Married but no affection or intimacy for years, is this sustainable

[BeFunOpalQuail]

No kissing, no cuddling, no hand holding, no I love you, no complments - unless I initiate them and are still turned down (I can’t hold your hand I’m holding a drink)

Married and love her 3 teenage kids. Remember her instigating a quickie 16 years ago and it still gives me a thrill to remember what it was like to be wanted. She said we didn’t have sex because I told her I loved her all of the time so I stopped which hurt and after a while she said it was because I was asking for sex all the time (maybe 1 everyb4-6 weeks) and even then it as because I was scared of rejection. We lived most of our lives on our own and we had endless opportunities not just for sex but for intimacy. I stopped asking but went. 14 months without her saying a word even though I reminded her at the 14 month point. I asked the other night if she wanted a hug and she said not particularly but I can tell you can so you can have one. I have suffered mental health problems for a long time but that wasn’t mentioned up until previously I also had an addiction to meds and from that point of view she’s been amazing. I am always telling her how hot she is and how beatiful and clever bounces off. My biggest turn on would be to know her biggest turn on an and then give her it but even when we’re doing things she never breathes or talks or squeezes me or give any feedback to let me know she’s enjoying it and just hits o time sometimes without warning. I want her so badly but plucked up coursge to ask for a kiss when I had been sat with my Arm around her having a few drinks and she gave me a peck on the lips. Later in the night I asked again and she said no because I had one already. No compliments, buy aftershave she likes and nothing, said she’s got a thing for men in suits but when I wear one I just look like mom going to work etcetcrtcetc burn she has done some amazing things to stand by me financially and to support my mental health but the above is a pretty good flavour

I imagine the mental health problems are bought on by the lack of affection in your relationship.
Personally I think if you left , you could then find a woman who wants all the things you want and you would be happier . To feel loved and wanted is a humans basic need and you're not a monster for needing that. At some point you need to put yourself first because you're not happy.
You are entitled to leave a relationship for any reason and the fact you're not getting your needs met is a reason.

You could ask her if she would come to relationship therapy with you ?

I'm single and I'm not getting those things either but I was previously in a rship where my partner didn't like being touched very much and he didn't have a high sex drive and tbh it hurt more then than it does now that I'm single because I guess I expected those things because I was in a relationship.. Now I have no expectations I'm much happier. You probably will be too.

This isn't normal OP. This woman doesn't want you, you're just a housemate.

Oh this sounds heartbreaking. Can she actually see what shes doing with all the rejection/turning away? Id feel so lonely like that. And the treating you like a child with the no you cant have a kiss ive given you one already is just horrible. Sorry

She sounds very cold.
That's not a marriage. Disregarding anything physical, there's no love or affection from her side.

She isn't into you like that anymore. She's probably burnt out from having to look after you through mental health problems and addiction - men who have to be mothered lose their sex appeal, it's incredibly hard to come back from. Time for counselling or hard talk about the future.

My advice to any men asking this question on mumsnet is to get over to Reddit for the dead bedrooms feed.

Unless you want to hear a long list of why you're the problem. Though so far, not so bad!

What does she say about it now?

Was there any turning point event in your relationship where she lost interest in physical affection and sex with you?

What's the rest of your relationship like? Do you spend time together, laugh together, have fun together?

Have you tried relationship counselling?

You mention your mental health problems and addiction that she has supported you with. What sort of impact did that have on your relationship? Did she take on a caring role? Did she lose trust and/or respect for you?

Ask for an open marriage or separate

Dear god, get a divorce. The utter humiliation of asking your wife for a hug and her reluctantly giving you one. Just awful. Have you stayed because leaving is complicated financially?

My health hasn’t been bad for all of those years rhough - I had. Hard time for the last 3 months but instance and affection were the same before that. I tried to give her a goodnight peck every night before went went to sleep and it was nice but then she said
‘I don’t know where this has come from or why you’re’ making it a thing’. I was devastated because it wasn’t sex or a sex act or anywhere near I wanted to be emotionally close to her and it was nice - a lock on the lips!

