Trying to move on after my wife's affair with a colleague

[Ineos]

ive been in a relationship for 22 years, married for 14. I found out that my DW had been having an affair with a work colleague in January of this year, which ultimately upended my world. I had absolutely no idea what so ever.
we agreed to try again but I can’t seem to get over it.
I went to drop some keys off last week at her work and found them laughing and joking together, I think, I was understandably upset but apparently they work together so I just have to sort myself out and get over it.
Am I being totally unreasonable? The thought that my relationship is over is devastating.

Had you let her know you were on your way to her workplace or turned up unannounced?

If she wants to save the marriage she needs to move jobs. It may not be what she wants career wise but if she won’t recognise and do that then she’s probably happy to keep it going on.

You’ll get over it when you get out of it.

Not getting the point of the question

Oh it’s relevant

think about it for a minute

If unannounced… the Op clearly is trying to catch his wife out. It’s dead in the water

If announced, then fact the wife didn’t feel the need to hide from having a chat with him would indicate that it might really be over . Although rather thoughtless of her! Or perhaps she wanted to be caught having a laugh with him, because she wants the op to finish it.

Me neither.

I have explained

just think about it for a second

If she’s serious about making her marriage work then she needs to change jobs. Are you 100% sure she ended it? If she doesn’t move jobs I would end the marriage otherwise it’s too much torture for you (and too much temptation for her if she did end it). I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.
Walk away and build a new life with someone who values you.

Why is she still working there? Moving on from an affair will be incredibly difficult if she is still working with the AP.

You can't be expected to move on whilst she still works wih him. Her changing jobs should have been a condition of continuing your marriage and I'd question how serious she us about making it work. I'd reconsider leaving.

I don’t know how you can be expected to get over it. I know I wouldn’t.

They even still work together! I would probably separate. Good luck.

The only way a marriage can survive infidelity is when the guilty partner fully accepts that they've done wrong and makes changes to rebuilt trust and restore their spouse's sense of safety.

The first step is to cut off all contact with their affair partner. If that means they have to leave their job, so be it. That's a consequence they've brought upon themselves. If they won't do this then they're not serious about saving the relationship.

You cannot get over the affair while she's still in contact with him. You can heal if she's ripping the scab off on a daily basis.

@Ineos Whether it is over or not, seeing them joking and laughing is going to be hurtful for you.

Did your wife want to give it another go or did she agree to because you wanted it?

You have to be honest with yourself, you are finding it hard to move on. Are you able to? Is the affair over? Does your DW expect you to just move on get over it or is she able to understand your pain?

This is horrible, im sorry she has done this. She needs to move jobs if shes wants to make it work, however im wondering how you would ever trust her. Have you considered couples therapy?

Never mind whether OP is ‘trying to catch his wife out’, what is she doing laughing and joking with the OM?! That suggests strongly the affair is ongoing.

If you have finished with someone recently, how easy is it to joke around together?

I agree with the majority. She needs to be actively showing you the affair is fully over and be clearly looking for a new job.

Otherwise it really is dead in the water.

Your wife is appalling. She clearly feels no remorse for the affair, doesn't feel like she needs to go out of her way to regain yourvtrust, and actually thinks you're the problem here, not her. In the bin with her. She's trash.

If you both want this to work, she needs to change jobs. She needs to commit to working with you to sort the issues in your relationship. If she’s not willing to do that, you really are better cutting your losses now op. I’m really sorry you are going through this.

It doesn't sound like your wife is very sorry for all the pain and hurt she has caused you. I don't think you can just 'get over' a betrayal, it takes work especially from the guilty party to win back your trust and make amends. She's not doing that, it sounds like she doesn't care. Think carefully about whether you want to stay with someone with so little regard for your feelings.

You can't live like this OP. If she really wants to save the marriage then she needs to find a new job. If she doesn't want to then just end it or you're just going to be living in misery knowing they're laughing behind your back (or even right in front of it).

What a nasty shock for you.

I am reconciled and there is another thread on here where the betrayed is desperately trying to reconcile while the cheat is maintaining contact. I will repeat everything I’ve said there.

Your wife is not remorseful and you cannot reconcile with an unremorseful cheat,

There should be ZERO contact with the affair partner. IMHO if there is contact it falls under three scenarios.

1. the affair is ongoing
2. the cheat is playing a dangerous game to maintain their sense of self, as a good person who was caught up in a love story out of their control, and they’re sacrificing true love for responsibility (this is all nonsense but absolutely classic)
3. they just don’t care about how hurt and traumatised you are by the affair

Any of these are not safe thought patterns in the cheat for reconciliation and all leave you unsafe.

Surviving infidelity has a reconciliation forum which could be really helpful to you. There are posters on there that REALLY get what you are going through and without them I would not be successfully reconciled myself. The book ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ Shirley glass is a good read for you to set your own boundaries and understand her thinking. Another useful resource is anything chumplady… this website really sets out cheater mindset, removes any of her romanticism and deals with the flaws cheaters present. Useful to stop blaming yourself or the relationship and start apportioning your blame in the right areas.

I am sorry, I can absolutely understand how devastating that was for you.

I would divorce her.

Post this at https://survivinginfidelity.com/.

Not in the reconciliation forum though. You're nowhere near that stage yet.

I second SurvivingInfidelity. It's pro-reconciliation but no-nonsense also. There are many men there who know exactly what you're feeling right now. They - and the women - can give you good advice.

And check out ChumpLady, she tells it as it is.

Your wife is not remorseful, and she has either not ended the affair or it will restart. You are in a false reconciliation, which betrayed spouses often say is worse and more painful and destructive than the discovery of the affair itself.

I feel for you, but you've got to act to protect yourself from this lying cheater.