Partner ended our 11-year relationship suddenly and I feel lost

[Vicki85]

Not really sure what to write, or what I even want from posting.. probably just a hand hold 😔

Relationship of 11 years, all mostly happy, 2 miscarriages along the way and I always expected we would try again before I got too old (41 now - no other kids)
We had a lovely laid back, trusting relationship.
Intimacy had slipped a bit due to conflicting work patterns where we would sleep separate to avoid disturbing the other - plus he snores, badly.

1 week ago he announces he wants us to end. That he feels we are more like friends.
Apparently he had been thinking this through for a few weeks and didn’t think to open up to me until he had made this final decision in his own head.
no discussion, no attempts to rectify it - just done.
Im devastated, beyond broken.
I saw my life with him and now that’s gone.

Its his house, I have my 2 pets and no financial backup to move anywhere.

I just feel so lost and a failure at 41 I’m about to be single and any dream of children is now realistically over

"comes straight home and then goes to his home workshop to either repair equipment or work on his hobby vehicles.."

Sounds like he might be the type that is happier on his own. When a person just ends things without asking for fixes for any existing problems, they just don't care enough. Of course you'll be miserable about the situation for some time. Just concentrate on your plan for now, which sounds good. Also, keep a positive light in the background that there's always more than one way to become a mother.

Did he make it clear it was an issue and try to fix things? Usually it’s not just one sided imo.

I thought it would turn out he had form for doing this . I am so sorry @Vicki85
I think a caravan at the yard is an excellent idea. Wishing you the best of luck 🤞 🙏

I have money saved for vets bills, my haylage and bedding is all paid for and stacked ready for winter so don’t be so judgmental..

what I don’t have is an extra £1000 plus bills to rent a grotty flat in the area I live in - plus it’s dead money if I do so.
yard is nothing to do with my ex

I wasn't being judgemental, thanks.
I meant (obviously) horses are an incredibly expensive hobby, if you have no savings and no house, they're an obstacle.
Anyway, I'm out.

I do work yes, and currently mid interview for a job that would pay 8k more a year than I’m on now.

Fingers crossed that you get it, but if you don’t you can still manage this.

When you say ‘live at the yard in the van’, is that free? Do you have access to a toilet, shower and some way of cooking? Is ‘the yard’ where your horses are? If yes to all these things it might be a good idea and would help with your mental health which is something to always be aware of during a break up/loss of your home. Plus there will be other people around I guess? If you can manage, it sounds much better than renting a small flat/bedsit.

Edited - and this is the second time he’s done this to you, don’t give him the opportunity to do it a third time ❤️.

I'm sorry OP. That's a very long time to be with someone.

Unless he's quite impulsive by nature, I very much doubt he's been thinking about this for just a few weeks. Either it's longterm unhappiness he's not told you about (or you haven't listened to), or he's had his head turned.

How come you have no savings OP? Were you paying him 50% rent during your time together? Or if not, where has that money being going?

I totally get what you are all saying about not giving him the 3rd chance to hurt me and I get it. I agree even.

Just right now it’s raw, my finances are tied up elsewhere as this obviously wasn’t something I was expecting.

I can and will get through it, it’s just dealing with the significant upheaval to get there.
He has a history of cutting and running due to a pretty messed up childhood, but your right, I can’t keep mopping up the emotions of him when it hurts me more every time.

@Vicki85 So sorry you're going through this. But honestly, men can and do find time to meet someone else. Don't forget they can so easily do it online these days, it's no longer about going to the pub or even work colleagues. My DH of 26 years managed it, even though we worked together and were rarely apart. And he really, really wasn't the "type". Think real ale, cricket and growing cabbages! Another thought is that your partner simply didn't want the commitment of kids. Either way, you will get through this. Wishing you strength.

@Vicki85 this sounds incredibly tough and there doesn’t have to be another woman. I agree with the other posters though, that you don’t want to give him any opportunity to repeat this cycle for the third time.

Your finances being tied up though - you might have to look at untying them if you want to get out? A caravan sounds like a perfectly fine prospect in this weather but might be significantly less appealing in colder months. But it sounds as if you earn well so hopefully will be ok. I’d prioritise accommodation and getting out of his house so you’re not in limbo for longer than absolutely necessary.

It’s awful when you’re completely blindsided by a relationship ending and you didn’t see it coming. Happened to me earlier this year so I can understand some of what you’re going through.

Your nervous system quite literally responds as if you’re a drug addict in withdrawal. The loss of the dopamine you get from being in regular contact with another human being is really difficult to process. I honestly thought I’d die from the pain and my skin flared up in an autoimmune response to the stress.

There’s not much helpful advice other than the usual stuff about throwing yourself into other activities. Horses, friends, family. Keep busy. Get outside. Fill your time. Cry in the shower when you need to.

What helped me most was gradually moving from hurt and devastation through anger into acceptance. Realising that he wasn’t the love of my life because, if he had been, he’d have chosen to stay with me. That there was no point fighting it because he wasn’t even looking my direction any more. He’d long ago checked out emotionally. I eventually was able to see it as just a chapter that had ended. A Netflix series I’d completed. And the end of it made space for something new and exciting.

It takes time. And then one day, out of nowhere, you’ll accidentally scroll onto an old photo of him and realise it doesn’t hurt anymore. Be kind to yourself until you get there.

This is sound advice.

it is definitely a process. I guess you just have to accept that it hurts right now. But it won’t forever.

Freeze your eggs

So confused why posters on here spend so much time trying to convince women they have been cheated on. Wtf cares??

This is really sad but it isn't the end of the world. As others said: get legal advice to check if you have beneficial interest in the house. At 41, you don't have time to be losing money or starting from scratch in the housing market, if you actually did contribute to the house. It doesn't have to have been directly. So: solicitor.

Step 2 is to take time for yourself. Spa, glow up, friends/family. Figure out your support network but don't bore them by repeating yourself. Sorry, but they're human too. You want to build relationships with people so it needs to be interesting convo and a two-way street.

When you're ready and feeling confident: get back on the dating scene.

Who says we have to stay with one person forever anyway??

I'm so sorry. As others have said there are other options about having children if that is something you really want although there is still a chance you could meet someone and have them naturally. I'd just concentrate on getting through each day for now and worrying about that later.