Partner saving sexualised photos of colleague and my sister

[ArtfulTaupeExpert]

I am looking for some advice on my partner, we have been together for about 5 years. We have two kids together who are under 3 years old. We are both 30 years old, I am a female and he is male.

I recently found out that my partner has been screen shotting photos of a woman we work together with, these are from her social media and they are clearly photos that have been screen shotted to be used for sexual reasons as these are photos of her with her breasts being shown (she is wearing revealing dresses in both photos). He told me that he just fantasises about this person sometimes when masturbating alone and uses her photos. He said that he will never do it again about someone we know, as it hurts my feelings now that I found out. He said he has deleted any kind of photo that may have been like that. He said he still loves me and wants to spend his life with me.

I want to note also, I found a hidden album in his phone that had a photo of my sisters upper thigh tattoo, this photo was one she had only sent to me on WhatsApp but he has somehow taken a photo of this from my phone when I’ve not been around so I wouldn’t know. This photo shows her upper thigh and hip area. I have not yet confronted him about this as the thought makes me ill after dealing with the colleague photo.

I don’t know what to do, I constantly now feel sick to my stomach and uneasy. This is the man I thought I would love for the rest of my life. I can’t get the thoughts out my head or understand why he would do all of this when he said he is happy with me. Can someone give me advice on this?

TLDR: my partner has secretly been screen shotting and saving photos on his phone of a work colleague we both work with and photos of my sister to use for sexual purposes.

He’s a creep! I couldn’t be with someone like that.

Gross sorry. I couldn’t forgive that, especially the photos of your sister. What about future family events etc? How uncomfortable you will feel.

Yuck. That would just do it for me. I couldn't be with him sexually and would have to find a way to end the relationship. But as for advice as to what you should do what do you want to do? My only advice is get your ducks in a row.

I am really sorry this is happening to you as I can only imagine the mental stress this is causing you.
I know my mind would not be able to drop this and I think personally I’d always be angry and feel unable to trust him moving forward . However I know myself having two under 5s that financially it’s a really hard thought to just walk away and try and make life work practically. Also- I know when I have thought about leaving DH and sharing custody of the children it’s a scary thought but I know that you have to put your mental health first and to be honest- his behaviour is , in my opinion odd.

I think I’d be getting my ducks in a row. Are you married ? Is it viable to leave ?

I think that deep down you know he will just palm you off. You have the evidence , you know what you will accept and know if you can trust him again moving forward. I think the fact that it’s your sister is the deal breaker but I understand it’s not always so easy to walk away.

Don’t let him talk his way out of this xxx

We are not married, no. Funnily enough we were talking about getting married a few weeks ago. He has said he would never do anything physical with these people it was all fantasy. One thing is the colleague but my sister I just can’t get my head around that. Trust me, I feel so sick to my stomach. I have two beautiful girls and all I wanted for them is to grow up in a happy and healthy home. This just isn’t what I ever thought my partner was capable of doing. He tried to say there is a lot of people out there that would save photos of colleagues privately and then delete them after masturbating. I just don’t think it’s normal and this is why I’ve came on here to have others opinions on this. I appreciate your response and help x @Ohbabypinkpanties

Guarantee this is the tip of the iceberg.
Bin it.

I think people can find other people attractive, and possibly even think about them sexually at times. But saving photos on their phone, and the taking a photo of a private photo your sister sent you, would be a step too far for me. He went through your phone and took a photo that was not intended for his eyes. Seems a breach of trust.

Sounds like any woman is fair game to him OP.

Telling you he masturbates to photos of other women is disrespectful enough to you. The fact that he getsofff on doing it to photos of women he knows and interacts with in everyday life is just disgusting. Any woman is just a sex object to him apparently.
Telling you he loves you whilst behaving in this way shows he totally compartmentalises different aspect of his life

You are never going to be able to trust him knowing that he sexualises the women he interacts on a daily basis

At the very least it would give me the massive Ick. It’s something a teenager would do, although seemingly this is how men are nowadays. Easy to say him leave, but your lives are entwined. But that is what I think. He isn’t going to stop any of this, he is just going to hide it. Do you really want to spend your life on the lookout or hyperfocused on what he is or isn’t doing, you will never relax. Inevitably you are going to be thinking about this a lot now, and if you stay with him. This knowledge about him isn’t going away. You have one life, it’s a precious thing and you will be wasting it with him, focusing on him rather than living your life to the full.

He's perving on your sister and invaded your privacy by stealing the picture from your phone. He's disgusting.

