Mid-fifties and lonely in a long marriage. I want to stay, but how?

[Namechangedisaster]

DH and I rub along okay. He’s a lovely man who works hard, tries to pull his weight at home whilst managing a difficult, but well-paid career. If I’m completely honest with myself, we’ve never really connected that well, but due to the toxic family dynamics we both grew up in (mine physically and emotionally abusive) we met in our late 30s, found kindred spirits and tried to make something work. We moved in, married, started a family and have floundered in a million ways since then.

He finds communication challenging. I suspect he has undiagnosed ND (which he is now, 20 years after we first met, possibly recognising I think). I am insecure/avoidant in my attachments and have withdrawn from him because it’s just so painful trying to communicate. As an example, I just spoke to him about possible plans today and I mentioned wanting to go and see the Minions film – wittering on about how much I love Minions (I adore them, he would have no idea). In a classic question afterwards, he asked if I was going to see Spiderman. This is quite typical of our interactions, and it makes me feel so sad. I am terribly lonely. Sex, when we used to have it, wasn’t great and I gave up initiating it after DC2. We have had no intimacy at all for over 10 years.

When DC were younger, I filled my days with them. I was a SAHP a lot, and made the best I could with what we had, but time has moved on and now so have they. As teens they need me, but not in the same way. I feel like I am on hold.

I am in a pickle. I now have a part time, poorly paid job having previously worked in a high-profile career which collapsed (partially due to neglect on my part, but also market forces that devastated my industry). I am mid-fifties, lonely and trapped in a marriage that I have no idea how to fix. I don’t even know if I really want to, but I don’t want to move out and lose my home or my children.

I am menopausal, and in declining health and fitness. I have had years of different types of therapy and can no longer afford it. The last time I spoke to a therapist about this she encouraged me to find joy where I can and work at having a life outside of my marriage, which I have tried to do, but with menopause and general issues with low energy levels, I can’t seem to keep that up like I used to.

Has anyone else been through similar? What did you do? How did it resolve?

There was a really interesting thread a while back from women in a similar position to you who had left about whether it had actually made them happier - I wish I could find it. It felt like a rare point on Mumsnet, which is generally pro leaving. There were some very balanced comments about wishing they had kept the status quo, the challenges with being entirely financially responsible with no back up, sharing time with children and living somewhere smaller as well as more positive points. It certainly made me think. I find family life challenging at times, I often feel that my contribution is invisible or under appreciated - neurodivergence very much at play here too. I try to do what you suggest and find the joy in the small things and carve out some positive moments, and often this works, but I suspect that you are currently being held back by the menopause and second the suggestion to go back to the doctor. You sound very self aware, I'm sorry to hear about your awful childhood. I suspect that some of the things you have gone through will be hard to outrun and would follow you whether you were in your current relationship or not.

How about throwing him out of the boat
instead?. He’s the one sitting there not giving a damn whilst you tear about.

OP, You may want to listen to The Empowered Wife podcast to get some ideas. Self Care and Relinquishing Control are important if you want to stay together. You don't have to stay together.

Thank you, lots to think about here.

Just to be clear though, I do think he does give a damn. He's completely miserable too.

Well maybe you'd both be happier if you bit the bullet and split up.

If it's miserable, then you're not doing your dc any favours by giving them this model of relationships.

Lots of interesting stuff here.

The way I see it is that you work on YOU first and decide if you want to stay in your marriage a bit later.

Health- if you can afford it see a private menopause specialist. I have and it makes a huge difference in their expertise.

Consider your career- I retrained at 50 (part time distance learning) and I'm still working part time in my late 60s, self employed. I do it for the interest now not the money.

Talk to your husband about how you feel and consider couples counselling.

Be aware that the grass is not always greener. You might be happier alone, you might be the same, just alone. Think how the money will play out .

Oh, goodness, that sounds absolutely dreadful to be feeling so lonely within your marriage, especially after so long. It must be incredibly hard when you want to make it work but feel so lost about how. Is this a feeling that's gradually worsened, or has it just hit you recently?

Re-reading your first post, I think you need to improve your health.
You have an average of 30 years left- till your mid 80s.
Get fitter- start exercising, even just brisk walks for an hour a day.
Sort out HRT- again, you're just 55. (I didn't start HRT till almost your age and am still on it , years later.)
When your health is better and you have more energised, making choices will be easier.
I think your biggest issue is if you want to divorce while your kids are still at school, doing GCSEs and A levels. Don't underestimate the impact.

I partly agree with your counsellor- do things YOU enjoy and don't expect another person to fill that void.

And think seriously about the reality of divorce- financially, impact on children, if you want another relationship etc.

You might just swap one set of problems for another!