MARCH 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
6

Thanks for the new thread. At the end of the last thread I mentioned demands from my GB2 for help with childcare etc. He's been doing this for well over a year now and for most of that my response has been the same- to simply ignore the ramblings and a straight 'no' if he asks me directly (which he seldom does, he prefers to rant about what a bitch I am for not offering). What baffles me is that he continues even now that I refuse to communicate with him directly (for other reasons). I think he genuinely believes that it is his right to have someone behind him doing anything he doesn't want to do or can't be bothered to organise/pay for and my duty to take over the role now our parents can't. There is absolutely no danger of me relenting and doing anything for him but I cannot imagine being so entitled, or thinking for a second that I could expect help from someone I am so unpleasant to. It's like watching a toddler throwing themselves around and shouting 'I want sweets' and believing they will get what they want.

Just checking in.

Marking my spot. Thanks Meerkat.

Formalwellies

GB2 is a narcissist throwing his toys out of the pram. His emotional development ceased at around six years of age. He can do nothing but rant so leave him to his rantings.

Thanks for the new thread

@formalwelliesI think what’s become crystal clear to me recently is that our GB is raising a mate rather than an independent person who can thrive and be successful in the world. He takes him out of school to do things together when the kid is already struggling. He wants a buddy to spend time with rather than teaching the practical skills this kid needs to go out in the world. And probably that’s just a continuance of unhealthy relationships. Throughout the relationship breakdown, my brother was tittle tattling to my mother about every minute detail about his ex and she was revelling in it. At least we can see it and not carry it on.

Honestly, I’d tell GB to get stuffed if he did have the gall to ask, and I’d tell your mother it isn’t up for debate.

@Ladybyrd That sounds really sad for your nephew, and a form of neglect. What does his mother think about this? I can't see the school being too impressed.
I have repeatedly told GB that I absolutely will not act as his childcare. I think part of the problem is that our parents would also tell him 'no' sometimes but always backed down if he made them think it would cause him problems so I think he's expecting me to do the same. For example- when his child was born our parents were mid-70s with chronic health problems. He asked them to be his childcare but they said no, they were not fit enough. He pulled out all the emotional blackmail tricks, then the threats- his child would be emotionally scarred by a nursery, did they want to put a newborn in an institution?, why didn't they care about his child, how could he afford to live if he had to pay for nursery, did they want his child to have no home? since they didn't care, they would not see his child etc and of course the big one- hinting that the stress of it all would send him back to drugs. So mum and dad agreed to 2 days a week, which then became 4 days plus GB taking the baby to them on his day off so he could watch TV whilst they did the running around. Since that had to stop when Dad became seriously unwell he has been trying the same on me. He and mum must KNOW that I won't change my mind (I never have done since I started to challenge them decades ago). The campaign to try to guilt me in to holiday childcare has happened in the run up to every school holiday in over a year. It's almost darkly comical to try to guess what batshit argument he will try next.
I can let mum off slightly now, because I think a symptom of her dementia (that GB claims she doesn't have) is that she has become very childlike and selfish. But to be honest I think she's always been rather like that so perhaps the dementia is just making her cover it up less.

@formalwelliesMore like his pocket would be scarred by paying for nursery. He needs to put his big boy pants on and suck it up, like we all do!

Dark comedy is all that’s keeping me sane these days.

I don’t think the school know. I expect there will have been attendance letters home. When they suggested he needed to repeat a year my brother was up in arms, blaming the influx of Ukrainian refugees. Ok 👍 😆 😭

My nephew is so fucking rude to me. My objective mind feels sorry for him, but my kids are my priority. Not my circus, not my monkey.

When they were together, GB and SIL exploited my parents for childcare while they went out to work. Gave my mother nothing for a weekly arrangement. They were very obviously weren’t up to it (lived on a main road and left all the doors wide open - if the kids wandered out it was their fault). I’d take the nursery any day thanks.

Hi all. Long time lurker. Long time abused by my parents, which has taken a long time to process. My mother died over 10 years ago and I am now 5 years NC with my father.

I would like to be able to draw support from this thread (and try to give it!) but I have no idea where to start.

You can just talk if you want to. Nobody is going to accuse you of dropping breadcrumbs.

Thankyou. I appreciate that.
the thing I’m struggling with the most at the moment is that he keeps sending “gifts” to the house for my children. He’s not been a part of their life for over 5 years! They get shitter and shitter in nature and sometimes accompanied by a passive aggressive or downright sinister message or with no message at all. I know why he does it. It’s control and so he can say he “tried”, although I’m not sure how trying equates to sending a protractor and compass set to a 15 year old as a birthday present.

It’s distressing, jealous of those around me with wonderful present parents and it’s miserable constantly missing a layer to life that I don’t have. It’s not true what they say, you do miss what you’ve never had.

Get these unwanted items in the guise of gifts out of your home and take them to a charity shop if you do not already do this . Do not acknowledge any such items and maintain radio silence. Your brother is trying to draw you back into his dysfunctional word by a process called hoovering.

Sorry that should read father not brother.

Yeah the items never reach the children and I never acknowledge them. I do now have to vet all packages coming to the house addressed to the kids. Which is sad and I totally resent.

@TheDMDC welcome to this place of sanctuary. Take your time over the story you want to tell, there is no rush as these things are really complicated, but you are here in a supportive place where people listen and care.

Just posting to vent a little as GB2's attempts at control continue.

