What am I doing wrong?

[mama913]

Am I doing something wrong, or is my marriage simply over? I feel unbearably lonely
I’m lonely. Not just a bit fed up or in need of more friends — the kind of lonely that hurts right to my core.
I’m married and have a six-year-old child, yet I have never felt more isolated. I work six days a week, then come home to chaos and the same monotonous routine of cooking, cleaning, washing and sleeping.
I’ve been married for eight years, but since I was pregnant, my husband has seemed more interested in watching ph than spending any time or being intimate with me. I have raised it with him several times, but nothing has changed.(adult sites have always been a hidden pleasure of my DH’s but it suddenly just took over) I have now been sleeping in the spare room for over two years.
We don’t talk about our relationship, love, intimacy or emotions. Whenever I try, he avoids the conversation or shuts it down. There is no affection at all — no cuddles, tenderness, reassurance or warmth.
I’m a very passionate and loving person. When I love somebody, I give them everything I have. All I want in return is to feel loved and cared for, but I don’t get that from him at all.
I’m genuinely very ‘low maintenance’. I don’t ask for gifts, expensive dates or grand gestures. That almost makes it more painful, because I feel as though I’m asking for the most basic thing possible: love and affection from my husband.
I know people will probably ask why I haven’t left. The truth is that we have a six-year-old and there are currently too many practical, financial and emotional ties for me to feel able to divorce right now. But I also can’t believe this is supposed to be my life forever. Life cannot possibly be this sad.
I suppose I’m posting because I need some outside perspective. Am I expecting too much? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Has anyone lived like this and managed to change things, or do I need to accept that the marriage is already over even if we are still living under the same roof? I’m 34 btw and he’s 44.

This is not a marriage.

Do not continue to show your child such damaging lessons about relationships. Staying for their supposed sake is a mistake. Be brave here and babe the break sooner rather than later.

I know people will probably ask why I haven’t left. The truth is that we have a six-year-old and there are currently too many practical, financial and emotional ties for me to feel able to divorce right now.

what ‘practical, financial and emotional ties’ are worth it for this utterly miserable life for all 3 of you you’re currently living?

I’m 34 btw and he’s 44. I know it’s too late for you now, but for anyone reading, I’d say a 10 year age gap when the younger is a woman early twenties (?) and the decade older man is also in to porn (always young beautiful women isn’t it?) , it’s never going to age well.

We have opened a new business just over a year ago, poured all of our savings into it and borrowed additional funds to make it work. Until it’s at a point where everything is paid back a formal and legal separation would be financial destruction for both of us and I really don’t want to cause financial stress to our son on top of having to then deal with his parents splitting if/when it comes to that.

I know what you mean about the 10 year gap. I naively didn’t think it would be ‘like that’.

Why are you asking yourself what you are doing wrong? Why have you made that assumption?

So is there no way you could carry on being business partners but split on a personal level?

Because that’s the only logical explanation I can think of, why else would someone toss aside a loving wife prepared to fulfil any desires of said man unless she’s doing something wrong? I think in my mind I’ve covered all other reasons ☹️

Not until finances are sorted, and that will take at least another year- certainly with the current market.

It happens. It doesn’t have to be an older man. It doesn't need to involve adult sites. Sometimes, people slowly check out of a marriage by shutting down from their husband/wife.

It's not your fault - it’s about how he feels.

It’s not you, it’s him. He’s a porn hound and is at fault here. Such men often have huge problems with intimacy unsurprisingly.

Is this business currently breaking even or is it losing money?. If the latter I would look into extricating myself from it now before more money is lost.

Have you recently spoken to your accountant?. Are you certain a legal separation would lead to financial destruction for both of you?. No practical and financial ties you have currently are worth staying in such an awful sounding marriage.

Do you have much support from parents/friends?.

You have a choice re him and your child does not. Think about what you want to teach your child about relationships and what he or she is learning here from you two. He or she certainly notices you both sleep in different rooms along with your overall lack of affection towards each other. He or she is picking up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken between you two.

