Looks like I have been dumped by a friend

[DidntGetTheManual]

Does anyone else feel like they just don’t seem to be very good at friendship? I’m in my 40s and I do have friends but have also
lost some along the way. As a kid, I was bullied at school, had volatile and emotionally closed off parents and had terrible self esteem. I’ve never been friendless but have found myself, when younger, in friendships that were not very healthy with people I didn’t actually like that much on reflection. I’ve moved around a lot and some friendships have just drifted. I did cut off two friendships the year I turned 40 …. one woman said she would be unlikely to stay in touch once I moved away and the other was resentful and angry with me as she felt I hadnt done a good enough job as her Maid of Honour (I tried my best but was finishing a nursing degree, divorcing and loved 6 hours away from her). With the latter, I felt really ashamed and tried to patch things up but she seemed so resentful.

Anyway, I think I have been cut off by a friend now. I have only lived in this area for a few years but she quickly became a close friend. We are both single and have shared the trials on dating and single-parenting together. Overall, I feel I’ve been a good friend to her and showed support many times. Earlier this year, she got dumped by someone after a brief relationship and took it hard. I feel I was empathetic and supportive. Shortly afterwards, I experienced my first proper broken heart after I was broken up with (it was only a 6 month relationship but the way the break up was handled was quite brutal). She was a shoulder to cry on for me in the weeks that followed. I did become very depressed and would ruminate a lot. Shortly afterwards, my mum got diagnosed with a terminal illness and that obviously knocked me even lower.

My friend is a kind person but did do a few things that felt insensitive during this period such as:
. inviting me to Parkrun days after my break up when I had barely slept or eaten… but then announcing that if I couldn’t keep up with her, she would run on and see me at the end. Then, after the run, she started expressing her despair and saying that she would never meet anyone and die alone. This just made me feel so much worse.
. 3 weeks after my break up, suggesting a day out together and offering to drive. But the evening before, she announced she had arranged a quick date en route to our destination so I would be expected to wonder about a tiny village alone whilst she went on this first date. I was so broken and depressed at that point that I just accepted it. I asked if an hour would be enough but she wanted 90 minutes so I sat alone in a cafe.
. During this period, I had some bad financial news and told her I was stressed about my retirement. She laughed and said “Well I’ll have a really good pension so I’ll take you out to lunch occasionally.”
. Shortly after mum’s diagnosis, we went for a walk and she was feeling very down after a string of bad dates. As soon as we started walking, she took her phone out (this has been a bugbear of mine… she is a chronic “phubber”) and then proceeded to repeat the despair talk (I’ll never meet anyone etc etc). I have never been unwilling to hear about her bad dates, missing her ex etc. But the despairing talk… I just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth for it as it felt like tying bricks to somone already struggling to keep their head above water. She didn’t know that I was low enough that I had called the Samaritans twice that week. Despite this, I was kind but firm in saying that this sort of talk wasn’t good for either of us. It seems she experienced this as invalidating but didn’t say so at the time. Instead, on two separate occasions, she said she felt she had no friends in this area and wanted to move back to her home town! I now know this was a dig at me but at the time, feeling so low, I just felt dismissed and belittled really. this created a feedback loop as I became cooler and she was then more hurt.

We still managed a holiday together with our children and I thought things were ok. I’ve spent time since with some newer friends but have still seen her almost weekly. Things came to head last week when she seemed to have an outburst of emotion in a public place. She was saying that she had no one to do things with day to day (she has other friends here and goes on holiday with friends multiple times a year) and I said that I was always happy to meet up when free. I then got a tirade of which the gist was “No, you never want to do things anymore, you’re always cancelling, after all the support I’ve give you re your ex.. you’ve not been there for me.” This rant continued even when a stranger came and sat next to us. I told her this was t the time to discuss this, left and then sent a kind message saying I was sorry she was carrying all this but glad she had raised it so we could discuss. I suggest talking the next day. I got a terse reply saying “Can’t talk tomorrow, maybe at the weekend.” That was 8 days ago and nothing. I have not chased.

I’m really sad. I’ve lost a boyfriend I was hopeful for a future with, my closest friend and soon, my mum. I feel like there is something wrong with me, that I don’t know how to do relationships, that I can’t trust people now. Maybe I’ve been a shit friend but I didn’t mean to be,I was just in such a bad place.

Sorry for the long post. Any words of wisdom appreciated.