For reasons that I've posted about on here before, mum is currently staying with GB2 and I have said I want no direct communication with him or to be in the house alone with him, or just with mum and him (following aggression and threats). GB2 apparently wants to be at a dementia assessment she has in her home. He usually keeps away from her many medical appointments so I am sure this is partly to show me that he can force me to see him and partly so that he can challenge anything I say (he refuses to accept that mum has this problem). He now claims that he can't possibly know until the time of the appointment whether he can be there, so I will need to go to his place to get mum ready to go out (not an easy task, and not one he does- she only goes out if I or GB2s partner take her) and take her for the assessment. He may or may not join us. This happened after I cheerfully agreed he should be there and he could take mum over and I'd meet them there. I think he was expecting me to make a fuss and say he couldn't go. Based on past experience, I suspect he will turn up but probably half way through the process and will try to make it all about him.

Eeeek. I’ll have to retype.

@formalwellies

”That’s nice dear.”

Ignore and press ahead.

The lack of reaction will wind him up something chronic.

The utter bullshit of my family. Brother posts a series of videos of his new extension in the stealth boast family WhatsApp group last night. Lots of cooing from my family - from all of the fuckers. I post some photos of an awards ceremony in which my client won in a highly competitive category. Fuck all reaction. Not even a like.

So tempted to leave the group, but, unfortunately, it’s the group where we do arrangements for my 80 year old mum. Not that anyone else does the arrangements for my mum…Fucking sick of it.

Roll on counselling starting on Monday for the fourth time in my 50 years.

What is good is the appreciation from clients about my kindness and hard work. What’s great with work is that I’m no longer a people pleaser, self-sabotage or a perfectionist.

Solidarity to everyone here. Place is a lifeline.

Yes, that's been exactly my response. He's blocked on my phone etc so he can no longer send me his ranty messages or call to shout at me, but when I do have to encounter him I offer no reaction.

@SiouxieSueI have and still am finding it very difficult to invest all the fucks I could give in people who give a fuck back, but little by little it’s making my life more peaceful.

Just checking in. Its been a while. Still very minimal communication from my mother. No asking after her grandkids but I've been sent lots of photos of her friend's new puppy. Perhaps if my children were hairy and had tails, she might be interested 🤔

Deleted my original name Monkey From Manchester. No idea how I did that. Anyway, reporting for duty.

Hi folks, if anyone’s been following my story - and many of you have and supported me hugely - I’m back with an update on Mr Monkey’s vile brother.

MM’s vile mother, The Hag - the root of all evil in his family - died in February 2024 after being an abusive mother for all his life.

His Toxic Brother - aka the Golden Boy - abandoned his family, his mother and the rest of us; me and MM were totally fine with no contact with a man who abused his wife, abandoned his kids and - even though I couldn’t stand the witch - pretended his mother was dead e.g., TOLD people, when the witch was still alive.

MM’s brother, the eldest - MM iS the youngest - became The Hag’s de facto husband, shopping, doing her bills, being her emotional punchbag. Sadly, Slave Son died in January.

SS left Mr Monkey his entire estate and MM, as the Executor, has sorted EVERYTHING out. it’s been exhausting and hugely triggering.

We’re reaching the final stages - the house gets cleared on Wednesday, we’re organising the house deep clean (it’s grim) the application for probate has been approved etc etc.

Now, GB used to have a flash life. Porsche on the drive, every time he got caught having an affair, it was a Gucci handbag for my sister in law - his ex-wife - money was everything for him.

He’s been blackballed from his niche industry for embezzling his former business partner and is now on his uppers. Wife number 2 works in the care sector - he did not allow Wife 1 to work as he financially abused her AND she was a trophy wife - I believe Wife 2 supports her daughter and the twat.

GB became interested in Slave Son’s estate one week after his death with four enquiries about this in one 30 minute chat. He then hassled the solicitor for the will - obviously, staggered that £ is going to Mr Monkey only. MM gave permission for the will to be released to GB, just to shut the twat up. Obviously, MM was under no legal obligation, but again he felt bullied.

GB didn’t come to Slave Son’s funeral from Scotland as ‘he was having a hernia operation’

It went quiet.

Probate has been approved and this info is now in the public domain. As of last week.

Suddenly, out of the blue on Saturday - I can’t think 🤔 why - the bastard got in touch.

Apparently, he’s having hernia operation number three. What in three months? Suddenly, GB is interested in MM’s health so there was a lot of “hope you’re doing ok, mate.”

MM, rather than ignoring the message, replied as he would as he’s been groomed - sorry, bullied - to be compliant. GB gave a reply and then after a chat with me MM didn’t respond.

Cue today where GB is completely dumbfounded by the lack of coming to heel, GB texted to say his boiler is broken (🙄) and his fourth hernia operation will now take place in Edinburgh.

I’m pretty sure there’s a major teaching and research hospital in Aberdeen. 🙄

Obviously, these are his gambits for ££££. I have never met anyone so self-serving and disgusting.

Like me, MM thinks this is all bullshit.

GB needs to be blocked. I need to urge MM to do this. Our house is polluted by this odious individual.

All dealings need to be done via our solicitor.

I know that GB is skint and can’t afford a lawyer and doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on to challenge the will, so it’s down to manipulation.

Just having a rant really. Utterly, sick of the toxic dysfunction in Mr Monkey’s family, which is a legacy of his toxic mother. Heartbreaking to hear him say that he has no happy memories of his childhood.

@ManchesterMonkey - greetings!

Sad to hear about SS. He had a rough deal of it. And absolutely no surprise that wanker GB is sniffing around and trying to weasel his way back in search of cash.

Getting shot of people like that is like trying to scrape shit off your shoes.

One small problem with telling GB to go via your solicitors is that he could well run up a bill for you and MM by writing ridiculous letters to your lawyer. We all know from experience that the only way to deal with GB is to block him on everything. Or you could give him a call yourself and tell him in no uncertain terms to FO and never contact you again.