive. Not acceptable on any level.

He can call you stupid. And you can call him an ex-partner. As soon as possible.

I been with my DH for over 40 years and he has never said anything like this to me ever.

Would he use those words in front of others? If yes, he's an abusive arsehole and you need to leave ASAP. If not, then he's even worse and you need to leave ASAP.

Not normal in any relationship I've ever been in.

Yeah, we do name call, I don't like it, but in reality I'm just as bad. We've always been like this though. Have a fiery argument, and then we make up and all is well. Been together 18 years. Mostly get on well, but we can both be arseholes when we argue.

These aren’t names, they are disgustingly descriptives that have no place in a loving relationship. My cousin ‘s partner calls her ‘fatty’ in an ‘affectionate’ way, which may be a thing between them as he is more overweight than she is, but it makes me wince.
He’s no good, has no respect and enjoys putting you down. leave.

No it is not normal, not by a long way, and nobody with any sense of common decency would speak to their partner like that.

It isn't a sign of 'disrespect', it is a sign of being seriously nasty and unpleasant, and in this case - abusive.

Sorry, ‘over the years’? How has this gone on so long? My DP and I get frustrated with each other, but I cannot imagine either of us talking like this.

It shows contempt. Please don’t stay with someone who is contemptuous towards you. It’s abusive, it won’t improve, and it might get a lot worse.

I can’t believe you had to ask that question, in what world is it ever ok for one person to say things like that to someone else, let alone a partner, it might be his way of belittling you to wear you down so he can control you, or, he might just be a fuckin bellend! Don’t let him win!

No OP, it’s absolutely not normal.

You might get annoyed with a partner and tell them they did something a bit daft/stupid but when it’s personalised to the person, that’s crossing a massive line. I would say it’s abusive.

I would never call my friends, family, kids or partner a name.

Its disrespectful, hurtful and unnecessary (use better language skills please 🙄)

If anyone is loved or cared about called me a name, they wouldn't be in my life anymore.

You can be annoyed at someone/have disagreements etc without calling them names.

My thoughts exactly. And he says he's not going to change, so he clearly doesn't care about your feelings. Sadly, this relationship isn't worth salvaging.

Absolutely do not call each other names or say thigs like that to each other here ( well, I did say to DH yesterday 'you bloody muppet' when he rang me and said 'Hi mam, how are you?' and I informed him he'd rang me and not his mum) but never with cruel intentions

I'm so sad for you but I'm another voice saying No, that is not normal, not kind, not loving. I don't think he likes you much, let alone respects you. Don't stay with him. You deserve better.