DH aggressive towards me after letting me down again while I'm grieving my Mum

[Yewlez]

I hardly know where to start with this and I don't want to drip feed but I also don't want this post to be really long so I'll try and give some background briefly. I have name changed but I am a long-term user on here and I have posted about relationship stuff here before as well.

Right now I'm in the middle of grieving for my mum who died three weeks ago. I am carer for disabled autistic DD and I also home educate my autistic DS. I am autistic myself, diagnosed, and I am certain that DH is also autistic as he presents exactly like DS.

I am in the middle of trying to sort out dd's education for September with the council because she cannot attend college and it is a bit of a nightmare. I always deal with everything to do with the kids.

I pretty much deal with everything to do with the house as well DH looks after the bank account and the direct debits, he puts the bins out and he does the shopping and cooking because I offloaded that onto him a few years ago because I was literally doing everything.

He doesn't clean because he doesn't seem to see dirt and if I left it to him it would be an absolute midden before he would clean anything.

So I'm carrying all the mental load and most of the physical load which is more strenuous than the average family due to neurodivergence and physical disabilities.

I am in the middle of organising my mum's funeral but I ordered eclipse glasses and a few days ago I asked dh to work out a good place for us to go and view it.

I had already tried to find out by asking on Facebook and I have suggested a location for him to look into as part of his research.

Anyway this morning he was heading off to work and I asked him where we were going to go this evening for the eclipse.

He said he needed to look into it. I told him that I'm upset that he hasn't done it because I had asked him to and he said he would and also that because I am autistic as he knows I don't like spontaneity and I need to know the plan. He isn't going to be home until 6:00 this evening and in a client meeting all day so now there is no plan and I am feeling quite anxious about that, and that I will need to sort it all out on top of phoning the funeral directors, and emailing the council about my daughter, and writing the eulogy that I'm going to give at the funeral, and speaking to the florist regarding some flowers, and phoning some people and telling them about the funeral details...

So I told him I was upset and feeling anxious now because he hadn't done it and I said that he had let me down. I will admit that it would have been better for me to say that I felt let down but this is not the first time he's done something like this and I am very emotionally vulnerable at the moment so my wording wasn't the best.

The problem is his reaction. I was sitting up in bed and he was standing and he walked over to me and lent over so he was in my face and then raised his voice and said in a very aggressive manner with an angry face "I'm always letting you down aren't I !?"

It was sneery and accusatory as if he thinks I'm being really unreasonable.

I replied that yes he is always letting me down and I'm really upset about it and that it wasn't okay for him to speak to me like that.

He said sorry, like literally just the word sorry, and then hugged me which I didn't really want in that moment and has gone to work.

I'm sorry this is long but the problem is that I feel that he's really stepped over a line with the aggression and getting in my face.

I am grieving my mum and he has given me no emotional support. She was ill for a long time and he didn't emotionally support me despite me asking multiple times. I don't think he is capable but I have previously tried to discuss with him his inability to do emotions and asked if he would do some therapy around it because I think it would really help him. He said he would then he didn't which is basically what he does with everything, big or small, he says he will and then he doesn't and then he gets angry if he is called out on it. He also sulks and goes quiet.

I know he had a difficult upbringing with his mum storming out of the house frequently and leaving them alone and I've tried over the years to be understanding and to help him grow and get over this, in the same way that I did not have an easy childhood and I had to do lots of work and therapy to develop as a person especially being autistic because we see things differently.

But I'm really upset that his reaction to me saying that I felt let down because he hadn't done one thing I asked him when I have so much on my plate at the moment, and so many big things to do, which I am dealing with on my own without his support, that his reaction was to get my face and raise his voice at me aggressively.

It isn't the first time he's done something like that but it is rare, however the reaction was very intense considering the fairly relaxed conversation we were having. I had not raised my voice or got angry I just stated that he had let me down and that I was feeling very anxious as a result.

DH doesn't really do any emotions at all but if he does any emotion it is anger.

I just don't know where to go from here really. There is much more backstory in that we have not had any sex or physical affection or even compliments for nearly 13 years. I have brought up many times the fact that he is not affectionate towards me at all and we did try some counseling but he didn't really engage with it and nothing changed.

