Mid-fifties and lonely in a long marriage. I want to stay, but how?

[Namechangedisaster]

DH and I rub along okay. He’s a lovely man who works hard, tries to pull his weight at home whilst managing a difficult, but well-paid career. If I’m completely honest with myself, we’ve never really connected that well, but due to the toxic family dynamics we both grew up in (mine physically and emotionally abusive) we met in our late 30s, found kindred spirits and tried to make something work. We moved in, married, started a family and have floundered in a million ways since then.

He finds communication challenging. I suspect he has undiagnosed ND (which he is now, 20 years after we first met, possibly recognising I think). I am insecure/avoidant in my attachments and have withdrawn from him because it’s just so painful trying to communicate. As an example, I just spoke to him about possible plans today and I mentioned wanting to go and see the Minions film – wittering on about how much I love Minions (I adore them, he would have no idea). In a classic question afterwards, he asked if I was going to see Spiderman. This is quite typical of our interactions, and it makes me feel so sad. I am terribly lonely. Sex, when we used to have it, wasn’t great and I gave up initiating it after DC2. We have had no intimacy at all for over 10 years.

When DC were younger, I filled my days with them. I was a SAHP a lot, and made the best I could with what we had, but time has moved on and now so have they. As teens they need me, but not in the same way. I feel like I am on hold.

I am in a pickle. I now have a part time, poorly paid job having previously worked in a high-profile career which collapsed (partially due to neglect on my part, but also market forces that devastated my industry). I am mid-fifties, lonely and trapped in a marriage that I have no idea how to fix. I don’t even know if I really want to, but I don’t want to move out and lose my home or my children.

I am menopausal, and in declining health and fitness. I have had years of different types of therapy and can no longer afford it. The last time I spoke to a therapist about this she encouraged me to find joy where I can and work at having a life outside of my marriage, which I have tried to do, but with menopause and general issues with low energy levels, I can’t seem to keep that up like I used to.

Has anyone else been through similar? What did you do? How did it resolve?

I’m sorry, i don’t have any advice. But i feel like I’m in the same boat!

I’ve tried to spend more time with dh, to rekindle. But find we just piss each other off. Is more harmonious when we’re not spending too much time together.

I'm sorry CocSoc. It's a very difficult place to be in, psychologically. The daily to-and fro in my brain is exhausting. I swing from looking at rightmove and imagining setting myself up somewhere else (bliss) to looking at my kids and thinking I just can't do that to them. Or to DH. I feel like whatever I do, I'm caught in a web of my own making, and whatever move I make, I tighten it and make everything harder.

I was very much in the same boat but my husband became increasingly grumpy as he aged and we stopped listening to each other at all. I attempted to leave many times and finally did a year ago. Only to discover he had re sparked a conversation with an ex a year before (via Facebook) I was absolutely flabbergasted. He is now with her. I was so hurt because I had taken my marriage vows very seriously, I thought him too. I am so pleased I am out. It is not easy at first but very much worth it. I now have my peace, my freedom and a control over life I never had before. We are sellign the family home and I am downsizing, not easy but will be worth it. I’m going to buy something that suits me instead of constantly compromising. I have a wonderful friends network which helps. And I am rebuilding my career, it’s never too late. Good luck.

I don’t know why, having written all of this, you want to stay in the marriage. It seems just that you want to keep your house and children in one place. That’s fine, plenty of people separate and coparent /nest in one home.
think of him as a flatmate /coparent and then just get out of the house and do other things. You don’t need his interest to enjoy minions, find friends or other family that like it and go with them. Act like you’re single . You don’t seem like you’re looking for another sexual relationship now but it’s easy to make new friends and do things you enjoy. Book a solo group tour holiday. Take classes in something.do a sauna and cold plunge. Anything to feel alive.
what you can’t do is magically fix your marriage into a rewarding reciprocal one all by yourself.

What and where do you magine yourself?

Are you getting menopause help? So many women experience the low energy/mood and hrt/testerone can really help.

Realistically if you lived alone (with the dc) would you feel happier?

Can you imagine a life without your husband?
How do you think that would be? I think that can be a good way to think about your future.
I think many of us in our 50s and 60s are living lives that are very different to when we were in the first exhilarating years of a relationship. We settle. Could you not carve out a life for yourself within your relationship?
But also coming together sometimes and try to be more nurturing to each other.
We have trips on our own … my husband has just set off to the Edinburgh Fringe for a week, which I would hate! Equally I took myself off for a few days visiting some gardens I wanted to see.

I could've written this post. I feel the same. We have drifted significantly emotionally and physically.
We remain friends but live separately.
I would leave if I could but I don't know what ducks to get in a row or even if I have any or enough ducks!
All I can say is I'm a bit further through menopause and my mind is more settled. I gave up thinking and hoping things could get better. My H is never going to be what I hoped my old age partner would be. So I accepted this loss of hope and expectations and found huge relief and peace.
I potter along in my p/t unskilled minimum wage job, and dream of escaping. I do this with weekend breaks with the teens or alone. He does likewise.

