Does anyone else feel like they just don’t seem to be very good at friendship? I’m in my 40s and I do have friends but have also
lost some along the way. As a kid, I was bullied at school, had volatile and emotionally closed off parents and had terrible self esteem. I’ve never been friendless but have found myself, when younger, in friendships that were not very healthy with people I didn’t actually like that much on reflection. I’ve moved around a lot and some friendships have just drifted. I did cut off two friendships the year I turned 40 …. one woman said she would be unlikely to stay in touch once I moved away and the other was resentful and angry with me as she felt I hadnt done a good enough job as her Maid of Honour (I tried my best but was finishing a nursing degree, divorcing and loved 6 hours away from her). With the latter, I felt really ashamed and tried to patch things up but she seemed so resentful.
Anyway, I think I have been cut off by a friend now. I have only lived in this area for a few years but she quickly became a close friend. We are both single and have shared the trials on dating and single-parenting together. Overall, I feel I’ve been a good friend to her and showed support many times. Earlier this year, she got dumped by someone after a brief relationship and took it hard. I feel I was empathetic and supportive. Shortly afterwards, I experienced my first proper broken heart after I was broken up with (it was only a 6 month relationship but the way the break up was handled was quite brutal). She was a shoulder to cry on for me in the weeks that followed. I did become very depressed and would ruminate a lot. Shortly afterwards, my mum got diagnosed with a terminal illness and that obviously knocked me even lower.
My friend is a kind person but did do a few things that felt insensitive during this period such as:
. inviting me to Parkrun days after my break up when I had barely slept or eaten… but then announcing that if I couldn’t keep up with her, she would run on and see me at the end. Then, after the run, she started expressing her despair and saying that she would never meet anyone and die alone. This just made me feel so much worse.
. 3 weeks after my break up, suggesting a day out together and offering to drive. But the evening before, she announced she had arranged a quick date en route to our destination so I would be expected to wonder about a tiny village alone whilst she went on this first date. I was so broken and depressed at that point that I just accepted it. I asked if an hour would be enough but she wanted 90 minutes so I sat alone in a cafe.
. During this period, I had some bad financial news and told her I was stressed about my retirement. She laughed and said “Well I’ll have a really good pension so I’ll take you out to lunch occasionally.”
. Shortly after mum’s diagnosis, we went for a walk and she was feeling very down after a string of bad dates. As soon as we started walking, she took her phone out (this has been a bugbear of mine… she is a chronic “phubber”) and then proceeded to repeat the despair talk (I’ll never meet anyone etc etc). I have never been unwilling to hear about her bad dates, missing her ex etc. But the despairing talk… I just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth for it as it felt like tying bricks to somone already struggling to keep their head above water. She didn’t know that I was low enough that I had called the Samaritans twice that week. Despite this, I was kind but firm in saying that this sort of talk wasn’t good for either of us. It seems she experienced this as invalidating but didn’t say so at the time. Instead, on two separate occasions, she said she felt she had no friends in this area and wanted to move back to her home town! I now know this was a dig at me but at the time, feeling so low, I just felt dismissed and belittled really. this created a feedback loop as I became cooler and she was then more hurt.
We still managed a holiday together with our children and I thought things were ok. I’ve spent time since with some newer friends but have still seen her almost weekly. Things came to head last week when she seemed to have an outburst of emotion in a public place. She was saying that she had no one to do things with day to day (she has other friends here and goes on holiday with friends multiple times a year) and I said that I was always happy to meet up when free. I then got a tirade of which the gist was “No, you never want to do things anymore, you’re always cancelling, after all the support I’ve give you re your ex.. you’ve not been there for me.” This rant continued even when a stranger came and sat next to us. I told her this was t the time to discuss this, left and then sent a kind message saying I was sorry she was carrying all this but glad she had raised it so we could discuss. I suggest talking the next day. I got a terse reply saying “Can’t talk tomorrow, maybe at the weekend.” That was 8 days ago and nothing. I have not chased.
I’m really sad. I’ve lost a boyfriend I was hopeful for a future with, my closest friend and soon, my mum. I feel like there is something wrong with me, that I don’t know how to do relationships, that I can’t trust people now. Maybe I’ve been a shit friend but I didn’t mean to be,I was just in such a bad place.
Sorry for the long post. Any words of wisdom appreciated.