Disabled, would you divorce?

[OneScaredMamma]

I'm in my early fifties and disabled with autoimmune disease. I work part time. I'm married with one teenager.

I have been married fifteen years. I am desperately lonely in my marriage. I asked my husband to attend couple's therapy to improve our communication. He refused. He is work obsessed and money obsessed. I believe he has high functioning autism. We have a comfortable lifestyle but I feel so alone with him. This year I had a bad flare of my illness and although he did practical things (housework, making dinner) it was so clear that he resented it and me. There was no affection, empathy, even company.

I feel like I'm dying of loneliness and have felt this way for years. I also know that I will be much poorer and my capacity to work is limited. I really want the chance to have a loving relationship again before I get too old but I know that I may well end up alone forever. Somehow I think it would be easier living life on my terms and planning for my future. I don't have faith in him to care about me as I become more ill.

Did any of you make the jump in these circumstances? And if so, did you regret it or feel relieved? I finally spoke to a solicitor this week and it will likely be a 50 / 50 split.

> I asked my husband to attend couple's therapy to improve our communication. He refused.

Given the context, this is unreasonable. I know a lot of people don't like counselling, but he needs to man up a bit imo.

Yes.

i’m severely disabled and use a wheelchair.

i live in a much (much!) cheaper area but I manage on my own and I got pip and esa. I’m a lot happier without his grumpy arse around

Seperate the problem with the marriage from the desire for someone else. There is not an oversupply of nice normal men looking for older women, arguably there isn't a supply full stop. My attractive and well off friends in their 40s and 50s struggled to find decent partners and dare I say it they are not disabled.

By all means end an unhappy marriage, I did, but don't assume it will lead to a happy ever after.

Yes I recognise I probably won't find anyone else. At this point I bounce between feeling like I should put up and shut up and feeling like it's slow death staying. I think I just want the chance to be free again and feel like I have something to live for.

Are you able to care for yourself or get someone to care for you temporarily? Does he ever get the chance to do anything for himself, does he have hobbies that don't include you? It is so important when caring for a disabled partner that the carer gets a bit of respite to avoid monotony or resentment. My husband is a member of the carers trust and they provide money for him to pay for things like hotels and activities to do things away from me. He likes to visit other masons lodges around the country. I can manage one night alone or invite a friend over.

Do you think some time apart would help or us it really past saving? Have you spoken to him about how you feel? I know he said no to therapy but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try and talk to him, he may think there's nothing wrong.

This sounds very annoying and disturbing but you should try to convince him to go for couple's therapy as this would be helpful for you.

Even if you don't meet anyone else, surely it will be easier being alone in your own space without your husband contributing to you feeling lonely. You would be able to buy in help perhaps?

i left after ten years. i have chronic fatigue syndrome. he didn't love me it was just habit. the house was mine so no issues there. benefits were crap back in the day however they are better now. defo look into what you could be entitled to with your disability.

there are not a lot of decent guys out there. ive given up in that thought. i now no longer rely on any man for my happiness. i have good friends and get out and enjoy things i like in moderation. yes im sometimes a bit lonely but in the whole im happier by myself. i am a bit skint though!

You might find it helpful to find out about Cassandra Syndrome, which is where women married to autistic men experience chronic mental or physical ill-health due to the lack of emotional support.

Mark Hutten has some good videos about it on YouTube.

I'm disabled with multiple conditions and no job, married for 42 years. I left early last year and I'm loving it.

I can now pay for a cleaner and a gardener instead of being expected to do it myself. I buy ready meals and pre chopped ingredients so I can finally eat food that I like instead of what he wants (or what disagrees with me). I plan my life for when I have flares rather than hoping he will step up. I'm free.

Will you get PIP if you live alone or with teen?

I wouldn’t leave because of what you think you’re going to find round the corner.

Ask yourself if being single now would be an improvement.

Similar situation albeit slightly different circumstances.

I have a younger dc than you. My issue is that I don't want to be separated from dc. Plus we support each other in maintaining the house both having slight disabilities but nothing severe. Married to a high achieving autistic man. We have a comfortable life.

It is extremely lonely. I can totally relate. There should be support groups for people in our situation a chance to communicate between ourselves because I often feel like I'm the only one in this situation.

Be prepared. Your husband may attempt to find someone else. I don't want to worry you but this is a possibility depending on how he is driven. It is worthwhile considering how a single life could look for you. I do really hope you find some love and care.
I do have a few friends. Fortunately, they are my lifeline. No family support.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Sometimes i think it would be far easier living on my own or with another individual due to the intense loneliness I feel. If money were no object I would employ a fulltime housekeeper/companion but it wouldn't sort the issue of my dc in any case. After a few decades of marriage, I would not now choose my husband as a friend or housemate. I've decided that if I find myself on my own at a later date, I will attempt to acquire one of these house share arrangements organised via age UK. Not there yet but I honestly think they would be more comfort to me than what I've currently got (my husband is actually mildly abusive at times - emotionally/verbally).
I don't know what to advise. I wanted to let you know that I very much hear what you are saying.

I read about it years ago and the truth of it haunts me. I am living proof of it. The so called high functioning autistic man I'm married to is high functioning only in the most narrow sphere. He will attract a gold digger who prizes his money. He'll be quite happy because in emotional terms he is barely human.

I'm not yet so disabled he needs breaks as a carer. He makes the dinner, loads the dishwasher, does a food shop once a week. All things he would do as a single man but he acts like I won a trophy. He doesn't even see his own deficits. He thinks he is the perfect husband. Any attempt to speak for a need is met with defensiveness and anger or accusations of 'aggression'. Calmly asking for something I need is aggressive on planet him.

You might actually find living without him improves things for you health-wise, without the stress and misery of the relationship.