If you cam feel some kind of acceptance of the situation you are in and live your daily life positively through work, friendships, children and socialising you might feel the burden and confusion lifted.
It helped for me.
Good luck. You are not alone out there feeling as you do xx

So much wisdom in these replies, thank you all so much. I need time to think and will answer this evening when I have more time, but the questions asked are so good.

Can I imagine a life without him @Autumngirl5 and@Karma2023 ? Yes, absolutely. In that I am living a fantasy life with a house that requires no expensive maintenance, a fulfilling (but not taxing) job, and settled happy children. The reality would be very different, and although I would no longer be shoulding so much mental load (DH has executive function issues and can't pay bills, lock doors, or put out burning candles reliably. I have to check and re-check everything to prevent our car being stolen / the house burning down - exahusting); I would struggle financially, due to my low income potential. I think the kids would both really struggle with separation / divorce (for different reasons). One of them is very vulnerable and already struggling with friendship issues and I think this is a particularly difficult time for him - ideally I would want to wait another five years until he is through education before we broke up the household.

I think this is the main driver for wanting to make something work. We already have separate social lives, always have, although I do occasionally try to include him. I just find that harder and harder to maintain as time goes on with my declining energy / interest levels.

I am not sure what I want, or how to get it. @Justletmelogon I love what you have written so much (also, brilliant usuer name!). I am still at the raging at the dying of the light phase and really can't accept that this is it. I need to change my mindset. How did you manage that?

I tried HRT but it didn't seem to do much after a while and I stopped. It was too much faff going to the doctors and dealing with all the stickers / gel etc. I felt better after I gave up with it all. That was years ago now, maybe I need to rethink that and try again?

You have one shot at life.

If you wait until the kids are adults, your settlement in a divorce may be worse than if you make the jump now.

Your health etc may improve without the weight of unhappiness and if you leave it longer, you may not be in any condition to leave. You sound depressed to me, which you can medicate and therapise - but if it's situational, the best way to cure it is to change that situation.

Your kids may actually benefit from you splitting up if the atmosphere in the home is poor.

If you do stay for the next five years, use the time wisely by rebuilding your career. You may never regain all the ground you've lost, but you do have another 10 years or more in the workplace to get into a better position.

Again, this is your one and only life.

I hadn't thoought of that @category12 . I just assumed we'd spit everything 50/50. When we married I was wealthier on paper than he was and although finanically I haven't contributed as much as he has, I have managed our finances and looked after the kids so I sort of thought that would be standard. Sobering to think that might not be the case!

That does sound tough. But it is possible to make changes. I agree with the therapist who said try to find joy and sustenance in life outside your marriage, as much as you can, while focusing on what is good in your marriage. Appreciate his stablility, loyalty, work ethic. Try to notice the ways he shows love, even if they are not ways that resonate for you.

If you have very little energy, make changes in easy, tiny increments. I do things like: put on uplifting vibrant music first thing in the morning, when cooking, when cleaning, when feeling down. Create small focal points that give you joy - sounds stupid but just having a windowsill full of flurishing plants, or a desk with soothing lamplight and a small stack of inviting books and notebooks waiting for you, or a big vase of flowers on an uncluttered kitchen table - these things give me a lift.

Work out (maybe through journalling) what you want and need emotionally and socially - regardless of his ability to provide it. Then devise as many ways as possible to get it. Make efforts to meet friends for walks, coffee etc. Join book club, film appreciation society, hiking groups, WI, a campaign group for something you feel passionately about. If life gets beusier with things that don;t drain you but make you flourish, you will need less from him.

I love DH. He can be very loving indeed, but he is autistic and there have been times when I've felt profoundly lonely in our marriage. Often, though, it's when I feel a bit deflated anyway and wish I could rely on him to supply what I need without me making much effort. When that happens, I have, in the past, made hig changes - gone off on holiday alone, or trained fro a major sporting event. Somehow these bursts of activity from me seem to kickstart him too and when I get back, he;s more inclined to plan outings together.

Can you chat through with him some aspects of common ground - things you both enjoy, or would like to try, and put dates in the calendar to do them together.

I’d go to the GP and give HRT another try.
Try to build exercise into your routine. It really does boost your energy levels and mental health. Start slow - walking, yoga, swimming etc
Look for a new job. You may be surprised at what skills you actually have. Apply for things outside of your comfort zone.
You don’t mention whether you have friends/hobbies. Spend more time with friends, or try to find new ones or people with shared interests.
Start saving, if you can.

If you’re going to stay in your marriage until your children are older, you may as well make those years as happy as you can.

I'm so sorry OP. What a painful situation.

I think your use of the word "bliss" here is the pointer you should follow, however hard.

Please don't be like my mum, and live it out for another 40 years. Children see more than you think they do.

No advice but much love & solidarity. Also in my 50s, with an autistic husband who can’t manage daily life and does’t listen / is profoundly uninterested in anything apart from his special interests. And an autistic DC who needs a lot of support.

