Emotional Intelligence

[Snafu49]

is anyone in a relationship with someone who has much lower emotional intelligence than them and found a way to make it work? (Not me saying DP has low EQ - our counsellor explained that DP has much lower emotional intelligence than me)

Not currently, but I have in the past.
I left because I realised that he wasnt bothering to do anything to work on it praoctively. He would just go 'im working on it!! Im trying!!' Whenever he yet again upset me from only thinking about himself and not paying any attention or care to how I was feeling. I dont know about you, but when I work on something i actively look for information on how to do that, and opportunities to practice what ive learnt...

Emotional intelligence ? Women dont look for that in a man. They want a man who has no emotional intelligence but who can miraculously "change" after meeting them.

A man who said to another man that they had emotional intelligence would be laughed at.

That's seen as a weakness.

What!! Drivel!!

"Our" counsellor has seen you both then and made this judgement. The counsellor doesn't mean lack of empathy?
I imagine that there's a lot of ground to cover in order to understand his "lack" of emotional intelligence. Childhood and upbringing for example.
What age is your DP? Is he younger than you?

This isn’t very useful, but I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, so you have examples?

Not sure what’s happening on this thread so far 😂 but I am interested in the discussion! I have far greater emotional intelligence than my partner.

I have amazing and close female friends I’ve known for years that I can discuss everything with. I had a complex childhood and have had to navigate a fair amount in my life so far. I have had therapy.

My DH went to boarding school from a young age. His parents showed him little love and he struggles with his relationship with them now. He is uncomfortable talking about his emotions, and refuses to go to therapy (even though it would benefit him!)

He has many good qualities, but I’ve learned that if I want emotional support, that’s when I go to aforementioned female friends!

It is quite frustrating though and sometimes I wonder if it’s ‘enough’. Interested to hear how others cope.

I'm not sure it's helpful to talk about emotional intelligence because it suggests that their capacity is fixed and there's nothing they can do about it. Emotional literacy might be a better concept...it would include the ability to be aware of your own feelings and needs, as well as other people's. I absolutely think this is something that can be learned if there is a willingness.

How do you experience this and does he know?
Those are the things to look at first.

It's difficult to respond without knowing exactly what you mean.

Do you mean your partner is nasty/won't try to improve? Or do you mean he desperately wants to improve but is mentally unable to empathise with other humans?

Could you give a couple of examples of scenarios of when he demonstrates low emotional intelligence? Or, when the two of you discuss something emotionally tricky how does the conversation go?

Both my parents! But that’s not helpful to you. I’d say my husband’s emotional intelligence has evolved and so has mine but he started from a much lower place. It depends how low, low but accepting then yes possible to change, low but totally oblivious then difficult.

I have far more emotional intelligence than my other half. He doesn’t have a fucking clue how to comfort anybody, doesn’t think with his feelings, is very logical, and it winds me up. But that’s him and I love him. However he’s not one for pet names, cutesy stuff at all that he knows I love but he just doesn’t do it. He’s not romantic and emotional like I am. I don’t know how long I can let it slide for because I really need those things to feel loved. He says “if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be here” okay what else? Tell me what you love about me instead of saying “well, I just do”

its an ick. I love him so much but it’s an ick. I don’t know if you could make it work.

How does his lower emotional intelligence manifest?

I think maybe a lot of what you are talking about love languages and preferences, rather than emotional intelligence?

I would say emotional intelligence is more like an ability to detect emotions in others and empathise, plus an understanding of your own emotions and ideally a willingness to express them. I don't think it's got anything to do with cute nicknames and how logical you are.

Yes mine went to therapy/men's group and continues to evolve and grow as do I. It was a deal breaker for me. I need to be with someone who shares my values and raising children in (my opinion)a healthy way.

Can you explain more clearly?

It's really very simple. Emotional intelligence isn't manly and not something that draws people or attracts women. Other men see it as weakness and thats why the men you've married and no doubt had kids with hasn't got any.

Think about it. Your man isn't there to comfort people or to nurture, and nobody wants a man who does. You want a mans man with tattoos, who looks like he can handle himself.

That kind of person your not going to get any kind of intelligence from, certainly not emotional. I dont know why your at all surprised when you find he's almost emotionless.

Oh my goodness you have lived a very strange life if you actually think this.

I am a normal, emotionally intelligent woman. I looked for a man who was also emotionally intelligent, because these men make the best husbands. A man who is manly enough to stand up to the stupid men and claim his emotional intelligence proudly. Not a lily-livered man who hides his strengths due to fear of peer pressure.

If I'd wanted the Neanderthal in your description I might as well marry my dog.

You're kidding, right?

Grammar isn't manly either apparently.

Seriously. Get help!

The current inmate in the White House appears to think exclusively with his feelings and with no apparent logic at all. If that's your thing maybe Melania will let you take him off her hands.

Nice effort, but you over-egged the pudding a bit there. Women very much appreciate emotionally intelligent men - not self-centred, overly emotional types who claim to be emotionally aware, but those who actually are.

So do other men appreciate it, not just women. It's an important quality in managers (not always present) - it's not just important to relationships with friends and family.

I don't think it's one of my strengths. I am quite good at telling how people are feeling, but I don't really know how to react. Emotions weren't encouraged by my mother, and any show of strong emotions tended to be used as ammunition against you at some point, so it was best to keep things hidden.

Weird thought content.

I can't stand manly men. Surly grunters. Often smelly. Generally lousy in bed. Boring.

Give me a fine boned man with long hair, a penchant for art, and the ability to talk to me like a human any day. I don't even mind if he dresses like a dandy.

Very true! And it's not one of my strengths either. My DH is actually much better with emotions than I am - both expressing them, and responding to them appropriately in others - as my family were rather emotionally repressed too.