Partner ended our 11-year relationship suddenly and I feel lost

[Vicki85]

Not really sure what to write, or what I even want from posting.. probably just a hand hold 😔

Relationship of 11 years, all mostly happy, 2 miscarriages along the way and I always expected we would try again before I got too old (41 now - no other kids)
We had a lovely laid back, trusting relationship.
Intimacy had slipped a bit due to conflicting work patterns where we would sleep separate to avoid disturbing the other - plus he snores, badly.

1 week ago he announces he wants us to end. That he feels we are more like friends.
Apparently he had been thinking this through for a few weeks and didn’t think to open up to me until he had made this final decision in his own head.
no discussion, no attempts to rectify it - just done.
Im devastated, beyond broken.
I saw my life with him and now that’s gone.

Its his house, I have my 2 pets and no financial backup to move anywhere.

I just feel so lost and a failure at 41 I’m about to be single and any dream of children is now realistically over

I am really sorry to hear that, it must have come as a massive shock!
You've not failed at anything though and shouldn't be judging yourself so harshly, easier said than done though, i know.
It might be easier to look at the immediate practicalities of separating, new home etc. Before you look at the bigger picture of being single. Thats a worry for another day.

I hope someone will be along with some advice for you shortly, I just didnt want you sitting thinking youre alone with this.

Oh lovey. What a shock for you. No real advice, just offering a hand hold for now.

He's been thinking about this for more than a 'few weeks'. He's had time to get his head around whatever - or whoever - has put a spanner in the works for him. Brace yourself for it being another woman, maybe at work, maybe at the gym?

Whatever the cause, you are at the beginning of a journey you haven't chosen. You will be ok in the end, but it will hurt so much now. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and look after yourself: protein drinks/complain if you can't face food, a bit of toast, get in touch with friends and lean on them.

Thinking of you.

So sorry to hear this. Your life and dreams are not uber at 41. Though it might not feel
like it. Keeo posting if it helps

No other woman, we live busy lives and he just wouldn’t have the time, nor is he the type.

My last ex id have happily agreed with you though!

It will be a huge shock. Agree it’s likely he is distracted by someone else.
What has he said about the house situation? Do you think you have paid in to the house in the time you’ve lived there? Or do you have savings to get set up on your own?
If he is decent he will give you time and help to move on.
Im sorry, do you have other people you can rely on for help? Family and friends?

Sorry OP, that’s horrendous.

But just to mentally prepare you, there’s always time for another man/woman, especially if he’s been unhappy for a while. Have you asked why he didn’t tell you sooner so you could work on the problem together?

He could have met someone at work and gone for coffees/lunches/ early dinners. He could meet them before or after work when ‘going to the gym’ or visiting the shops/ a friend or relative.

It may not even be physical and just be emotional at this stage - an old gf/ someone he knew at school or a past job. Someone he met online and has been chatting to in the car or on the toilet. People make time.

It also may be a case that he’s fallen for someone but it isn’t even an established affair yet - some men end things assuming they will waltz into another relationship bc the other woman has been nice to them and they’ve mistaken it for sexual interest. It’s rare but it happens.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP

It doesn't necessarily have to be another woman he's met. People always leap to that conclusion because it's a nice neat explanation. People,.including men (!) do just end relationships because they are not happy. It happens everyday on Mumsnet! It's not helpful to jump to that conclusion, it's just creating drama for the sake of it.

The important thing right now is to focus on you and your needs.

So you've said he owns the house, have you got any savings so you can start looking for a rental? Will he give you some time to sort yourself out?

Have you got friends and family you can talk to and support you through this?

💐

Sorry, but I think it's very rare for an established long term relationship to abruptly end unless there is someone else waiting in the wings for whoever wants out, especially if it's the man who wants to finish the relationship.

100 per cent there is no one else.
Without being too outing, he works in construction, comes straight home and then goes to his home workshop to either repair equipment or work on his hobby vehicles..
There is no gym, no pub after work etc

I know I could pick up his phone and find absolutely nothing - he’s not wired like that.

He did this in 2018 to me.. we worked through (after I’d moved out, so apart 2 months) and have been literally happy ever since - but he did the same then, over, no working through it, no pre warning.
Its like a switch flicks and he’s a different person.

Thanks, I’m not naive- my ex 200% I’d have agreed there was at least 1 other woman waiting in the wings but him, no..
Hes always been anti cheating, was vocal when a close friend was cheating on his partner etc - it’s just not him..