It feels like my life force is being drained from me.

if he can hold down a difficult career then he is perfectly capable of locking doors, paying bills and blowing out candles. How does he manage at work - fine I expect. No bloody executive functioning issues there! He thinks those indoor jobs are beneath him so those are your tasks to do. Read about weaponised incompetence.

I doubt very much he is nd: he’s just a lazy arsed product of his upbringing manchild who equates you nowadays to a domestic appliance.

Be brave and make the break from him sooner rather than later . Do not wait till the youngest is 18 before leaving him. Another five or do years of this current life you’re living at home really does not bear thinking about. Staying for the sake of the children is a bad idea and a mistake. Whose sake would you be staying for anyway because it could be argued it is not theirs but more like your own because it’s somehow easier to stay (it is not). Your house though is not a home.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no legacy at all to leave them.

Seek legal advice discretely and get medical help from your ongoing health issues. I would readily assume things will improve for you physically and mentally once you have separated from him, you cannot go on like this and it does the kids no favours to see their father treat you like this.

50/50 is but a starting point in divorce. You may well find you would walk away with quite a good financial. settlement. And can you imagine he seeing his children precisely half the week going forward given his job?. He’d likely see them every other weekend and perhaps one or two nights during the week.

Until you’ve supported autistic adults you have no idea. My DH can hold down an intellectually demanding job (a) because it involves little planning and decision-making, just an ability to solve abstract problems (b) it’s clear he fucks up at work a lot too, and takes a lot of time off because he’s
overwhelmed.

And he fucks up things at home that impact only him - letting his passport lapse, constantly losing his bank cards.

I stopped buying his clothes for him at one point to see what would happen and his one pair of shoes fell apart and he just stopped leaving the house because he felt helpless to know what else to do.

Autistic executive dysfunction makes no sense to anyone from the outside, and is often well hidden (which is why many autistic people who have no real interest in relationships, as most of us understand them, will actively seek and determinedly court a partner regardless - they are looking for a carer).

It take two to make a marriage work and you cannot save this on your own. Being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works.

If he has checked out then the best thing here for all concerned is to let him go. You and he now are housemates, not a marrried couple in the usual sense of the word. I also doubt very much you would want your kids to be in such a relationship so stop showing them this is acceptable to you.

Similar position but ten years older and disabled. We have zero emotional connection, he’s become lazy grumpy and scruffy. I spend my life picking up and cleaning up after him as I am a bit of a neat freak onky because I don’t know how il be tomorrow. We go through the motions of routine and domesticity but that’s it. I feel flat and lonely, like you though what can we do ?
leaving is so hard as our lives are intertwined in so many ways and would it be easier or better, I don’t know. If you find the solution let me know xxx
I often think if I’m going to be lonely I’d rather be on my own. If I lived alone I’d get help with my disability as I dread growing old with him. I don’t have the answers, hope you find yours x

I'm so sorry to read that you're in a similar position.

would it be easier or better

Well, it does sound rather as though it couldn't be much worse!

The trouble is that from where you are now, having habituated yourself to misery, you literally cannot imagine "easier" or "better." I hope you'll give yourself a chance to find out.

Financial depletion is difficult, but that kind of hardship is nothing compared with a life that destroys your very soul, slowly slowly so that you barely even notice.

I do have experience of escaping two decades of an awful marriage I'd got used to. I had no idea what rewards awaited me on the other side, once I was free of it.

My mum chose to stay. They were together for 70+ years, in the end.

You only get one shot at this life Molly and I would urge you to be brave and seek legal advice discretely. Knowledge is also power. You can’t be expected to go on as you are and staying to my mind is a lot harder than leaving. I have seen far fewer posts from women who have gone onto regret leaving and many write that they should have left sooner.

Why can’t you get divorced? Seems a bit unfair on him to stay with him when you clearly can’t stand him just for “the house” and a decent financial set up.

And it’s clearly not working out for you either hence all the counselling.

However, if you haven’t had sex for a decade then the marriage is over. There’s no reason you can’t stay living together as housemates for a mutual financial set up if that is what you both decide. You need to talk to him!

He’s a lovely man who works hard, tries to pull his weight at home whilst managing a difficult, but well-paid career

These are positive traits which shouldn't be overlooked.
Op, I would encourage to go back to a specialist menopause Dr, it may have to be private to establish the right routine. Some of what you describe could relate to the menopause malaise. I'm finally feeling better after hrt, my doses had to be increased and this was only via minoring through a private GP. I change a patch twice a week and take progesterone nightly..not much of a faff once in the routine.

You have acknowledged that living alone doesn't always reduce stress and that's realistic and the mental load doesn't go away whilst living alone. However you are just responsible for yourself and no one else, which can feel beneficial.

On 50/50, if you know the finances then look at 50/50 split however if the dcs are teens you are expected to maximise work which means full time. Pensions are an area to consider, do you have one now, if not get funding a pension so you are less reliant. A solicitor would advise on a possible financial outcome as it's very specific to circumstances, however if 50/50 would buy you a house and similar pension that's what likely to be awarded. You may get enhanced child support for a few years, typically 3 years.

Me too - think we’re going to need a bigger boat!