I have talked to him multiple times about this and have even said that I'm not sure that I can continue in the marriage if things don't change but they never change.

I just don't know what to do because I don't know if it's worth trying to work through this with him or if I should just keep quiet and carry on living as I am. It would be really hard to divorce because I can't work because of the children and I don't have a pension, I don't know where we would live or what I would do.

The kids often complain to me about him because he does get really aggressive with them at times especially DS, and he's so emotionally unavailable.

I just need to talk to someone about it I'm crying as I'm writing this because I just have no one to talk to.

I got married because I thought he was my best friend and I thought he would be my emotional support through life because that's what I thought husbands and wives did for each other, but instead we are like flatmates and I am so lonely and so unhappy.

I'm sorry this is so long I just feel like there's so much context beyond what happened this morning and I don't want to be accused of drip feeding.

Please help me make sense all of this in my head and decide what to do. Mum's funeral is next week and I really don't need him upsetting me on top of everything else.

What a vile man.

He clearly doesn’t like not being centre of attention because you’re grieving your mum. 💐

He is aggressive and it will only get worse.

As for him not seeing dirt, whatever. Ofc he does. Just doesn’t want to help.

It’s not getting better, is it? It’s not going to get better. I hope you can find a happier way to live.

I am very sorry about the loss of your mum.
In your grief you are trying to do too much and taking too much on.
This man doesn’t hear you and doesn’t want to hear you - you can talk and discuss and encourage in all the ways you have and it’s not going to make one bit of difference, I am afraid.
You are far too young to have no intimacy in a marriage for 13 years. Sadly, it’s not really a marriage now and he’s not even your friend.
If your children are noticing and being affected by it then that’s really not good.
Any huge change will feel too much after losing your mum, but at some point you need to choose a better life for you and your children.
You really really deserve it.

I would seek legal advice with a view to divorcing him.

I would also talk to Women’s Aid.

You have a choice re him op and your d.c do not. What is the point of you and he being together under the same roof now?. Staying for the kids if that is or has been your intention has done you and they no favours at all and as you are seeing it’s not easier for you either to stay.

I am sorry for your loss.

If it has been 13 years I doubt anything will change.

You need to be upfront and discuss it and have a clear thought process that if he does not want to do anything more than he is doing and remain the same are you happy to live the rest of your life in this way? If not then maybe leaving is your better option.

I am not sure of the support network you have around you but you yourself will know if you can handle your children and all the household, as then it will all be on you.

His aggressiveness is a major issue and not something you should have to deal with. It sounds like he is co trolling you through this aggressive behaviour as you will be less likely to complain due to the outcome of the conversation.

You need to assess whether you can continue living like this.

I have talked to him multiple times about this and have even said that I'm not sure that I can continue in the marriage if things don't change but they never change.

Things don't change on their own, there needs to be a catalyst. This is one of those posts where you want someone else to change their behaviour but you are not prepared to change your own behaviour.

He is not going to change so if you want change it has to come from you. There's no point in making false threats.

I'm quite surprised at the responses but then I guess I posted for unbiased external views. I don't think of him as an aggressive person and I don't think of him as controlling. He speaks in an aggressive manner often but I feel that it is some kind of defense mechanism because he can't cope with dealing with anything it seems. Having said that I can never understand how he is really senior at his work and well regarded and manages teams of people when he doesn't seem to be able to manage dealing with his wife and two children. I've always assumed that because he is neurodivergent that he uses up all his ability at work and then struggles at home.

I genuinely do think he can live with a much higher level of mess than I am able to or indeed any other normal person would be able to. If I ask him to clean something he will clean it although he might huff and puff about it but he just seems to be happy living in quite a squalid environment which he will then blitz and completely clean and spent hours and hours and hours doing it rather than just keep on top of things regularly.

He isn't physically aggressive usually which is why I'm posting because this is quite rare but he did do it memorably once when our youngest was a tiny baby and I was so scared by it that I actually ran out of the house because he really frightened me. There was also another time when the youngest was small when I was genuinely frightened he was going to hurt the baby and I refused him touch our son.