Sorry you have to go through this. At least you know. It is awful.

Surely you mean EX partner! He gives me the ick even thinking about it!

So when we were discussing this he said it’s something he has always done since he was a teenager and prior to being in serious committed relationships. He did admit though that he does this as a quick release and then deletes any photo he saves usually. I know at the end of the day this will probably never leave my mind. I don’t know why I am trying to find an answer that says thing will get better as deep down I know it won’t. Thanks for your response @WiltonGal

@AlwaysAFaithful they are both under 3 :(

Why did he tell you this? He must think that you would be ok with it! His moral compass is skewed if he thinks thinks this is normal and that you would be comfortable finding out.

It is creepy. If he thinks this is ok to tell you this, what things is he not telling you about?

This is sickening!

plus I don’t think I could be around this colleague every day knowing my husband mastrubates over her and fantasies about having sex with her. Number 1 I’d feel so bad for her that she’s oblivious to him using her photos in that way, and she’s presumably chatting and bring friendly towards him 🤢 Number 2, it would make me feel shit about myself and the fact I had to interact with a colleague on the daily knowing my H wants to shag her would erode my self esteem.

And that’s before I start on your poor sister and him stealing a photo she sent privately to you and expected it to be confidential. Does he just scroll through your WhatsApp chats with family and friends looking for photos to wank over?? Massive breach of trust to add to everything else.

like others have said, this is the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what slaw there is you don’t know about. There would be no coming back from this for me

Don't look for excuses, explanations or answers OP. This is absolutely unacceptable behaviour and imho unforgivable. He's invaded your privacy and has shown he's no better than a pervy voyeur. He admits he has been doing it for a long time so he's unlikely to change now.

I'm so sorry that this has happened and it's made you feel so bad. I can completely understand how you're feeling. My perspective is a little different.

I really hate pornography (I know this is different in many ways, not least these women didn't even tangentially agree to these photos being used in this way), and I'd also feel very uncomfortable about these photos. BUT. I wouldn't leave over this in the circumstances you've given.

He sounds contrived, acknowledged his actions, and recognises this caused you discomfort. I'd see how you go. Yes, I'd keep an eye, but (despite handing out many a LTB on here), this wouldn't be my response here.

I was in a slightly similar situation about 12 years ago (saw porn hub use on his phone whilst i was pregnant with the youngest, so you can imagine my response) and it all worked out well for us.

Good luck ago gently on yourself. This was upsetting and unsettling and it will take a while to feel better (assuming he's learned a lesson here).

Jesus wept, this is beyond creepy! Can you imagine how you'd feel if you knew that a colleague or your sister's partner was using your photos to wank over? 🤢 your partner is a creepy pervert!

I know most people would say this is not technically cheating but I still wouldn't be able to feel the same way about him again. His attempts to justify his behaviour just makes it even worse - he doesn't think what he's doing is wrong. These women are just objects to him to be used for his own sexual satisfaction.

If I were you, I'd be getting my ducks in a row, which I appreciate is not easy with two very young children. But I couldn't stay in a relationship with this man.

I’m going to be blunt. Like someone else said this will be the tip of the iceberg.

Porn is so easily accessible that this isn’t just a way for him to relive himself, it’s a kink, which means it’s most likely the only way he can get off. He gets turned on by fantasising about people he shouldn’t and the taboo of that gets him off that’s why he’s taken a photo of your sister from your WhatsApp.

I would really worry that in time this kink could progress to his own family if you catch what I’m trying to say. You should break up with him I’m sorry he’s a creep. They only get sicker.

What you do is move on and get this pervert out of your life. He has wanked over a photo of your sister ffs how is that forgivable. And the way he got that photo, ugh he knows what he is doing.

Oh dear god, this is vile. He’s a creep op. You know this now. He’s perving on your sister! I couldn’t be dealing with that, no way. He has to go. I’m really sorry you are going through this.

@TheKindnessProject thank you for your kind response. Pornography I can accept as most people use this as a fantasy escape and I would say in some relationships this is normal if it’s agreed to be. But these photos are of woman I know family/colleague so I’m struggling to come to terms with that and move forward sadly :(

He’s an absolute creep. Him being happy with you etc is neither here nor there. These type of men only view women as objects for their pleasure, he won’t ever be an equal partner, and he isn’t going to suddenly have a lightbulb moment. He’s a sexual predator. Disgusting.

its also incredibly unpleasant for your sister to be violated by your partner in this way.