This is what makes it harder, all he said is he feels we have grown apart and he cares for me deeply but not in a way he feels he should.. so I guess I have to go with that but after 11 years you would hope he might want to fight for it harder

I'm very sorry as it must be such a shock. What has he said re moving out?

You mention you work, do you have savings to enable a rental? I'm assuming you didn't pay towards the mortgage whilst living there.

Being practical now might help to focus your mind.

Sorry to be harsh but every single other thread like this, the OP is absolutely sure there’s no one else. They always return a few posts later with ‘oh. You were right.’

He’s said I don’t need to move out straight away as I have a lot to sort, pets etc
I have no savings, and I don’t want to really move to a grotty flat in town, nor is that easy with pets despite the new ‘pet’ ruling with rentals.
At this point I think I’m better off getting a caravan and staying in the countryside as it’s where I’m happiest.
I have horses so I could potentially live at the yard in the van for now until I can sort a better plan.

sorry to say i agree OW too. My ex was so vocal about others who cheated. Then it turned out he was a serial cheat for our whole relationship.

I'm usually in the 'other woman' camp. Not sure this time though, it sounds different and he's done it before.

Sad for you OP, so much to get your head round. x

Could you have counselling?

I’m so sorry OP. It’s awful when one person just decides it’s done with no opportunity to try and save a long standing relationship.

All you can do is get your practical head on and start making arrangements. He says now you don’t need to rush and that’s fine, but it’s likely to become an intolerable way to live very quickly. And it can do a number on your self esteem to still be there as it’s hard to get your head out of ‘what did I do wrong?’, even when you didn’t do anything.

You’re 41, you have a whole life still to live. Deep breath, and get on with starting that life. All the best 💐

I'm not sure it matters if it's an OW or not. If he's done it twice, then he sounds flaky and not committed. If it's not another woman he could be thinking he could get another woman. You don't want him thinking he could just tell you to pop back again if he hasn't hooked up with someone else, or doing it another time in another 8/9 years when you could have ditched him and been happily moved on.

I think the fact that he’s done this to you previously, speaks volumes.
I’m not sure I’d even entertain the thought of counselling or working through it because it’s obviously how he’s feeling deep down.
Im sorry you’re having to go through this.

So sorry OP but the fact he’s done it before speaks volumes. How can you ever trust him again? Do you think he was not as committed to the pregnancy as you were maybe he had realised that he doesn’t want to be a father? Miscarriages can have major impact on relationships. Get all your ducks in a row with money, savings etc. I’m guessing the horses take up a lot of your money so maybe something to consider there . Hoping things work out for you.

How horrible for you. Try not to fixate on a relationship and children being the only worthwhile future. You are still young and could have a fantastic, exciting future ahead. I know it doesn't feel like that atm but you can get through this.
I'm afraid l agree with others though and he probably has had his head turned. There are always opportunities regardless of how busy he might seem - a rep might have called in to his work and they got chatting. Sometimes it's the ones you least suspect that turn out to be the biggest liars. Happened to me and l still remember the utter shock even though it was years ago now.

Weather there's another woman or not is irrelevant right now. You need to focus on getting yourself a place to live. I think a caravan in the yard is a terrible idea. Assuming youre talking about his yard. You need to get properly away from him as you cant truly move on when your still living in each other's laps. If you can afford a caravan, you can afford to rent somewhere. Even a flat share.

Dont hang around hoping he'll change his mind like last time. Even if he does, will you ever be able to relax again? Or will you be holding your breath waiting for the next time he dumps you? If you do stay with him, start building up your savings and have a runaway fund. Stop being dependent on him to keep a roof over your head. You dont want to be going through this in your 50s or 60s.

I was going to type the same thing as this.
It's irrelevant if he has a new girlfriend.
OP is being made homeless.

Have you saved money while living in the man's house?
Edited- just saw your post where you said you have no money saved. It sounds like you can't afford horses.
Who owns the land you'd put a caravan on?

Just to say my friend left his ex partner of a decade and for him there was no one else (his main reason was lack of intimacy also). So it’s not always another woman.

At this point I think I’m better off getting a caravan and staying in the countryside as it’s where I’m happiest.
I have horses so I could potentially live at the yard in the van for now until I can sort a better plan

With no savings it might be the only thing possible.

Do you work? If so, can you save anything each month?