It's not you it's him
He is a porn addict. He is no longer capable of a proper relationship in real life.
@AttilaTheMeerkat has posted some wise words.

The business is on the verge of breaking even. I put my heart and soul into it, and that’s where I work 6 days every week.

our day to day life is amicable and calm, from what I can tell, our son doesn’t think anything of it. We’re like two housemates.

Me sleeping in a separate room started with a broken arm and wrist and I soon realised I feel more inner peace there so never moved back in to the marital room.

what’s worse is that when we’re out as a family, he will totally behave like this loving, caring husband in front of all of his friends and family.

My family live a few thousand miles away, so that’s a no go. In fact, not even my best friend knows about what’s going on, this is the only place and the first time I’ve put my situation and feelings out in the open, mostly out of sheer emotional exhaustion.

Sorry OP….hes checked out, you cant work things out alone, if he doesnt want to work on it then theres not much you can do…..but would you really want to?
maybe put a 12 month plan in place, start by emotionally disconnecting, get your ducks in a row, rebuild your self, find yourself again….your too young to live this like, you deserve happiness.

You have taken a small but important step in writing about this on here: an action to be commended. Keep going, keep up with the baby steps to get out of this awful sounding marriage you are in. Please talk to your friend and open up to her a bit. If you cannot face doing that talk to Women’s Aid. Keep
posting on your thread too. You need a safe outlet.

This is no legacy to leave your child: currently he is seeing an emotionally distant father and a very preoccupied mother. It may be amicable and calm on the surface but there are undercurrents of anger and resentment. Of course he is quite plausible to those in the outside world, these types often are so that does not surprise me.

Talk to your accountant about all aspects of this business and see if you a buy out your husband’s share of it. Are future financial projections for profit realistic? . You will also certainly need legal advice.

Neither of you are happy and your son will pick up on your unhappiness as a couple even if he is not doing that already . But he is picking up on all that goes on around him; he’s a sponge and both of you are providing the blueprint for his adult relationships. He sees your reactions both spoken and unspoken to each other. You would not want him to have such a marriage and you would want better for him. You are deserving of far better too.

Stop assuming it's your fault. That's nonsense. Shit happens. He has checked out and no longer loves you. You are lucky compared to most because you are already sleeping separately. You have a year to get a plan together so use it wisely. Start by taking legal advice.

I am sorry to sound unsympathetic but I think you need to own your own decisions. Your first post gave no reasons at all not to separate/divorce - but then you say you have both invested heavily in a business fairly recently, so are tied together by finances. That was a decision you made, which now prevents you from leaving. I know it's hard, we all made unwise decisions but we have to accept the consequences.

Thank you, I wasn’t asking for sympathy. I was asking if anyone in a similar situation has managed to find a good way to deal with the emotional damage. Or if this is normal at this stage with this age gap.
I fully own my mistake of opening a business with him, but it’s not something I can take back. The goal now is to get to a position we can pay back our borrowing and for one of us to afford to buy the other out.

please note I haven’t raised the thought of separation with my DH, as mentioned this thread is the first time I opened up to anyone about how I’ve been feeling lately.

So for someone who has poured so much into a business where I am sure you have to take the lead at times and make decisions and be responsible, why on earth would you feel you have done something wrong here?
I would bet my house on the realities of having a young and baby aren’t for him.
And if he’s watching that much porn, his brain is no longer computing real feelings or desires. It is not even personal to you, he’s just in a place where he’d rather watch trafficked/damaged/addicted young girls and women being treated, at best, like pieces of meat. At worst, I won’t even go there.
Your instinct to stay in the other room as your choice is interesting - your body told you to stay away. Listen to it.
Playing the doting dad is standard and yet awful.
So what can you do? If you are roommates, then frame that in your mind. He’s not your friend and don’t treat him like one. If you can’t leave right now, then prepare for when you can.
You need to accept that your marriage is over but you are still so young. Keep working hard and being a great mum and I know it is tough but the man you married no longer exists.
The age gap sometimes doesn’t matter but I think here it does as you have much more time on your hands. At 44, he’s on the road to being a sad, porn-addled, creepy man of 50.
I also think you need support. Tell your friend. Speak to your family - you don’t have to mention his horrible ‘hobby’ but you can tell them he’s unsupported and checked out.
If you are on Instagram there is a fabulous woman called Rachel Starting Over, she’s 40. She wasn’t married but had just had enough of her partner but he wouldn’t go. So they had to live together for a year. She’s free now but she has charted her journey on there with lots of advice.
You are a really bright young woman and it’s time to start mapping your future. Don’t even tell him, it’s none of his business now.
Sorry for what you are going through. Use all the skills you clearly have to build a new life.
You and your child deserve better.

