How can I encourage my ex to spend time with our son?

[LovingBlueDog]

Just after some advice
my sons dad and I split up over a year ago and he moved out.
he never really bothered with his son when he lived here but it’s worse now that’s he’s moved out. Yes I’m texting him asking him to see his child (aged 12) but he responds with “oh if I get time” but has time to meet random woman.
i know he has had a few relationships since we broke up which is fine as I’m in a relationship too— however he introduced our son to 3 of these ladies — none of whom he’s with now, and then went ballistic when I said I had my boyfriend over (we’ve been together 6 months and he’s only just met my son)

I really want him to see his child and have some sort of relationship with him and I know my son wants that too as he’s told me.

Don't.

Just drop the rope. He's a shit father, and it sounds like he always was. It is not your job to encourage him to be better, and you are just setting up your son for more disappointment when he is let down again.

Stop contacting your ex. He can get in touch if he wishes to, but don't do a single thing to try and 'encourage' him. It will not work, is a waste of your time, energy and emotions.

Focus on your son and make it clear to him that 'it's a pity, but Dad knows where you are if he wants to see you. You and I know you are fab, and he's sadly choosing to miss out'.

You can't force him and it will hurt your son to hear and feel the rejection. Let it go.

That's so sad. Unfortunately, I don't think there's actually anything you can really do. In much the same way as you cannot force an a~~ehole to be an elbow, you cannot force a c~ckwomble to be a decent human being.

I would stop texting him. He clearly doesn't care and his response texts are only serving to frustrate and distress you further. Concentrate on being the best mum you can be to your DS - which I'm sure you already are.

Sadly, he will never be the decent human father you hoped he would be. I'm so sorry for your DS. He could try writing to him, to say how much he loves him, but I am sad to say that his hopes will probably be disappointed, and you will be picking up the pieces.

I'm so sorry - I hope better times lie ahead for you and your DS. Please reassure him all the time that this is not his fault (I'm sure you're already doing that too). x

You can't make him a good or interested father. It's a waste of your energy and will set your son up for more disappointment and rejection.

What other male role models does your son have in his life? Any uncles or grandads?

Don’t waste your breath. How do you imagine your ds feels, that your ex so blatantly doesn’t give a toss. He’ll just let him down and make the poor child feel worse.

I’d put your efforts in to finding your ds a structured activity that provides positive role models, perhaps karate or jujitsu.
It will help also with his confidence.

Do you have brothers or older nephews? Can your ds also spend time with them?

Why would you want your son to have a relationship with a total jerk?

He sounds like a terrible role model and a disinterested dad.

It’s not healthy to teach kids that we should run after people like that. Because then we end up running after people like that our whole life.

”I’m sorry your dad’s a bit of a fud, kiddo. I can’t promise he will make the effort becuase frankly it seems unlikely. But just know I’m here if you ever need to talk”.

Being his dad means sod all if he’s a nasty piece of work and a deadbeat dad. The best thing he could do is stay out of your kids life.

Just let your boy know you love him and it’s not our job to chase people who only care about themselves, only to learn who we want to be as we grow and choose, consciously to not be like those who have hurt us.

And that it’s ok to be angry. But not to let it change us into bitter people. That we cannot control what other people do but we can learn from it so that we don’t make their mistakes.

Dont make children be around adults who don’t want to be around them. He’s an adult, he knows he has a child. The reason he is not pulling his weight is not because he is forgetful, it’s because he does not care. Luckily for you and your child there are adults around who you can build relationships warm loving relationships with. You don’t need to feel you’re missing out. The love you are wanting for your family is out there.

You can't force him to be a good dad when he's a selfish shit. Stop messaging him and concentrate on making you and your son's life wonderful.

Thank you. It is sad and my DS knows how much o love him and he knows who’s there for him and who isn’t.

Bless you. As awful as the situation is for your DS, he is very lucky to have you as his mum. x 💐

He doesn’t see his uncle as he lives so far away but spends loads of time with my parents. My dad always makes him feel special and appreciated even though his eyesight is t what it used to be they will talk about football etc. not even his uncles on his dads side bother with him. It just makes me so mad but he is close to my sister and neices too.

Thank you. He is close to my parents and my sister and her children. I do so much with him and I’m so thankful to be his mum. He knows I love him and he’s even told me himself I’m the best mum.

Thank you. My son knows how much I love him and he is close to my parents and my sister and her kids. He’s told me more than once he loves me and I’m the best mum and I try to create so many happy memories with him.

You can't, so don't bother trying.

Calm down the trying too hard having lots of people to make him feel special. although it’s good he does have close family who care. And totally agree with others, why on earth are you pushing for a relationship with a man that will only hurt him and let him down.

the boy is 12, family is important but how about also looking at sports and interests that will engage him and make his world a bit bigger?

Just let your boy know you love him and it’s not our job to chase people who only care about themselves, only to learn who we want to be as we grow and choose, consciously to not be like those who have hurt us.
And that it’s ok to be angry. But not to let it change us into bitter people. That we cannot control what other people do but we can learn from it so that we don’t make their mistakes.

This is such good advice.

You can't change him. You can't make him care about his son.

Your son wants to see him, but he can't be bothered. That's the reality of it and you have to accept that. It sounds like your son has a good relationship with his grandparents and aunt and cousins. Encourage those. Encourage activities and friendships outside your family too.

But you need to be aware that that reality of his dad not really caring for him will always be a bit of a wound for your son. He will have complicated and conflicting feelings about his dad.

You cannot. Stop trying.
Ds can have his own pho e dad can text him or not .
Just make sure ds has a full life following his ds interests
And a narrative "i see my dad ocasionally" and that is fine.

You can’t make him.

I would argue that you asking him is going to make it less likely to happen because you’re his ex and he doesn’t want to do something for someone who he isn’t shagging.

Let it go and be ready for the day when ds decides to emotionally detach from his dad too.

My DS has a phone and has his dads number but he never answers when DS calls or texts 🤬

Yes he is close my my dad as my brother lives so far away. He enjoys talking g to my dad about football and his cooking (my son is learning to cook)

It's shit for your son. He's a bad father.

Ultimately he'll be the one losing out, but he's too much of a self-absorbed fuckwit to realise what he's missing out on with your son.

Don't pursue the guy and try to manage your son's expectations gently if he's trying to contact him.

He does water sports

You can't change this so please stop worrying about it. Seriously. The kid is better off. He has his lovely mammy.

Did he want a child in the first place?
Ask him how he'd like it if his dad had never bothered with him.