That time I ran out he didn't call me on my phone or come out of the house to look for me and when I went back in he just pretended it hadn't happened. Like I said I assumed that this is some kind of reaction to his childhood but I also think that in his late 50s he really should be able to deal with his emotions and he should seek help when it's raised by me.

We got married in 2008 so it has been a really long time that I have been unhappy and I have frequently tried to talk to him about it but all he says is I will try to be better or I need to be better but he doesn't actually then change anything.

I suppose I am being really stupid to think that he will change aren't I? And I suppose the reason doesn't matter whether he's not capable or not willing the outcome for me and the children is the same.

I wonder sometimes if he really just can't cope with having a family and a job. To be fair I really struggled as well which is why I no longer work because the children need so much input but then I do all of that so that he doesn't have to so all he really does is work.

I feel like I've made him sound really awful and I don't think that he is really awful compared to a lot of posts I have read on here it's just that he is so blank and so emotionally unavailable and that the only emotion we do get from him is being angry and grumpy.

But I'm also worried that because I am so newly bereaved of my mum that I shouldn't make decisions about my life at the moment because I am all over the place emotionally.

But then I wonder what if this is the impetus to finish it and try and be happy in my life?

I'm sorry I know I'm going around in circles it's just really helpful to hear other people's thoughts and to have somewhere to talk about it.

You've got enough on your plate right now without making him the star attraction. He's done this before, he will do it again, this is who he is. You've not got any new information, there is no emergency here to deal with.

I would stand in the garden with a cup of tea to "see' the eclipse if that makes the day easier, or drive to the place you've identified with the DC if they want to come.

Focus on the funeral, and the eulogy and the arrangements for that. Create yourself as much space as possible, and if that means telling him that you're not available for discussion about anything other than logistics re the household and DC until further notice, then do that.

After the funeral, get legal advice regarding the financial situation should you decide that a divorce is what you want, and work out what you would be entitled to in terms of help.

The kids often complain to me about him because he does get really aggressive with them at times especially DS, and he's so emotionally unavailable.

This isn't ok. You don't want their voices ringing in your ears in later life, and knowing you didn't do what you could have done.

I hear you OP. In an ideal world it would be better for you to get away from him . But I also understand that you are in a very difficult position. It is all very well for others to tell you to just LTB but it is not that simple for you. Unless he earns a lot and will pay CM you are unable to work because of your kids . So you need to sort out your options like housing and income . Perhaps other posters here will be able to point you in the right direction.
I am sorry for the loss of your mother. It is a special relationship and you must miss her dearly 💐

It's never been meant to be a threat I've always tried to sit down and discuss with him and say how I feel and how his behavior makes me feel and to express what I would like our marriage to be like. It's only in the last few years that I have started saying that I am not sure I can continue as we are simply because nothing has changed in so long. I was trying to be open and honest about how I feel not too threaten him but to share my point of view.

Some years ago we did have an argument about something and he shouted at me that we may as well get divorced if I wouldn't do what he said or wanted, I can't remember exactly what the argument was about now. That did feel threatening and I told him that it was not okay to threaten divorce every time he didn't like something I said. He hasn't done it since.

Do you think I am wrong to say that I don't think I can carry on in the marriage if things don't change when I'm talking to him about it? I don't want to be manipulative I just want to have open and honest conversation and for him to work with me to change things.

Also what is it about my behaviour that you think I need to change?

If you have no intention of separating then they are just empty words. You say them, he carries on doing the same thing and nothing happens. This is what needs to change. You need to act on your words now.

Start looking into separation and everything that involves. Book an appointment with a solicitor. If he sees you taking these actions he will know it's really happening. That might be the catalyst for change. If he is negative about it, not willing to engage, not willing to change then you see it through.

If you do nothing, nothing will change and you will be here posting the same thing year after year after year.

I would focus on your mothers funeral for now and when that has passed start to think about where your life is going with him.

It’s not you, it’s him.

He is quite happy as he is (he has you around to carry the mental load and the kids whilst he swans about) and what makes you think he is neurodivergent?. And even if he was it’s no excuse or justification for how you and the dc are treated. Your dc and you are on an ASD spectrum and as a whole autistic people are at higher risk of being in abusive relationships. He is manipulative and ties you up in knots. You make excuses for his unacceptable behaviour.