The reason I feel I’m the problem is that she has friends from primary, high school and uni where as I don’t have friendships going back that far. So I feel like she knows how to “do” friendship and I don’t! As I said, I was bullied at primary so went to a different high school than everyone else. I had one close friend through out high school and into our 30s but I actually realised I didn’t really like her that much over the years so let that friendship go. I finished uni with one very close friendship that just fizzled over the years. I do have a few friendships of more than 10 years but we live very far apart and don’t stay in touch regularly.

She doesn’t sound like a friend, ditching you at the parking and bragging about having more money.
do you have other friends? I wouldn’t rely on this woman.
find things that interest you and get out and do them.

I’m so sorry you are having to handle so many emotions at once.
There is nothing wrong with you, especially at this challenging time.
In your shoes … frankly, I’d drop the rope with this woman for a bit. She doesn’t seem to have a clue about what you’re going through and is adding to your worries.

Maybe you’ve been too invested in your friendships? It’s easily done.
Meanwhile, take care of yourself and your family. Protect your peace at all costs.

For balance, here is where I’ve dropped the ball with her friendship:
. a few weeks after my breakup, she had a scan as she was worried about a breast lump. I knew about the scan and I had enquired about it and shown concern in the run up. The day of the scan, I was on a 12 hour shift and just very low and panicky due to the break up. I forgot to message her. I felt awful when I realised and messaged either that evening or the next day (can’t recall which.) I apologised profusely but she was clearly hurt.

. when we went on holiday and there was the aforementioned tension between us, she arrive d at the airport first and went on through security. It was 6 am, I’d driven for 2 hours, my daughter was unwell and I had a headache. We got into the packed departure lounger, saw 3 empty seats in a quiet corner and just flopped. I didn’t message her to say we were through security. We weren’t sitting together on the short flight and would be together all week. I just wanted to sit in peace and not engage with her for a bit after everything. I regret that now as she saw it as a slight. Her messages in the run up to the holiday had been very terse and I just couldn’t deal with it all at the time .

Do these acts make me a bad friend?

It's quite likely she could make a similar list about you, these are minor things, usually well intentioned and friends let minor things go. The parkrun thing was trying to cheer you up, get you out and it's normal to meet at the end of someone is slower, some of other things are attempts to connect or empathise, not one-up.

It sounds a bit like she's bringing more to the friendship, so there's more chance of getting things wrong, try and make a list of the proactive things you do for her, suggestions you make, times you go out of your way, how much joy you bring.

You need to look at the motives, not the execution. I can't see anything as uncaring on your list as walking away from someone when they are upset, in case someone else saw, then just texting later, no wonder she's ignoring you.

I think it probably is you, that you have a list of ways people "should" behave and will always be disappointed when they can't meet it. Instead take people as they are and you might find you relax enough to be yourself a bit more too.

Lots of the things you mention are pretty minor, like the parkrun thing- It makes me wonder if you're perhaps a bit sensitive and tend to feel snubbed and take offence easily? She was unkind about the pension thing.
I think you sound a tiny bit dismissive of her feelings too, as if your despair is a bit more worthy than hers- all that stuff about not having the emotional bandwidth to deal with her unhappiness. But more than anything, it sounds like you're just not suited as friends- maybe a bit too similar? I don't think you should feel bad at all- People can't be perfect all the time- but move on. And take care OP! Friend dramas are so draining and awful.

I think the original reasons why you became friends have caused difficulties. If you are both going through broken romances then it’s tough - you are both looking to prop each other up.
Neither of you are bad people or bad friends.
Asking you out for the day whilst your friend included a date was awful though. It’s a bit desperate of her as well.
I am so sorry to hear about your mum.
I would leave it a while and perhaps send a message? As it’s clear this friend means a lot to you - hi Jen, I am sorry we seem to keep missing each other at the moment. I know there are times when I haven’t been there and I hear you. Let me know if you a fancy a coffee at some point, as I am thinking of you.
Something like that? Of course, she should do the same but sometimes it clears the air.
You sound like a fantastic friend.

Of course Parkrun is minor and I said nothjng at the time. At any other time, I would not have cared at all if she ran on…. It was that it was days after the break up.

TBH it sounds to be "six of one, half a dozen of the other".

Both of you appear to feel there's been times of lack of support. And where's the fun ? Or is just a support friendship?

Step away. You both sound frustrated with the friendship.

I think you are talking about lack of relationships rather than friendships. You seem to be able to make friends ok.

