I hardly know where to start with this and I don't want to drip feed but I also don't want this post to be really long so I'll try and give some background briefly. I have name changed but I am a long-term user on here and I have posted about relationship stuff here before as well.
Right now I'm in the middle of grieving for my mum who died three weeks ago. I am carer for disabled autistic DD and I also home educate my autistic DS. I am autistic myself, diagnosed, and I am certain that DH is also autistic as he presents exactly like DS.
I am in the middle of trying to sort out dd's education for September with the council because she cannot attend college and it is a bit of a nightmare. I always deal with everything to do with the kids.
I pretty much deal with everything to do with the house as well DH looks after the bank account and the direct debits, he puts the bins out and he does the shopping and cooking because I offloaded that onto him a few years ago because I was literally doing everything.
He doesn't clean because he doesn't seem to see dirt and if I left it to him it would be an absolute midden before he would clean anything.
So I'm carrying all the mental load and most of the physical load which is more strenuous than the average family due to neurodivergence and physical disabilities.
I am in the middle of organising my mum's funeral but I ordered eclipse glasses and a few days ago I asked dh to work out a good place for us to go and view it.
I had already tried to find out by asking on Facebook and I have suggested a location for him to look into as part of his research.
Anyway this morning he was heading off to work and I asked him where we were going to go this evening for the eclipse.
He said he needed to look into it. I told him that I'm upset that he hasn't done it because I had asked him to and he said he would and also that because I am autistic as he knows I don't like spontaneity and I need to know the plan. He isn't going to be home until 6:00 this evening and in a client meeting all day so now there is no plan and I am feeling quite anxious about that, and that I will need to sort it all out on top of phoning the funeral directors, and emailing the council about my daughter, and writing the eulogy that I'm going to give at the funeral, and speaking to the florist regarding some flowers, and phoning some people and telling them about the funeral details...
So I told him I was upset and feeling anxious now because he hadn't done it and I said that he had let me down. I will admit that it would have been better for me to say that I felt let down but this is not the first time he's done something like this and I am very emotionally vulnerable at the moment so my wording wasn't the best.
The problem is his reaction. I was sitting up in bed and he was standing and he walked over to me and lent over so he was in my face and then raised his voice and said in a very aggressive manner with an angry face "I'm always letting you down aren't I !?"
It was sneery and accusatory as if he thinks I'm being really unreasonable.
I replied that yes he is always letting me down and I'm really upset about it and that it wasn't okay for him to speak to me like that.
He said sorry, like literally just the word sorry, and then hugged me which I didn't really want in that moment and has gone to work.
I'm sorry this is long but the problem is that I feel that he's really stepped over a line with the aggression and getting in my face.
I am grieving my mum and he has given me no emotional support. She was ill for a long time and he didn't emotionally support me despite me asking multiple times. I don't think he is capable but I have previously tried to discuss with him his inability to do emotions and asked if he would do some therapy around it because I think it would really help him. He said he would then he didn't which is basically what he does with everything, big or small, he says he will and then he doesn't and then he gets angry if he is called out on it. He also sulks and goes quiet.
I know he had a difficult upbringing with his mum storming out of the house frequently and leaving them alone and I've tried over the years to be understanding and to help him grow and get over this, in the same way that I did not have an easy childhood and I had to do lots of work and therapy to develop as a person especially being autistic because we see things differently.
But I'm really upset that his reaction to me saying that I felt let down because he hadn't done one thing I asked him when I have so much on my plate at the moment, and so many big things to do, which I am dealing with on my own without his support, that his reaction was to get my face and raise his voice at me aggressively.
It isn't the first time he's done something like that but it is rare, however the reaction was very intense considering the fairly relaxed conversation we were having. I had not raised my voice or got angry I just stated that he had let me down and that I was feeling very anxious as a result.
DH doesn't really do any emotions at all but if he does any emotion it is anger.
I just don't know where to go from here really. There is much more backstory in that we have not had any sex or physical affection or even compliments for nearly 13 years. I have brought up many times the fact that he is not affectionate towards me at all and we did try some counseling but he didn't really engage with it and nothing changed.
I have talked to him multiple times about this and have even said that I'm not sure that I can continue in the marriage if things don't change but they never change.
I just don't know what to do because I don't know if it's worth trying to work through this with him or if I should just keep quiet and carry on living as I am. It would be really hard to divorce because I can't work because of the children and I don't have a pension, I don't know where we would live or what I would do.
The kids often complain to me about him because he does get really aggressive with them at times especially DS, and he's so emotionally unavailable.
I just need to talk to someone about it I'm crying as I'm writing this because I just have no one to talk to.
I got married because I thought he was my best friend and I thought he would be my emotional support through life because that's what I thought husbands and wives did for each other, but instead we are like flatmates and I am so lonely and so unhappy.
I'm sorry this is so long I just feel like there's so much context beyond what happened this morning and I don't want to be accused of drip feeding.
Please help me make sense all of this in my head and decide what to do. Mum's funeral is next week and I really don't need him upsetting me on top of everything else.