She has never in bites warmth or affection and during her supporting me when my mental health was bad I never really noticed the difference of lack of intimacy. There were countless years when we had no money, an empty house, nothing to do and I would suggest it and it would be a no. I’ve tried planning it in and it’s too false and too forced I’ve tried suggesting it out of nothing and the. I’m expecting her to drop her plans and then she says all I want to do is get her into bed and how dare I expect her to change her plans and that I’m only doing it because the first thing on my mind is sex. She told me a but six years ago by text that she loves me without me saying it first and I used to read it over and over to t meant so much, she acknowledge that she didn’t say it very often but that’s an under-statement. I daren’t ask any more after the kiss and hug request I’m so scared of the upset of rejection

The turning point was still on our honeymoon period before we bought our first house. She said things would change when we got into our new house because her parents wouldn’t be around, it was a very exciting prospect by I remember thinking 24 years ago that it wa really odd that she kept turning me down all of an sudden and that was before mental illness was t anything

are you saying it's been like this since early days?

I think you have to accept she's not into you sexually. That's not necessarily your fault, nor hers, just how the chips have fallen. As a woman, if a man I don't want to have sex with tries to kiss me or tries it on, it's an absolute no regardless of how he does it. What's sad is that you're feeling so rejected after alll this time. Why do you stay?

I have sometimes stayed in the past for the kids or for fear of being alone or the hope that something would change. I’m now staying because she looks amazing, I want to be with her and if I’m honest I can’t picture her being nice to anybody else - she did say to me once I’m just not an affectionate person so if you want that you’ll have to find someone else but I don’t want anyone else. And then when we did it she was into it and I was in a place where I could joke about the facts she never instigated ANYTHING and not just sex but when we did stuff it was good and the feeling lasted for months because it was so infrequent. Now I’m staying because I don’t want to lose her, don’t know how to start again and don’t know if anyone will find me attractive - not feeling sorry for myself, I genuinely don’t know because I never get any words of validation, ever

You don't want to lose her?
What exactly does she contribute to the relationship apart from "looking amazing"?

If it's been 24 years(!) like this, it's not going to change.

Either you need to leave or you need to accept the situation and try to be happy without physical affection & sex.

Of course it's a massive leap to end things, and nothing is guaranteed about finding love and sex with someone else, but you only get the one life.

She just isn’t into you.

She won't change how she feels and what she wants. Things won't get better. It's your call if you stay or leave.

Are you attractive? Interesting? Do you provide well for the family?

I think it's kind of interesting that you only say she looks amazing and that's why you want to stay with her ... not loving or liking her as a person or anything like that. And you haven't answered about whether you have fun together, laugh together or enjoy each other's company.

Presumably there have been good parts to your relationship to stick around for apart from duty to children and misplaced hope for sex.

It is complicated financially but it’s a whole host of reasons. I used to be able to joke with her and almost resign myself to what I did/didnt get but even recently I needed som new pyjamas mine were awful and she said how innatractive a look it was and I felt very scruffy and conscious about it so we went shopping and said to buy what she likes as I don’t spend my tome looking at me. When I wore them I joked about how attractive I looked and she said ‘not in those cheap pyjamas’ she said she was joking but it was a miniscule opportunity to say something positive and she just has nothing nice to say so definitely not all about sex

Reading your post is heart-breaking. You deserve so so so much more Op. there’s more to life than this woman, and this empty relationship. Free yourself

That’s not right, I love their more than anything and Desiree her and fancy her and she is clever and funny in a way that few Poole get I am proud of what she has achieved she has supported me in many ways but we havnt had a perfect relationship and there have been many arguments and bad times but regardless of the situation its the same or worse - but definitely just with her for looks :(

Well you're the one who talked about how she looks as if it was her main feature. I'm glad there's more to appreciate about her.

But under no circumstances cheat.

Counselling to work it out, Open relationship, or end it.