Partner saving sexualised photos of colleague and my sister

[ArtfulTaupeExpert]

I am looking for some advice on my partner, we have been together for about 5 years. We have two kids together who are under 3 years old. We are both 30 years old, I am a female and he is male.

I recently found out that my partner has been screen shotting photos of a woman we work together with, these are from her social media and they are clearly photos that have been screen shotted to be used for sexual reasons as these are photos of her with her breasts being shown (she is wearing revealing dresses in both photos). He told me that he just fantasises about this person sometimes when masturbating alone and uses her photos. He said that he will never do it again about someone we know, as it hurts my feelings now that I found out. He said he has deleted any kind of photo that may have been like that. He said he still loves me and wants to spend his life with me.

I want to note also, I found a hidden album in his phone that had a photo of my sisters upper thigh tattoo, this photo was one she had only sent to me on WhatsApp but he has somehow taken a photo of this from my phone when I’ve not been around so I wouldn’t know. This photo shows her upper thigh and hip area. I have not yet confronted him about this as the thought makes me ill after dealing with the colleague photo.

I don’t know what to do, I constantly now feel sick to my stomach and uneasy. This is the man I thought I would love for the rest of my life. I can’t get the thoughts out my head or understand why he would do all of this when he said he is happy with me. Can someone give me advice on this?

TLDR: my partner has secretly been screen shotting and saving photos on his phone of a work colleague we both work with and photos of my sister to use for sexual purposes.

Urgh you need to leave, he’s a creep.
As PP have said this behaviour is likely to progress to more extreme stuff like taking his own creepy photos of women (if it hasn’t already)

He's not a keeper.

Sorry about your situation. For me it's game over, couldn't forgive that and also what else is there to discover ?

Why does he need you to know that he masturbates and what to. It's all so gross and he has no respect for women.

Not remotely normal and if he's always been doing it, it won't change.

So sorry that you’re in this situation, especially with such young kids. It’s very disturbing on so many levels, and I wouldn’t be able to move on from it personally. You deserve better than this.

For me it would be a run situation. Simply because I don’t know how I would ever be able to get over someone having a sexual interest in my sister and maintain any form of self-esteem, willingness to be intimate etc.

Edited to add he’s also broken your trust by going through your phone so that would be another difficult one for me to overcome.

Your girls can still grow up in a happy, healthy home.

It will be more happier and healthier with him.

The type of man who pervs and wanks off to pictures your sister is not worth having around.

I think you need to concentrate less on the colleague and more on what your partner has actually done. The photo of your sister would really concern me. He didn’t just see something publicly posted & he took a private photo from your phone without your knowledge and secretly kept it in a hidden album.
I would confront him about that before making any decisions, because you need to know exactly what else he has saved and whether this is something that has happened with other women too. Your feelings are completely understandable. It’s not simply that he finds other women attractive; it’s the secrecy, taking private photos without permission and deliberately hiding them that would destroy my trust too.
Please don’t let him brush this off as harmless fantasising. You deserve an honest explanation and to feel safe and respected in your relationship.

Sorry but you need to get rid of him.
this is no way no way no way acceptable or normal!!!
Can you imagine if some bloke at work did this to you???!!!! Jesus Christ. They truly walk amongst us! It’s like something from a hideous Netflix documentary.
Honestly you need to also tell his employer. I feel sorry for you & I feel incredibly sorry for his colleague and anyone else he is doing this to.

Have you done a Clare’s law request on him.. I’d be tempted tbh. This made me think of the pellicot case and how that was initially uncovered.. a seedy man filming in the supermarket. I reckon there’s likely loads more than you know about op.
Can you seek some help / advice ; maybe women’s aid? They could give you some advice on what is legal and what crosses the line. He is very close to it imo if not over it

Sorry OP, this is disgusting and if it's something he's done since his teens, he won't stop now. It's likely that the voyeuristic aspect of doing this to women he knows without their awareness is part of the turn-on for him. If you stay with this guy he'll be doing the same thing with your DDs' teenage friends in a few years time. Start making plans to leave.

Aside from the obvious creepiness of it all, I must admit what strikes me as odd is that he would masturbate over just a photo, as nowadays most men prefer to wank to video rather than photos, and it’s so easy to get porn online. You know what I mean - long gone are those days of men using the lingerie section of a catalogue, and unfortunately it means that people seek more and more graphic stuff for that thrill. So just a photo of a thigh, or your colleague in a low cut dress (I presume she was not actually bare breasted in it), would seem quite ‘tame’. But obviously it’s not tame because of the way he’s gone about it and it being people you know.
So maybe what others have said is true that being voyeuristic is what he gets his kicks from, which is very concerning.

Oh op, once you see it you can not unsee it,
As for the sister pic, do you really need him to explain this, he went on your phone and taken a screen shot, why , you don't need to ask op you know, it doesn't matter what reason/ excuses he gives,
So ewful what he is doing op, hope you find some strength here op

Can you imagine if some bloke at work did this to you???!!!! Jesus Christ. They truly walk amongst us!

I think this would be fairly common. Not excusable obviously, and most probably wouldn’t save the pictures, but I can imagine men who are sexually attracted to women they know accessing their social media and using it to have a wank. It’s horrible, but if they can access photos of them it’s preferable to them and easier than simply using their imaginations like most women would if they had a crush or limerence.

It’s gross, but social media has allowed access to us in a way ppl just didn’t have before. Grim, but we have to accept this happens.

Have you asked him if he has any photos of you which he took without your knowledge as this seems to be the kind of creepy thing he would do.

Essentially he's told you that he likes to masturbate whilst thinking about your sister. When you have sex is he thinking about her and not you?

Its very sick. Its voyeuristic, exploitative, and focused on women he knows—colleague and your sister. Imagine the creepy, incel like sense of misogynistic entitlement he is displaying. And he doesn’t even know—or pretends not to know—how wrong this is because its “only for masturbation?” This is a sociopathic lack if empathy and compassion he is displaying!

He has done this before and he will do it again. Profile of someone who has CSAM on his computer but who thinks its fine.

I would cut your losses and protect your sister and your daughters by leaving him.

You will never be at peace with him. Anyone is fair game.

Google Minwalla ‘secret sexual basement’.

https://minwallamodel.com/article/ten-steps-to-building-a-secret-sexual-basement/

https://chrisjonestherapy.co.uk/thesecretsexualbasement/

Extract from the link above -

Imagine the scene…
Picture a home with a family living in it. There’s a couple of cars on the driveway; it’s nicely decorated and furnished. Activities are going on in the home just as they would be for any normal family…
Now imagine that one of the members of the family, let’s say the husband and father in this case, has built a secret basement underneath the home that only he knows about. He repeatedly goes into that basement to engage in sexual behaviours or relational infidelities whilst pretending that the basement doesn’t exist…
He covers up the entrance as he enters and leaves, hides any evidence of the basement, and tells his wife that she’s imagining things if she wonders where he keeps going…

Lots of material on Minwalla - I imagine your partner has a secret sexual basement.

Op ask him if this is the only person he has been screenshotting etc. Ask him
outright and watch him lie. If you tell him you found the picture he will say that’s the only other time.

So don’t bother telling him.

Ask him and watch him lie to you. Or he may tell the truth…

The link I sent you to Minwallas paper is good. The ten steps article.

Interesting that mumsnet has removed my post that raised safeguarding concerns.

I don’t see why raising this is an issue when this man is crossing acceptable boundaries.

By not providing space to consider possible future action based on a pattern of behaviour, girls and women are put at greater risk.

Yeah there's no way in hell I could get past this, these are the two you know about and thats bad enough. Bet there's a whole load more to discover