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Original poster

Another quietly quitting marriage

34 replies

Mollymaid64 · 13/08/2026 04:41

This is inspired by the other quietly quitting marriage thread. We're both 60 and have been together over 40 years. Both still in good health. We've had a lovely, normal family life. Both still in good health.
The only drawback is I don't care if we never have sex again. My dh does care. We are great housemates and friends, but not lovers. I'm happy to relieve him but this is not enough for him. He still wants a full sex life with me. He's a fantastic husband, father, grandad and hasn't lost his looks.
We tried the other day, but I just felt awkward. It was a disaster so it will have affected his confidence. He'd had too much to drink. Tried it one way and he got cramp. Tried it another way and I got a pain in my hip I'd never had before and haven't had since.
He doesn't want to split up or have an affair with anyone else. It's not fair on him to live like this thoigh. I have been privately considering splitting up with him for his sake, but is it worth it at our age?
Our dc and dgc would be devastated too.
I find it so overwhelming to dismantle over 40 years of life. As we get older and start getting ill there is no one else we'd both like looking after each other either.
If only I felt more than house mates life would be perfect.
I've never been on hrt or anything else. I don't think it would help.
I did meet someone about six months ago who set my heart fluttering and the feeling was mutual. We never acted upon it, we've lost touch and now those feelings have gone too, thankfully; so I know I'm not completely dead sexually. I know I could still want sex with someone, just not my poor dh. Should I set this lovely man free for his own sake? He & our family would be so devastated if this happened 😪

OP posts:
Madamefroufrou · 13/08/2026 05:36

If your DH IS ONLY 60, fit in good health and hasn’t lost his looks, despite his cramp and assurnces, you may well find this situation will resolve itself without you resorting
to melodramatically dismantling a well functioning marriage and broader family life.

You are mulling over marriage ending decisions believing yourself to be in control, when in actuality, pulling the rug from under you can happen at any time.

Yello24 · 13/08/2026 06:26

What does he say about it? Maybe you can be like one of those French couples where you just turn a blind eye for the sake of the family and your security and you can also have something on the side. Often blows up though!
I know quite a few people who just amicably go separate ways at this age. Once the children are grown and gone and it’s the last chance to do what you want. Sounds like you’d not enjoy that though.
I am single at 60. He had affairs and we eventually just quietly separated. Didn’t work out for him with his girlfriend and he’d like me back now but I am very happy on my own.
All in all sounds like trying to rekindle your existing relationship would be better for you both.

DrumsPleaseFab · 13/08/2026 06:54

What do you mean by quiet quitting though

divorce? that is not quiet and is that really what you want?

Are you saying that sex is more important that marriage and 40 yrs together?

what do you really want? You want to stay together and continue married life without any more sex? Would “setting him free “ not give you the opposite of that?

i think you are possibly confused about what you really want

thought experiment: imagine you are both split up, you live somewhere else, he stays in the house with a younger girlfriend who adores him and he her. They travel together and have family time together, he shares his money and life with her, whilst you live in your new place in your own. Maybe you are dating or have a new boyfriend too… At big days like weddings or graduations he is there with his new partner. Does this appeal to you?

OrdinaryGirl · 13/08/2026 07:05

It sounds like your life together has just got kind of boring for both of you!
Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity talks about this situation and how closeness is absolutely inimical to sexual desire. My feeling is it would be worth exploring this angle because there are ways to rekindle the relationship if you genuinely did love and desire your DH in the first place.

Unless you’ve already made your decision, deep-down, it seems mad to torpedo everything you have unless you’ve properly tackled this very pertinent factor.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

IzzyGone · 13/08/2026 07:16

How is quietly quitting going to happen if you split up?

how is his confidence knocked? Could he not perform, what didn’t or did happen? Drinking usually stops sex happening so couldn’t he try without drinking?

moderate · 13/08/2026 11:37

Mollymaid64 · 13/08/2026 04:41

This is inspired by the other quietly quitting marriage thread. We're both 60 and have been together over 40 years. Both still in good health. We've had a lovely, normal family life. Both still in good health.
The only drawback is I don't care if we never have sex again. My dh does care. We are great housemates and friends, but not lovers. I'm happy to relieve him but this is not enough for him. He still wants a full sex life with me. He's a fantastic husband, father, grandad and hasn't lost his looks.
We tried the other day, but I just felt awkward. It was a disaster so it will have affected his confidence. He'd had too much to drink. Tried it one way and he got cramp. Tried it another way and I got a pain in my hip I'd never had before and haven't had since.
He doesn't want to split up or have an affair with anyone else. It's not fair on him to live like this thoigh. I have been privately considering splitting up with him for his sake, but is it worth it at our age?
Our dc and dgc would be devastated too.
I find it so overwhelming to dismantle over 40 years of life. As we get older and start getting ill there is no one else we'd both like looking after each other either.
If only I felt more than house mates life would be perfect.
I've never been on hrt or anything else. I don't think it would help.
I did meet someone about six months ago who set my heart fluttering and the feeling was mutual. We never acted upon it, we've lost touch and now those feelings have gone too, thankfully; so I know I'm not completely dead sexually. I know I could still want sex with someone, just not my poor dh. Should I set this lovely man free for his own sake? He & our family would be so devastated if this happened 😪

I know I could still want sex with someone, just not my poor dh. Should I set this lovely man free for his own sake? He & our family would be so devastated if this happened 😪

Are you really asking on his behalf, or on your own?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 13/08/2026 11:41

Honestly, me going on testosterone fixed this for us. I had almost forgotten about sex, he is still up for it. Same sort of age as you. It was astonishing. And absolutely lovely!

You do have to be on the full HRT package for it to work, and it doesn’t work for everyone, but it might be worth a try.

