After 20 years together, is it wrong to want out now?

[Sugarplum5]

I've been with my partner for 20 years we have 4 children together eldest 18 youngest 5. He hasnt been very supportive over all this time, he is very selfish and leaves me to do pretty much all the housework and parenting etc, I've spoken to him about how I feel and 2 weeks ago I was adamant on ending it but he managed to twist my arm and say he will change he will get help for his issues etc. I said it was his last chance. He has been better and more mindful about things but tbh I just dont want this anymore. I want to be free and not have to think about having a man at home and his needs, mithering about tea or not being ready to go out on time because he moans at me, not worrying that the house isnt tidy. He isnt abusive but my nerves are constantly off by how he is and his ways and comments over the years. I want to meet someone and have a proper connection with them, laugh and be treated right, taken out and have excitement (eventually, not straightaway) I feel bad that hes trying and he doesnt want us to separate, but hes talking about planning next year's holiday when I told him 2 weeks ago I'd had enough. Hes not a terrible person but I feel he causes me alot of stress that I really dont want anymore. Thoughts?

I feel similar to this op

Just leave him. Whats the worst that can happen?

Whats the worst that will happen if you stay another 20 years?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Of course he does not want to separate from
you: in you he has a ready made children’s nanny
and housemaid while he otherwise swans around doing fa.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.
Are you named on any tenancy agreement or mortgage?. Do you work outside the home?.

What do you want to teach your d.c about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You can leave a relationship at any time and you only need to give your own self permission to do so. Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

.

You only get one life.

No need to be a martyr for the kids, they won’t thank you for that when they are grown. It’ll be a little turmoil whilst you get them settled into the new way of doing things but really if you approach it as calmly as possible around them they’ll be fine.

Go speak with a solicitor and look into the practicalities of things and if it seems do-able you can take it from there.

You are allowed to leave just because you want to. Your description of not wanting a man sounds lovely. You may or may not find someone better but if you think you would be happier alone then that is a good enough reason to go.

Do you own the house/have a job? If you're unmarried you need to get financial independence and your own property,and pension.

Sorry to hear this, i think its more common than we think, but a difficult situation to be in. Hopefully one day we will get what we want 💕

My circumstances are difficult, we live in social housing and I have very little family for support. If I came into money I certainly would leave

Unmarried, home is social housing and I work part time, I have a pension with my workplace

If you can afford to leave, do it!

I would go if I came into money, our home is social housing and I also have very little family to help.

Leave him.

i was with my ex 15 year, two young kids, I was actually preg with our second when I left him.

best decision I have ever made!!

he sounds very much like yours; didn’t do a thing. Couldn’t understand why I was stressed or tired.
the ‘change’ lasted a week and I just thought you know what, I’m done.
i wasn’t even in love with him anymore tbh. I was totally tapped out.

so whilst the house work parenting etc is still all down to me, it is much less stressful than asking someone for help and not getting it, if that makes sense.

it is scary, but there was an instant weight lifted.

I think I have done that for too long and finally had enough, late 30s and want to finally live my life. Dont get me wrong we have nice times as a family days out holidays etc but its everything else. We have a stressful life, no support around us, him not supporting me much. We are in social housing have been for 8 years, unmarried, I work part time. I worry I would be making the wrong decision but at the same time I know i would regret it if i got to 80 and never lived my life how I wanted it.

You are likely to keep the house. I would leave.

Yes I agree, when he went away for a stag do for a full weekend I felt a weight had lifted. I was more motivated and my head was clearer. I have asked him to leave he said he doesnt want to and has no where to go etc 🙄 I'm glad u did it and were happier for it 😊

If you are in social housing and unmarried is the house in just your name?

My husband has just told me he wants to leave me. I've done everything you listed for the 15 years we've been married and he gets to decide that he can just walk out on me! I'm so upset. Terribly sad as I'm still massively in love with him (even though he's a lazy a hole), angry that he's decided he wants out as Im dragging him down and annoyed at myself that I put up with it for so long. But I hate him right now. And he can shove his wish for happiness up his hole!!! If u feel you'll be better off, do it. Leave him. He doesn't appreciate you anyway.

@Sugarplum5
Im 60, a young 60 I like to think 🫣

One thing I've learned, and it's going to sound trite:

Life is short, you get one chance at it, make it count.

You really start to feel that statement is true as you get older, if anyone asks me what I'd do differently if I had my time again . . . . . I have a very long list!

You invested 20 yrs with no return, thats enough, don't waste another 20.

Late thirties, you have time to turn your life around and be happy.

Social housing, assuming both your names are on the tenancy?

Ring your estate manager and ask for some advice, can you have him removed from the tenancy, could you give up your tenancy on your current property and apply for a single tenancy?

If your DC live with you, this may help your case.

Not sure how it would work but I'd be surprised if they hadn't come across an issue like this before.

Maybe even contact Shelter or CAB for some advice.

❤️

Both names

Both names

Ahh sorry to hear that, I think from what you have said, in the long run he will of done you a favour, you also deserve someone who treats you right and appreciates you and I'm sure you will find that one day

You're probably right but I can't understand why he couldn't be that person and thinks he can for someone else. Makes me question my own self worth. I do hope it all works out for you.

Thank you. 60 is absolutely still young in this day and age, one of my friends is 60 and we go out in a group and shes like a spring chicken 😂 i think I just feel I am getting older as my eldest child is now an adult too and I'm nearing 40, that's how society has made us think. I certainly dont feel old or look old. I agree with all points you stated, I am just scared and worry about him aswell as I do care about his feelings

I'm sure his true colours will shine through with another partner eventually. You will get there, stay positive and strong

It’s definitely not wrong if you are unhappy.