Struggling with my mother's constant lying and its impact on me

[HettyMeg]

Sick of mother's petty lies.

My mum is always telling lies, usually about fairly small things but also just pretending things have been said that haven't, etc. I'm in my 30s and I've only realised in recent years how unpleasant she can be and how much she tells lies.

She is in her early 70s but I don't think this is age related. It's been going on for years.

When I was 14, my dad had an affair and their marriage broke up extremely messily and she made me pretend everything was OK to my friends and teachers for well over a year. I wasn't even allowed to talk to my other relatives about it within the family as she was ashamed/embarrassed. Which made me ashamed and embarrassed too even though it was nothing to do with me. I now have no contact at all with my dad, which I used to think was my own decision but when I reflect on it, she had told me that she couldn't have a relationship with me if I had any kind of relationship with him, and I was still young then (about 20-21) so I didn't know how to stand my ground. Not to dripfeed, he behaved appallingly as well at the time, lying to my mum and me, but it was 20+ years ago and at times I have wanted to speak with him in the years since even just on formal terms but if I got back in touch with him she would be furious.

The lying continues in smaller ways today. For example, she will tell me she has spoken to another family member to arrange to meet up, and then it becomes clear she hasn't - she's lied to me to make it seem as if she's making the effort with them. She exaggerates the truth, so if she has a mild cold she will pretend it's Covid or flu to get out of arrangements. I think ultimately it stems from social anxiety she has possibly, or she just can't be bothered. She tells people things about my job that aren't true to make it seem like I'm more successful than I am, etc.

She also told me a couple of years ago that she had dropped a day at work. Then last week she told me she was starting phased retirement and would be dropping that day.

I'm so sick of it and wondering what else she has lied about.

Hi

I think ultimately your Mum will do/say whatever she likes and you can't change her behaviour.

Was there anything else happening in her life when she said she was dropping a day at work? Someone I work with has an elderly parent and she has gone part-time but she can't tell her Mother as her Mother will then demand she spends that extra time with her.

Regarding your Dad, can you contact him and not tell your Mum initially? You will only ever have one Dad. If it doesn't work out, you have your answer without any comments from your Mum.

Though I don't think your situation is on the bad end of the scale (especially as she is positive about you to others rather than negative), this thread may be of interest to you:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5508136-march-2026-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

💐

Thanks, will have a look at that thread.

I've never felt as though she's abusive or narcissistic, and she's very loving when she wants to be but she is also quite unpredictable, moody and you don't know what you're getting on the other end of the phone - sometimes full of light, sometimes very cold and detached, with a clipped tone to everything that makes you wonder what you've done wrong.

There wasn't anything going on in her life other than recently becoming a grandmother, seems to me like she was making out that she was making changes to her life ie reducing hours, to make it seem like she was taking healthy steps.

I don't know if I'm actually brave enough to contact him. I haven't seen him or spoken to him for at least 14 years and he lives abroad.