He does not talk to his work colleagues like he does to you people as his family unit. No he’s all sweetness and light with them.

I'm sorry OP, it's never acceptable for him to get in your face and shout aggressively, no matter what you've said or how upset he is with you.

Reading back what you've said - that the only emotion you and the children get from him is anger and grumpiness I have to wonder if staying with him is just going to mean many more years of misery.

You have suffered an awful bereavement, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. I think you're right that now is not the time for you to be making big life-changing decisions. First, you need to concentrate on your mum's funeral and there will be time afterwards for you to really think about what you want for the future. I think you need to be honest with yourself about his ability to understand how you're feeling and if he is actually capable of change at this age and stage of his life. And the effect of his behaviour on you and your children.

I am sorry to hear about your mum.You need to listen to those people telling you that you have too much on your plate at the moment to be making these big decisions. You’re grieving and overwhelmed, so make a list of what you need to do and then put it in order of your priorities, starting with the funeral for your mum and ending with ways sort out my relationship with DH.

"DH looks after the bank account"

@Yewlez Do you have full access to money, or does he control all of it?

If you are thinking of actually separating, then he's not the first person to talk to about it. Better to get things worked out first.

It would be really hard to divorce because I can't work because of the children and I don't have a pension, I don't know where we would live or what I would do.
Then find out how it would work. That way, you are free to make your decision based on your experience, not based on your lack of knowledge about what steps to take.
Remember that there are two of you making decisions here, and he could easily decide to divorce, or do something so shit that you have to divorce him quickly.

You are grieving and he is verbally aggressive and emotionally unavailable so he is not the person to support you in your grief.

You need to focus on your own situation first and try not to take anything else on for the moment. In time you can review this situation and make clearer choices.

FWIW we have family members and the nature of where I work with some work colleagues who are autistic who display an extreme level of lack of emotional empathy.

They are not people I would envy being in a relationship with. Empathy is very spiky in autism, some autistic people have excellent empathy but your DH sounds like he sits at the other end of that spectrum. All of the more recent research is confusing because it misses out on the cohort who lack empathy to the extent that they would never take part in research such is it that they just won’t care to but personal experience tells me they very very much exist and from what you are writing your husband may well be one of them.

If you are married then his pension is included in the marital assets.

Just after your mums death is no time to be making any sort of big decisions.

i was married to a very similar bloke. Some points to consider:

work is not emotionally draining nor does it require complex social interactions (depending on the kind of work). My ExH was a computer programmer and shit hot at it do he did well at work. He had no skills in emotional regulation or support so was significantly less successful with his family (kids and wife and wider family)

he may be able to change but whether he wants to is a different question and he may well not want to,

yes, you could divorce him. Presumably both your kids would stay with you (home educating and carer). So where will you live/what money will you live on?

start listing options. Don’t bother to include him giving you emotional support in the options because that is not available.

look at the assets in the marriage - if they were split into two where could you live, could you buy with half of the money or would you have to rent, if so you’d either need an income or to go to the council (most areas have a lot of pressure on social housing but some areas worse than others)

do your research

I have access to the joint account, but that isn't the one he gets paid into. I have an account with 7k in and there's another account with a similar amount in which is in his name I think. I don't have access to it anyway. I think there are also other accounts, but I don't fully know. Shit.

Get through the funeral before making any big decisions. You're in limbo until then. Focus on saying your goodbyes and then think it all through.

My ex-H was unsupportive when my mother was unwell and subsequently died. Like your husband, he was abusive. I feel for you, it is awful to be so unsupported and alone when you are supposed to be in a partnership. 💐

You don't have to jump to action on this today, unless you or the DC are in danger of harm. Chop it up into chunks and give yourself a rough timeline ie take one step a week in the direction you feel like you want to go.

I'd say if you can find out more about the financial situation, go onto entitled to website and find out what might be available for you, and book an appointment with a solicitor to find out what you might expect should you decide divorce is something you would like, that would shift the way you're feeling fairly significantly.

It may make you feel more in control to have some more knowledge, and an idea of what your options are, so you can choose, rather than feeling stuck and not really knowing why.