What really helps is a sense of community. Having people you can chat with in the shops, people giving you a wave and asking about your kids etc. The more circles you move in the better. Join everything, book clubs, volunteer theatre groups, WI, sports club.

I want leaving to be uncaring. We sat in the sauna at the gym and another woman came and sat with us! It was just not appropriate to carry on. My friend was in full rant flow. I sent a really caring message afterwards.

As for what I do for her…. I suggest a book fun days out, I message regularly, I have listened to her problems, showed up with practical support when her house move fell through etc.

Ive had clinical depression in the last few months so not been much fun

I could deal with her unhappiness but I just wanted the despairing talk to stop… I wasn’t the friend to be expressing that to at the at time.

This all sounds very transactional
She did this or that, I did this , not that

Do you actually care about her?

It doesnt come across at all and its just a list of woe is me excuses which gets very tedious tbh

It doesn't sound like you're good for one another. I think you need to take a break and concentrate on yourself, your children and your mum.

I’m sorry you’re going through some tough emotional situations. I imagine it’s all become a bit overwhelming.
Having said that, it would be interesting to hear your friend’s side of things because I think she could probably produce a list of times when she hasn’t felt supported enough from you either.
Long shift or not, you could have put a reminder in your phone for that morning to wish her luck. I’d be bloody hurt that you didn’t do that.
Going on a date and making you wait was shitty of her but I’d hazard a guess that it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other here.

Of course I care about her or I would not be posting. I’ve set the list out for clarity and balance .

You do sound like hard work and a bit overly sensitive, but she also doesn’t sound like someone who was hugely invested in the friendship. I know I wouldn’t dump a friend in a cafe so I could go on a date. I’d schedule the date for a day I didn’t already have plans. I think it’s fine to just let this one go.

The pair of you sound exhausting!

It sounds like you apologise too much and take too much responsibility. Take a step back and think for a moment before you decide you are responsible for something or need to apologise. Try to look more logically at the evidence for and against your immediate conclusion. People treat you the way you treat yourself and if someone keeps apologising to them they assume you must have done something wrong.

she clearly does have a list of things I’ve done wrong and I’d like to discuss it but I’ve been given the silent treatment for 8 days! I assume from that that she is done with friendship which hurts very much.

You both sound way too intense when it comes to the friendship and almost like you are both using this friendship as a substitute for a relationship which it seems you both desperately want. Do you ever just have fun together, talk about light hearted stuff? 8 days is nothing really, I’d just leave it be and see if she reaches out and maybe take a step back from each other going forward until you’re both in a better place if it’s becoming too draining for you.

I’d drop that rope very fast! Don’t message her, I’m sorry it hurts but you don’t want to be friends with that.

I think you’re right. We did used to have more fun but I have struggled with the fact that her main topic of conversation is always dating and it dominates her life. We don’t seem to have that much more in common. Even if I suggest doing fun activities she will comment on the likelihood of meeting a man there. At the same time. I’ve been no fun the last few months but have genuinely had a horrendous bout of depression (needed ADs, counselling etc).

It sounds to me like the problem here isn’t friendship, but depression.

You’ve said in several ways that it affects your perception of things she says and does. You’re also not communicating your state of mind to her, and she’s not a mind reader. One day you’re bonding over shared despair, the next she’s insensitive to your private mood?

Are you getting any help and support with the depression?

I’m sorry to her about your mum, OP.

It’s hard to maintain friendships when you’re depressed. You gravitate towards other lonely people with low mood or tricky interpersonal styles, and you end up fighting like rats in a bag for support and validation that neither party is able to offer, and the best possible outcome is to be the one who pulls the other down, rather than being sucked under yourself.

Work on yourself first and foremost. Look for lightness in your interactions, not caregiving.
Don’t hang about in a friendship you don’t enjoy, passively hoping the other person will change. People don’t generally change. If you don’t enjoy someone’s company, don’t spend time with them. It can be that simple.

Don’t go around telling yourself and others that you are crap at friendship. Nobody is excited to befriend someone who presents themselves as a socially inept charity case with a history of feeling let down and abandoned, and clinging to people they don’t like.

Try to notice when you are being passive, and think of how you could be active instead. Make choices about what you want to do, rather than hanging on and being led by others. Don’t expect to be able to tell people what they can or can’t talk about, with what intensity, to spare your mental health - just redirect the conversation, or stop spending time with them, if it’s draining.