Married but no affection or intimacy for years, is this sustainable

[BeFunOpalQuail]

No kissing, no cuddling, no hand holding, no I love you, no complments - unless I initiate them and are still turned down (I can’t hold your hand I’m holding a drink)

Married and love her 3 teenage kids. Remember her instigating a quickie 16 years ago and it still gives me a thrill to remember what it was like to be wanted. She said we didn’t have sex because I told her I loved her all of the time so I stopped which hurt and after a while she said it was because I was asking for sex all the time (maybe 1 everyb4-6 weeks) and even then it as because I was scared of rejection. We lived most of our lives on our own and we had endless opportunities not just for sex but for intimacy. I stopped asking but went. 14 months without her saying a word even though I reminded her at the 14 month point. I asked the other night if she wanted a hug and she said not particularly but I can tell you can so you can have one. I have suffered mental health problems for a long time but that wasn’t mentioned up until previously I also had an addiction to meds and from that point of view she’s been amazing. I am always telling her how hot she is and how beatiful and clever bounces off. My biggest turn on would be to know her biggest turn on an and then give her it but even when we’re doing things she never breathes or talks or squeezes me or give any feedback to let me know she’s enjoying it and just hits o time sometimes without warning. I want her so badly but plucked up coursge to ask for a kiss when I had been sat with my Arm around her having a few drinks and she gave me a peck on the lips. Later in the night I asked again and she said no because I had one already. No compliments, buy aftershave she likes and nothing, said she’s got a thing for men in suits but when I wear one I just look like mom going to work etcetcrtcetc burn she has done some amazing things to stand by me financially and to support my mental health but the above is a pretty good flavour

I'd sit her down and ask her where she sees this relationship going in five years. You sound miserable. Life is short. She won't change if you have been like this in the lenght of time to raise teens. I'd like to feel closer to dh but he is never complementary or affectionate unfortunately unless he is trying to get sex. Sounds like your the opposite. But tbh I'm not keen on having sex with someone who doesn't make me feel attractive or loved so I'm happy to live like it. I can't understand why you'd want to make yourself vulnerable like that but I'm not a man.

I presume she'd see it as being just the same in 5 years since they've already done 24 like it.

I know exactly what it feels like to love, crave, fancy the woman you are married to but to also feel like you’re on the outside looking in, it hurts and it definitely affects your mental health as time goes on, i do get occasional hand holds, the odd cuddle and she does say she loves me but i definitely don’t feel like she genuinely wants me.

Just really here to say you’re not alone mate but i don’t really have any answers, as i can’t see anything changing unless i leave, try making that decision when you adore someone! Would be easier if she said i hate you, don’t fancy you etc…it’s a head fuck.

You ask if it’s sustainable, well i would say no, but all relationships tend to eventually pass the lust and exploration phase so you could just end up in the same position in a few years time with someone different. I often wonder if you’re better off just having 3 year relationships then jumping ship, that way things don’t get too familiar.

I begged tr counselling 10 years ago and she eventually agreed but after 1 session. The counsellor and my wife both decided it was my fault!! She said she would never go back after that

I begged her to go ro counselling ten years ago and she started by saying that I had anxiety and counsellor said that she couldn’t go any further until I had seen a psychiatrist! I was already seeing a counsellor and on meds working hard with no absences but Tter that she wouldn’t go back and she certainly wouldn’t now - my fault for asking a stupid question in the first place I guess but however pathetic it sounds my future just feels lost without her even though she has said and done some very very cruel and hurtful things to me.

You've spent 24 years like this. Your choice is:

Stay and get what you always get.
Leave and get change.

This. No other answer I’m afraid. She’s not going to change. You can’t change her.

This exactly. Potentially she sees you as another kid, if you need similar coaching through life, emotional connection-regulation, organising etc. After your 20s, an attractive partner is one who is reasonably competent at life!!

Your best option is to work on yourself so that you can regulate your own emotions and to seek support for your mental health elsewhere so she has the option to return to the role of desiring partner (if that’s possible for her).

I spoke to her yesterday when we had a calm couple of hours. I told her that I felt insigbifixant, unseen, unattractive, undesirable etc and laid it all out. She said that she would take on board what I said and not much more - it was last chance saloon type chat that she instigated after more arguing the night before. She said she could never promise that affection would get any different because she is just not naturally affectionate so that won’t change no matter how much i told her that I needed it. I told her how absent I felt sexually and she said that nothing would improve on that front until we improve as a couple - I told her that it was too vague and I needed more clarity but ether was none. She told me what I needed to do to make myself more attractive which was to do more practical things to support her around the house etc. I don’t even know what I’m asking now TBH, feel more lost than when I started - I tried to get everything out yesterday and just wanted more in return after what I told her. Told her that I desire her still and fancy her so much but said I was only saying that because she’s my wife and that it ‘didn’t offend’ her when I said it but he didn’t really have an opinion. I don’t even know what I expect anyone to say other than the obvious - I’m desperate for it to work and it wasn’t all bad, she did tell me she loved me but when I asked her she said she couldn’t remember the last time she looked at me and found me attractive which is pretty heart breaking

I think it’s worth trying some of the things she’s suggested eg being more of an adult around the house, recognising what needs doing rather than waiting to be told. It can kill desire if you have to mother your husband - I have this issue too. She wants you to be equals then she will start seeing you that way.
i get why she said sex wouldn’t improve without the emotional connection improving first. That’s how women’s brains work.

also if you tried it for a day and no results by the end then that’s not long enough. It needs to be consistent years / months of you being and equal adult partner for the feelings to slowly come back. It won’t work in a day

Reddit DeadBedrooms will help you feel validated.

I can sense the desperation from your posts - might this be coming off in the way you are interacting with her? Maybe you do need to listen to her, it sounds like she’s lost the attraction for you because you aren’t doing enough practical things to support. Women who have a high mental load often lose their attraction or libido…

That was heartbreaking to read. You deserve so much more. That’s death by a thousand cuts. Honestly, leave! She has no intention of meeting you halfway here. She’s making ridiculous excuses to avoid affection and intimacy.