You’re not doing anything wrong, you are with the wrong partner. You can figure out the financial and it’s practical issues- there’s never a ‘good’ time to separate, but there are very bad times to stay together.

I think what you're doing wrong is raising your relationship problems with your husband, then nothing changes and the relationship continues as before.

Rinse and repeat

Therefore you're giving him the green light to continue with what he's doing now. And he does just that

It's not difficult to see that from his pov he's doing what he wants , no problem at all

If you're right and you can't divorce atm because of finances , there's no point raising problems with him until you can say : if x y and z don't change, if we don't go to couples counselling and sort this marriage out - then I'm divorcing you

Until you can raise the marriage issues and mean it, you're just enabling your husband to do what he wants

I am sorry you are in this dreadful situation.

There will be a way out and the first step is accepting that you need to begin making plans for an end to the marriage. It will not be easy with all the financial entanglements. But taking the step of accepting that this is where you are aiming will help to focus your mind - it will become the background noise to your life and as such ways forward will start to present themselves.

Your son will be picking up an example of a relationship that will not serve him well for the future.

I know you have raised it with him on several occasions to no avail; but you need to do so again with a new hat on. Spell out to him:

• I am unhappy - I need a proper caring partner and you are not it
• Your porn addiction, rather than being prepared to have a proper relationship with a real live woman, is not something I wish to live with
• Our son will be picking up a bad example of relationships that will not help him in the future
• I am not prepared to let this continue any more so we need to make plans for the future
• I know that the business complicates things but we need to be thinking about how we might move forward
• You need to start to think in a new way now knowing that we will not be together long term

Do not let him put you down and say you are talking nonsense - if he implies or says this, then simply tell him: "You do not have to understand my reasons, you simply have to take on board that this is where I stand and this is the basis for our future decisions."

I was brought up in a family where the facade was wonderful, but the reality was very different. It is not without consequences for a child.

It is not your fault - you are not doing anything wrong - you are simply married to a man who is not capable of proper mature relationships and can only relate to women onscreen.

How are you doing @mama913

I’m ok, thanks.

I think after the replies yesterday, I’m slowly coming to the realisation that this is indeed unhealthy.

When I previously raised the issue on numerous occasions, I was made to feel like I am the problem and most women don’t have an issue with the partner exploring such sites and that I must be insecure and should just get over my constant upset as there is nothing to be upset about.

It will be 3 years this October that we were last intimate and now thinking about it, I don’t believe I wish to repair our relationship or even consider couples counselling. I was up most of the night last night coming to the realisation that I wasn’t being insecure, I was right all along when I questioned the behaviour and I allowed him to continuously blame me for those feelings of hurt. Every time I raise/d an issue that hurst me, somehow it’s changed into it being my fault and he ends up being the one ‘angry’ because of ‘my behaviour’. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are an awful lot of women out there in much worse relationships and in danger, so I understand I am a lucky one, but this is now way to live either.

I know it will take time to get out of this, but I am now more determined than ever to eventually start my life over.

I want to be loved and wanted, and I want to share the love I have with someone, just not him, not anymore. I now know I can’t do that to myself anymore.

@mama913 you will get there. You are a really bright, hardworking person with lots of decades to go and live to give.
As for him and his porn habit, it is disgusting. Leave him to it because nobody will want to take him on.

I'm very impressed @mama913

And from what you've said, you're right to want to get away from this horrible man

❤️

Edit - im impressed by the speed with which you've come to your conclusion and the conclusion itself 🥰