After 20 years together, is it wrong to want out now?

[Sugarplum5]

I've been with my partner for 20 years we have 4 children together eldest 18 youngest 5. He hasnt been very supportive over all this time, he is very selfish and leaves me to do pretty much all the housework and parenting etc, I've spoken to him about how I feel and 2 weeks ago I was adamant on ending it but he managed to twist my arm and say he will change he will get help for his issues etc. I said it was his last chance. He has been better and more mindful about things but tbh I just dont want this anymore. I want to be free and not have to think about having a man at home and his needs, mithering about tea or not being ready to go out on time because he moans at me, not worrying that the house isnt tidy. He isnt abusive but my nerves are constantly off by how he is and his ways and comments over the years. I want to meet someone and have a proper connection with them, laugh and be treated right, taken out and have excitement (eventually, not straightaway) I feel bad that hes trying and he doesnt want us to separate, but hes talking about planning next year's holiday when I told him 2 weeks ago I'd had enough. Hes not a terrible person but I feel he causes me alot of stress that I really dont want anymore. Thoughts?

Well best of luck to him. I can't say im sorry I stayed with him as I have most wonderful children. But jesus...someone should have shook me when I was 21!! Hope all goes well for u too.

My ijy jyjyky I m

Is there a way to become happy while still in your marriage? The grass is not always greener, just because you are single doesn’t mean you’ll meet someone, even less that you’ll meet someone and have a great connection.

Not many romantic-minded, sensitive men willing to do the housework are looking for a life partner with four children, let’s be honest. You’ll be alone with 4 kids a lot of the time which is a sh*t load of work.

Can you not tell him what you need and work on that together? Also what is your job - you may be needing to get a better one if you’re planning to split the household in two?

Why not go away for a couple of weeks and have a rest, the break may also help crystallise your thoughts. It sounds like you are just tired of housework which is not surprising with such a big family. Maybe a cleaner would help, even once a fortnight?

Last year i left my husband after 26 years together. Similar situation to you in that i did everything and he never stepped up. We were renting tho. I dont have much family either but his parents stepping in to support me and the kids was amazing.

now im in my own place with the kids, peaceful and happy!

it might seem impossible op, but honestly, start getting your ducks in a row behind the scenes and see what can be done. Lifes too short to be miserable

It’s never wrong or too late if you aren’t happy.

I'm sorry that he causes you a lot of stress. You shouldn’t have to go through that, but my immediate thoughts went to your children.

Unless he's causing them regular stress too, please think of your 18 year old. SO many parents seem to wait until their eldest is 18 and close to going to university to split up, thinking that they won't notice as much, now that they're more independent and busy living away and in their new life.

However, that is one of the worst times for people to split, in my view. When kids start uni, they need to feel like they have a stable, comforting boring home-base to go back to. It can be really stressful, destabilising and anxious time for them to think about everything that's going on at home and wondering where they'll now live or spend birthdays and Christmases with.

Minasama
I came to the same conclusion as what you have posted. 3 dc of varying ages. Absolutely not happy with my husband for all sorts of reasons and feel lonely living with him.
I could leave financially and buy a home and live but there are factors keeping me here. I don't want to be a part-time mum, I want to keep us under the same roof (youngest dc still at primary school). I don't have any extended family and what little I have live abroad. On top of this I am facing some kind of burnout. Managing the household and dc and life admin and everything else would be a lot for me especially in light of my health issues. My husband helps in respect to maintaining the house and also looks after dc so that I can have some kind of social life.
I've decided to stick it out. I have a couple of close friends outside the home who I hang out with and have some kind of social life with. Comfortable life and more income under one roof especially with the ever escalating cost of living. My husband is not pleasant but I have learnt to handle it and take the benefits of the situation. If money was no object I would have a live in housekeeper/companion instead but I'm not in this position. It's not always easy to leave. I would love to have a growing old person to enjoy retirement with. I've not given up on that happening eventually.

Could’ve written this myself.
ive left and bought a flat for myself and DC.
can’t wait.
Will never accept this again and pussy foot around a man’s mood.
cant wait to experience love and passion and genuine connect again in the future. I hope.

I totally agree with what you've said and I try to tell myself this, I may not find anyone and I may regret it. Even though he is selfish and grumpy, harsh on the elder children he is also very sensitive and I worry about him. He doesnt want us to break out family up he believes of people have children then they should raise them together not just split up. But I've felt a constant push for a while now to finish it. I want a peaceful mind and to be able to do what I want. I suggested a break to him last year and he said it would be a good idea but it didnt happen and I think thats whats pushed me further away. I think it would of done us good. My job pays well, I could start doing nights or extra shifts for more money if need be.