For now, focus on the funeral, on your grief and what that needs. Build yourself a metaphorical island to live on with the DC and he can be out in the ocean somewhere. Make him mentally less significant if you can, and put all your energy into regulating yourself. You can't do much about him.

There was another incident last night. I'm documenting it here because I'm beginning to think I might have forgotten past incidents and I want a clear record of what's going on.

This is mainly for me so it's long.

As I said, one of the few things he does is cook dinner, but he often doesn't even start discussing what to have too easy after the kids are starving. He works from home, so he is here already. He finishes at 5.30 and last night at 6.30 dinner wasn't started. I asked him what we were having.

Worth noting here that I had spent the day doing stuff regarding my mum's funeral which is emotionally draining.

My autistic ds12 only wanted pizza so after a lot of faffing we decided he would have takeaway. There was a bit of an incident where DS got hysterical about thinking the pizza place had shut down and wouldn't listen to us so I told DH to just drive there and phone from there so DS would know it was open

DH instead decided to go as have a bit of a go at ds about it being open, but DS was in meltdown and needed to be left alone.

DH would disagree that he had a go, by the way, for fairness.

I called through to him to leave ds above and just go. He didn't hear/ignored me (he often "doesn't hear" me, I've asked him to have a hearing test but he won't). So I admit I shouted, but only to make him hear me and in a bit of frustration.

Side note that DD17 said to me later "he wasn't listening to you" so that's corroborated.

He stormed out finally but I could tell he was angry. He did call from the pizza place and got pizza.

When he came back he then cooked for DD who was starving. Then he cooked for us (he decided we were all having different meals).

DS was calm by then, but he was out of routine so was difficult about going up to bed. The thing that works best is if he is left to play a bit in the garden then playfully encouraged to get ready for bed

But we then had a total meltdown about the fan in his room, because we bought him a new one which arrived yesterday and he freaked out about it being wrong, because he's autistic.

Unfortunately this was all too much for me. I ended up having a meltdown myself and was sobbing, DS was hugging me but I just wanted him to go upstairs.

DH then grabbed DS and yanked him off me, hard. DS was scared and ran away and hid under a desk in another room, crying.

I admit I shouted at this point. I shouted at DH "stop abusing my children! You keep doing it as it needs to stop!"

I then ran to go to ds but DH was stood in the doorway and didn't move. (He often does this, I can't decide if it's deliberate or he is just spatially unaware).

Because I was upset and DS was hysterical I then did shout at DH again to "get out of my way and stop abusing my children".

He moved, I went to ds and then I heard the front door go and realised DH had walked out.

I calmed ds down, which took a long time, and got him to bed.

At some point DH came back and said goodnight to ds. He then, in front of the kids, told me head and that he was upset with me referring to the kids as my kids instead of ours. I just replied that "they are my children if you are scaring them, and I will defend them".

Later I spoke to him and told him he was being abusive, that his behaviour wasn't ok, that he seems to be very angry recently (over quite a few months) and that he needed to get a handle on it.

I wanted to say to him, but I didn't, that I had been working on my mum's funeral all day which he knew and that I needed emotional support rather than creating World war 3. I didn't because it won't change anything and I'm so tired of it all.

As I'm writing this I'm realising that his angriness seems to have coincided with my mum becoming ill and then her decline over the last nine months till her death. I don't really understand if that's significant but I want to note it.

Today he's acting like nothing happened, which is how he always deals with conflict. If I bring it up again I'll be told I'm "going on at him".

I told him when mum got really ill that I needed him to step up and be better with supporting me emotionally, because I know it is something struggles with and I wanted to flag it and something I was really going to need him to focus on. But it feels like he's gone the other way and is just being angry and aggressive without even trying to calm himself down.

Fuck. If I was reading this I would tell me to leave. This is no way to live is it? Even if to everyone else he looks lovely and kind, and sometimes he is, but mostly he is neutral at best.

It is no way to live and it is awful for your poor children. Witnessing events like last night are harmful.
I am so sorry you are grieving your mum but also know that she wouldn’t want you living like this.
Life is too short and precious.

I hate that my kids are being damaged. DH wasn't like this before, it's fairly recent and I don't know what has caused it.

Maybe I should ask him to move out temporarily? Although I don't know where he would go or how he would pay for it.