I'd look into the finances and practicalities of it seriously on the quiet, and then make a decision.

This is such a sad post, I wanted to
jump on here and give you my best wishes.
It’s very hard to know what to advise, but have you tried talking to your husband. I wonder what his reaction would be if you told him how you have been feeling and asked him how he would feel about you going your separate ways? Or how you might arrange your future so that it makes both of you happy?

I’m leaving. I have exact same set up. Divorce is going through. You only have one life. You can join us on Asperger’s thread in relationships. I think we’re in number 18 now. Lots of in same boat. Some stay some leave.

many of us with autoimmune diseases. Think being unloved makes them much worse or even contributes to developing new ones.

I love it being just me abs my two teens. He was such hard work and so unloving.

Also try the real test: what happens if you’re really ill? You’ll discover he is like a robot and doesn’t give a shit. That’s what I found out. So that’s when I left, don’t wait. Leave while you still can!!!

I have friends in a very similar situation.
It took the wife to be completely blunt and lay everything out on the line before her husband actually understood. He was completely oblivious to others emotions.
He loved his wife dearly and once he had it set out in crayon he did better.

I haven't read through all of the replies but needed to post because this resonated with me. When I got unwell with long covid my ex barely registered when I was having a flare. I would feel dizzy and need to sit on he floor to prevent collapsing and he would still be speaking at me about whatever was bothering him at the time. I can still remember the loneliness of that, of not being seen or cared about.

things got complicated and he was potentially unfaithful. Not 100% sure but was definitely lying. We split 3 years ago.

I am now managing my health much better and rebuilding myself and learning who I am with this illness. I am compassionate to myself and feel content. I don't think I would feel as stable if I stayed with him. Im convinced being in that relationship worsened my health but I didn't know it at the time.

Every situation is different but I would trust your gut feeling and do what feels best for you. Try pushing for counselling if you feel that's the best next step. Then if no movement on that front you will have more information to make a decision.

Things that help me manage include paying for services where I can, keeping meals extremely simple (a capsule meal plan) and flexible so I can make it easier or adapt when fatigue kicks in, decluttering and reorganise my home to make it fatigue friendly.

Good luck in whatever you do.

It's hard to advice you properly, because there's a lot to unfold:

• You are lonely in your marriage
• Your husband isn't great at being there for you and supporting you
• He refuses to accept the suggestions you make of improving communication in your marriage

At the same time:

• You only work part time
• You are disabled

On the plus side:

• Your husband is a provider, from what I understand. He works and, I assume, pay majority of your bills (if not all of them?)

I wouldn't necessarily choose divorce at this point. You don't mention if you have talked candidly to your husband about how lonely you feel, and told him clearly what you need from him?

Do you have other people in your life? Siblings? Good friends? Would it help to retract from your husband a bit and, as you say yourself: live your life on your own terms? But without getting a divorce? Maybe a bit of space will help your marriage, and maybe nurturing other relationships will make you feel less lonely.

It sounds to me as though you need to give yourself permission to re-centre your wellbeing. Your child still loves you but is becoming less dependent (as is natural), you’re having to adjust to your changing health, and your husband isn’t offering the emotional support you need. It’s totally normal to feel the way you do.

Your loneliness really spoke to me when I read your post. Can you start to address that straight away? It doesn’t require any decisions about your relationship or finances.

Are there old friends you can reach out to who you’ve lost touch with? Family you could connect more with? A support group around your illness?

What do / did / might you love doing? If you’re into reading, crafting, could you join a group? There are a lot of online groups around specific hobbies if you find your energy levels low / in pain. My friend is a wheelchair user who is into gaming and they meet as a group online every week, and from time to time in person. Real life friendships have resulted.

The other thing to consider is if you could volunteer. A lot of phone based helplines can be manned from home - and you still get to connect with other like minded volunteers from time to time through training and social events. Perhaps you could be a charity trustee, which could involve monthly meetings, but not a huge commitment.

Can you put yourself and your wellbeing first?

It’s easier to think clearly about the more difficult questions like ending your relationship when you’re feeling more connected and supported. 💐

I am also disabled and I have recently separated from my husband. I am 45 with a five year old

It has been the best decision i’ve ever made. I was desperately lonely and being married and lonely is soul destroying. We have a five year old and I guess your situation may be more challenging giving the age?

I have had many surgeries and the resentment from him “caring” for me was just building and building. No empathy or sympathy from him yet if he had a cold he was at deaths door! I say “caring” when he would do things that were very uncaring and not kind.

My life is much calmer and less stressful without him being at home. Yes there are other challenges but just because we are disabled does not make us unlovable and not able to be valued as partners.

I am on long term sick leave as in a continuous flare and I had to apply for UC which was a long process but one of my friends helped me with it.

It’s been a while since we separated and I too am lonely and fed up. I joined some dating websites and although they are a bit hit and miss at times it’s done wonders for my confidence.

I’ve been very very conservative for years on that front but it’s made me realise that life is most definitely too short, yes there are men who find me attractive despite my disabilities which I felt defined me for too long!

The other thing is it’s not just the dating thing that’s made me more confident. It is taking the control back and being the mum and person I want to be and not having it squashed by a husband who made his decisions xx

Tough one.

50/50 split, of what? If the total estate is 2m then you could get a place and be comfortable, not worry about work. If it's 300k, then 150k wouldn't get you much then there is the cost of living. Personally I would sacrifice some (not all happiness) for money bit thats me!

Would you be happier on your own but poorer? Would you be happier not having him around? What happens if you flare up on your own?

What do both of you get out of the relationship - what are his good points (financial stability?), what does he get from you? Why is he still there, if he is not happy why does he not find someone else (as you say, a gold digger would be easy pickings)?