That great that you managed to do it. How did he take it? Was he aware you wernt happy, did he try to change etc? I worry about him, I can see now hes desperate not to lose us

Thats great that you've done it. Glad to hear you are happy and at peace too

I was in a similar situation to you, OP, many years ago. It's all very well PP saying 'leave' but where are you supposed to go and how are you supposed to fund a single life with kids on a PT wage. I chose to play the long game. I studied to become an account and managed eventually to earn enough to not have to rely on ex. All the while he was saying 'I hope you fail" - charmer.

Once you're earning enough to be self-sufficient, it's amazing how the dynamics of the relationship change. It still took some years but eventually I got him to leave. Seeing the back of him felt wonderful. He too was 'sensitive' - yeah, but at everyone else's expense.

My first step if I were you is to either go FT at work or find a course to start in September.

Hang on, sorry, I don't think you're working right now. Ok, you could still find a course. See what you might be entitled to with childcare while you're in lectures.

I was with someone for 25 years, broke up with him, my youngest was 16. Best thing I did after years of thinking about it. My kids told me later they knew things weren’t right even though I tried to make them think otherwise. Follow your gut instinct but spend some time alone before you jump into another relationship. This way you can work out what you really need and want in someone. It sounds like your partner needs you for the practical things but it will be difficult for him to change enough to make you want to stay with him.

If you wish to separate and the only thing stopping you is money, then I would separate. You can separate whilst still living in the same home in the short term. This might make it clear to him he has to go but probably not. I would then approach your social LL, explain the relationship has broken down so you have nowhere to sleep and are sleeping on the sofa (assume you have no spare room). Ask if the tenancy can be reassigned to just you (they probably won’t agree though). So then use their homelessness process ( again might be rejected as you are ‘housed’). Worst case, try to move in with family and friends for the short term, with your youngest children who need daily care, and give notice on the tenancy on the basis you are no longer living there. This will end the tenancy for both of you. Then, again, use the council homelessness process on the basis you were forced to leave your home due to relationship breakdown so are not intentionally homeless. Request housing for all your children including the ones still in the home with your partner. Fingers crossed you and your children would be assigned the home you previously lived in as a sole tenancy.

He was upset of course - he was losing his full time worker, his fabulous family man image and his maid shopping, cooking, cleaning and dealing with everything. Its only now looking back i realise how much he took advantage of me! Im so proud of myself for getting out. Only now im turning the corner from surviving to living again. Its been bloody hard but worth it. Hes bound to be upset but you cant live like this.

Given your both tenents on the house your in, can you talk to the council for advice on how to do this? They must face this often. If your keeping the kids then i imagine they will say you stay. Could he rent a place?

@AttilaTheMeerkat "You can leave a relationship at any time and you only need to give your own self permission to do so. Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm."

This ^

So pleased for you. We dont deserve to be treat like that. He said he cant afford to rent anywhere. Said before that he will get a van and live in that 🤦‍♀️ but he has 2 dogs he would need to take as i wouldnt keep them, he got one without asking me and left early to travel to get it when I was getting up for a shift. One of my children had to stay off school to have my little boy that day! I was so angry

I think my eldest would be relieved to be honest

He is absolutely desperate not to lose us. We have had a conversation tonight, I feel terrible for him I really do. I try and list the problems but he thinks the main problem is because I was unfaithful years ago and he cant get past it. Its not, the problem is he is selfish and mainly thinks about himself and leaves me to do everything. Why has it taken it to me wanting to separate for him to really try and change my mind. I do worry I will regret it. I am so confused

My ex was the same twelve years prior to me finally breaking up with him. Tears and talking me into staying, which I did but the kids would have been younger and, therefore in my opinion more adaptable to our situation. Even when they were older they were very upset and I’m still feeling the repercussions from the youngest who is now in their early twenties, who holds me responsible. Maybe you could let things settle for a while to see if he really can change but if the feelings keep returning of wanting to leave him then your gut is probably telling you something. Good luck.

I ended a 20 yr relationship but the house was mine so he had to leave.
We have 4dc, the younger dc have SEND.

There were multiple issues but ultimately I got to the point of not being able to bare the idea of spending the rest of my life with him.

You mentioned a few times about meeting someone else. The reality as a SP of 4, you don't have many choices.
The dating scene is bleak!!

So if your leaving, anticipate being on your own.
Do you have family/friends for support?

Possibly more hours at work or a new job?

Leave by all means but its hard, really hard.

Remember, the grass isn't always greener...

This is how I'm starting to feel, I do not want to get to 70/80 years old full of regret and wonder. Yes the thought of meeting someone new or dates, having a laugh sounds nice as I've never done it, me and OH have been together since we were 16 but I think I would also be happy alone, at peace and less stressful, with my children, 2 of them are older so more like adult company anyway. Third child is 12. So not all little. It is a risk