Anyone decided to be more authentic in their relationships and what effect did it have?

[malificent7]

Bear with me.
Dh is a lovely man but we have some issues. When I first met him I tried to please him as we were head over heels which meant I wasn't always true to myself.
For example..he has a hobby he is very intense about ( i suspect asd). I used to try it but it didn't grab me really and I started to feel resentful about the amount of time he spent doing it, worries about being compatible and him meeting other women through said hobby. I also felt he was prioritising the hobby over family life which thankfully i no longer feel due to councelling.
I acknowlwdge this was my insecurity as he used to do said hobby with ex.
Since councelling I have decided I will not participate in said hobby ...i will pursue my own intetests while he is busy with that.
I am polite and do not slag his hobby off even though it's not my thing and I find some of the people involved hard work/ bitchy/ not my kind of people. I gave also met some lovely people through this passtime.
On one hand I feel liberated and happier...i encourage him to go and do it so i get my own time.
In other ways I feel worried that we will grow apart and that he has more in common with his ex than me.
I want to support him even though the hobby is not my thing at all. Part of me feels I am being stubborn in not embracing this hobby.
Fwiw he does support my hobies too although
Am i making sense?

This is all over a hobby?

What are you suggesting by being
More authentic? I can’t really see what?

That was just word salad, with the primary ingredient being ‘hobby’. I don’t really understand what you’re sayIng.

Being more authentic- you mean spending your time doing things you enjoy rather than things you don’t enjoy, even if it means you have different hobbies from your OH?

That seems common sense and I think most people already do this if they are in a healthy relationship.

Yes! My DH has a hobby. When we met over 10 years ago, I went along and joined in more than I do now. Also resent on and off how his hobby is often prioritised over other things. HOWEVER it is a hobby that keeps him fit, and I’m very independent. So I like to do my own thing. I’m now in my fifties and it’s so liberating to focus more on what I want to do. He is totally addicted to his hobby. I can’t spend my life joining in his hobby in case we grow apart because of it. Two people make a relationahip work. I’ve decided if we end up with separate lives due to less quality time together, well he will equally own the marriage demise right. Now the children are older, I’ve started being more selfish like most men are. I do days out and things I want to do and put myself and my own interests first. DH wouldn’t sacrifice his hobby and worry about losing me as a result, so I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. Being your authentic self in later life feels good. Highly recommend. Stuff the DH is my mantra now.

Oh @malificent7 i thought it might be you. You have posted so so many times about your husband and his hobby of
Morris dancing and also how you want hobbies. For years.

Just take the plunge and take up a class!!

Yes, don’t spend your free time on a hobby you aren’t interested in. Invest it in something that interests you.

Ok...so im not making sense. Let me simplify.
I used to pretend to like his hobby to be closer to him when young... Now I have decided not to pretend to like it and no longer pursue it.
On one hand I feel free...on the other hand I worry we will drift as we will not see each other as much. Is this problematic for our relationship?

All this over a hobby? Yes...in the past it used to consume him but now the balance is better.

If you lot still dont get it I will assume I am being unreasonable and get my ( summer) coat!

Does he give a flying fig whether you’re interested in his hobby or not? No

So don’t fake it. Just get your own. Like you have been wanting to for ages!

I'm taking up classes and loving it!

It’s fine. It’s an adjustment. You’ll find you natural rhythm might not look like you expected or what other people have. You become quite self sufficient.

It’s up to you both, then, to decide whether to carry on as you are or to prioritise some together time.

Whatever, the relationship is doomed if you carry on resenting his self sufficiency. You need to develop and explore your own.

Hellowbellow....so glad you get it and I love your mantra!

In what?

I don’t see what’s more “authentic” about tolerating a situation you don’t like (sometimes) and pretending you don’t care

DH wouldn’t sacrifice his hobby and worry about losing me as a result, so I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

Seriously?

@malificent7 This makes sense to me, even though other posters seem a bit bewildered by it. It's about more than just the 'hobby'. It can be quite difficult for some people to show their true selves in close relationships. I'm planning on doing more of that quite soon and I'm not expecting it to be easy.

Pleasing another person is, in the short term, 'easy', but not always healthy.

Why always the mystery over the hobbies on here?

I think a lot of girls do this when young, trying to pretend to be interested and involved in a boy's hobby in order to get their attention. I have a friend who had to spend twenty years pretending to really like trains, because she used her 'interest' in trains to get closer to the boy she liked - who then married her.

The best bet is to be 'authentic' right from the off. 'You do you, it's great that you love (hobby), but it's not for me', and if he goes off you after that, well it's probably for the best in the end.

What is this hobby? If it’s one hour a week playing chess or something that doesn’t really impact on your lives then that’s fine but if it’s something like hiking or cycling which people seem to make their whole personalities / lives about you might find you do drift apart a bit because those kinds of hobbies seem to be a whole lifestyle- but you shouldn’t do it if you don’t want to. There’s no amount of pleading or paying that could get me on a hike or bike for example.

It’s Morris dancing

I think it's silly to pretend an interest in a hobby that you're not interested in but do understand that some people do that in the early stages of a relationship but then find it difficult to step back when the relationship gets serious.

But there does seem a lot of unnecessary angst over the situation. Surely all that's needed is a little white lie that you used to love the hobby but have lost interest and want to try something new.

Lots of couples have different hobbies/interests. It's perfectly normal.

Well i guess regarding hobby mystery some of us like a little bit of anonymity and dont want to out ourselves even though we normally get outed a bit on here anyway!
And yes some of these hobbies are niche and a bit outing. But I guess I chose to post online.
I guess it just feels a bit strange just to finally be myself more...sad but true...and it helps to air my feelings online.

I cannot imaging going along with the trains thing tbh! I love to try new things a go...sometimes they grab me...sometimes not.
Sometimes they grab me for a bit then they become too demanding/ expensive/ annoying/ boring!

I love a good hike and im planning a big one in a few years time.....I will become THAT person!

it is Morris dancing!! You have confirmed as such loads of times on All your other posts and threads about - hobbies!!

Unless the hobby is swinging, you’re putting too much importance on having different interests.

maybe concentrate on your own individual interests in addition to something you enjoy doing together. If you are worried about other women and not being prioritised you either need to work on your own self esteem or you both need to work on how valued you feel in your marriage.