MarthaLovesLaughing · 13/08/2026 11:45

So.......you're asking "shall I set my husband free so that he can find someone to have sex with even though our family would be devastated"

When what you REALLY mean is "I'd like to set MYSELF free so that I can find someone else to have sex with and who can set my heart fluttering"

What a fucking bs thread.

Original poster
Mollymaid64 · 13/08/2026 22:04

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 13/08/2026 11:41

Honestly, me going on testosterone fixed this for us. I had almost forgotten about sex, he is still up for it. Same sort of age as you. It was astonishing. And absolutely lovely!

You do have to be on the full HRT package for it to work, and it doesn’t work for everyone, but it might be worth a try.

I have thought a about testosterone. Then I read that it can cause extra facial hair and can take ages to get back to normal.
We've had a good chat and neither of us wants to split up, regardless of our age.
I've got to the stage of I really love dh but just can't be assed with the physical side anymore, but it's not fair on him. Will have to keep trying 🤞

OP posts:
onyxtulip · 13/08/2026 22:38

40 years and this is what it comes down to. Bit depressing that!

Original poster
Mollymaid64 · 14/08/2026 12:20

onyxtulip · 13/08/2026 22:38

40 years and this is what it comes down to. Bit depressing that!

Quite. How do you think we feel? It has been depressing us. Which is why we need to try and fix our marriage, everything else in our marriage and life itself is good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollymaid64 · 14/08/2026 12:26

moderate · 13/08/2026 11:37

I know I could still want sex with someone, just not my poor dh. Should I set this lovely man free for his own sake? He & our family would be so devastated if this happened 😪

Are you really asking on his behalf, or on your own?

Show quote history

His actually. However, I think it's an irelevant point. My point now is we both want to stay together and get things back on track.

OP posts:
Girlwithavibe · 14/08/2026 12:29

You both have just got out of the habit of being intimate !
Use it or lose it they do say !!
It's about making and effort with each other and getting that spark again you can do it if u deep down really truly love him it will be worth it ❤️

Charley50 · 14/08/2026 12:31

I quite suddenly lost interest in sex with DP in my mid-fifties, felt I really couldn’t be bothered anymore. I started HRT (perimenopausal) and got right back into sex very quickly. I think HRT (or the topical version) is worth a try for sure.

Charley50 · 14/08/2026 12:34

Just to add I don’t take testosterone; I’m on progesterone 14 days on 14 days off, and oestragel every day. This worked for me.

rookiemere · 14/08/2026 12:44

Another vote for HRT or at least go and speak to your GP about options. It’s normal for female libido to trail off , but as it sounds like there are no other issues in the marriage it’s worth exploring all options to try and make sex enjoyable for you even on an occasional basis.

LocalHobo · 14/08/2026 12:58

What happened to ''to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."?
Sorry for believing a promise means some thing, and obviously abuse etc. negates these vows, but mismatched libido developing after 40 years! Sort it or live with it.

theemmadilemma · 14/08/2026 13:07

Have you considered sex therapy?

You say he's good looking, you say you do have a sex drive. So it sounds like you need to work through whats not attracting you to your DH anymore.

hoarderofthedough · 14/08/2026 13:28

You would be utterly INSANE to blow your life up now. We are in a similar position. I'm 56 and DH is 53, and it's him that's not too bothered about sex. I miss it, but no way would I blow up our lives, finances and retirement plans over this. I'm also hoping that when we retire things may be better in that department, because DH is very stressed with work. Do you go on holiday together. That always gets things back on track for us - sun, sea, sand, relaxation...the rest follows.

hoopieghirl · 14/08/2026 13:35

you are giving up a lot and many people would give their right arm to have your life. However I realise the issue is an important one. Just be careful you don’t throw away 40 years of happiness and family for nothing. You might not meet anyone else who sets your heart fluttering and OLD can be brutal. As my granny said” Be careful what you wish for as you might just get it”

category12 · 14/08/2026 14:00

Try HRT if you want to try something to get the marriage back on track.

I think it's horribly unfair to your dh, if he's a lovely man, to "quiet-quit" the marriage.

Unless you tell him that's what you're doing and he's OK with that.

Otherwise the poor bastard is going to continue hoping and trying when you've already decided you're done. It's a cruel thing to do.

AFPotts · 14/08/2026 14:02

It's a shame he's so dead-set on penetration, if you're happy to help him out in other ways. Does he link full sex to love or closeness?

Also another vote for hrt plus testosterone.

Hope you can find a way through this without having to have sex that you don't want.

EleanorMc67 · 14/08/2026 14:05

There was a post on here a year or two ago from a woman in a now-sexless long marriage who, like you & your husband, didn't want to split as the love was still there. And they did, with patience & slowness &, I think, some therapy, get back to having a good sex life again after years of nothing. I will post it if I can find it!!!

Original poster
Mollymaid64 · 14/08/2026 14:44

LocalHobo · 14/08/2026 12:58

What happened to ''to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."?
Sorry for believing a promise means some thing, and obviously abuse etc. negates these vows, but mismatched libido developing after 40 years! Sort it or live with it.

What do you think i'm trying to do? How in any way is your comment helpful? I really don't understand your stroppiness tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollymaid64 · 14/08/2026 14:48

category12 · 14/08/2026 14:00

Try HRT if you want to try something to get the marriage back on track.

I think it's horribly unfair to your dh, if he's a lovely man, to "quiet-quit" the marriage.

Unless you tell him that's what you're doing and he's OK with that.

Otherwise the poor bastard is going to continue hoping and trying when you've already decided you're done. It's a cruel thing to do.

Exactly. And I feel cruel just having a house mates relationship. We shouldn't be obliged to have sex we don't want, but it's not fair on the spouse who does still want to.

OP posts: