Why was my ex so against me reporting sexual assault?

[User46]

Please be gentle with me as this is an extremely sensitive issue.

after 15 years of bottling it up, I finally found the courage to report an SA.

What I am struggling to understand is why my longterm (now ex) partner was so against me from going to the police.

his reasoning was that one of his female cousins had reported a date rape which she managed to get to court but he was found not guilty due to insufficient evidence and the fact that she went on to date the man for several weeks.

It was obviously a harrowing time for her going through the process of reporting to court hearing, and my ex-partner’s thinking was that the emotional energy and mental stress the whole experience cost simply wasn’t worth going through.

So I listened to him. And didn’t listen to my own gut. Until one day I couldn’t keep silent anymore. I ended the relationship with my ex and decided to go to the police about my rape.

We are very early on in the process but at the very least, the relief I feel is already a win for me. Carrying the burden of this trauma unseen and unsupported was, for me, the emotional and mental stress my ex partner was trying to shield me from.

I am still struggling to understand him though.
There is a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that it actually suited him for me not to report because it kept me emotionally fragile and dependent on him and therefore easier to control. But maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe he was genuinely looking after what he thought were my best interests.

Reporting rape can carry a lot of significance depending on what the person reporting hopes will happen. For some it does bring closure and a feeling of strength even if the report goes no further or the accused person is never charged or convicted. The process of reporting is enough for the victim to feel they’ve used their power.

For others, it compounds an existing trauma. If the report goes no further it can leave victims feeling not believed and invalidated, or retelling what happened is traumatising for them. A tiny proportion of reports end in conviction, so it can feel futile.

For many women there’s no way of knowing how they’ll experience reporting until after it happens. You know your ex, was he generally quite controlling.

As someone who has both personal and professional experience I would encourage women to think carefully about why they might report, what they hope the outcome might be and how they may feel if the outcome is different.

An ex had an obsession with women falsely claiming assault, pretending most allegations are false and hardly any men were guilty of these things. Anyway he assaulted me. I would be suspicious of your ex.

His cousin was traumatised then traumatised again by the court case and everything in between. Unless he was a controlling or bad partner in other ways he may very well have been trying to protect you in his own way. Best of luck with this. Take care.

Was he generally controlling? Or usually caring?

The conviction rate for rape is pitifully low, and the process can be harrowing. He may have been trying to protect you, or he might have been trying to keep you vulnerable.

You could be right about him preferring you to be emotionally fragile and dependent, I'm guessing he's an ex for a reason.

I don't think it's unreasonable in of itself for someone to see something like a family member reporting rape and it not go well and then to tell people that. You can't help but be affected by something negative and then you think it's a bad idea for others to do the same thing.

I think after seeing how it affected his cousin he just couldn't be arsed to support you, as it would take time and energy

I imagine that he was trying to protect you from doing something he'd seen hurt someone else he cares for. However this doesn't make him right. Best of luck with everything and well done - what you are doing is extremely brave.

If you really need to know, you'll have to ask him. Does it actually matter now he's an ex?We can only guess on here what his reasons were, if they were not what he said they were at the time.

The part that stands out is that he mentions the cousin 'going on to date the guy afterwards'. As in after she went through an unsuccessful court case against him? Why would your fella need to mention that part? It makes it sound like he's saying she was lying.

That's what the defense often do isn't it, discredit the victim by saying 'well, why did you carry on seeing him if he did that to you?'

So I don't think he's saying it for the right reasons tbh. That bit stood out as a big red flag. The other bits could be genuine concern for how traumatising going to court could be and then how hard it is to get a conviction. But when you add in that other part it starts to sound sinister.

No, sorry if that wasn’t clear. She continued to date this guy after he had abused her. Without wanting to give too much outing info, it took her several months after he ended the relationship to report the attack.

Have been through the process of reporting a historic rape to the police and spending three years in limbo waiting for a charging decision (which the CPS eventually decided against), I would be very wary of advising anyone to report. I found the whole process extremely traumatic; it was the police process that led to me developing PTSD and having a breakdown.

You must do what you think is right for you . However having been through the whole police and court process ( he got 5 years) i would take the same stance as your ex( still don’t know if his intentions were honourable though) I would never encourage anyone to report unless there is a ton of forensic / video evidence.
I have also supported a family member with a historic case and it was awful . The whole process took months and months of interviews , videos, devices taken, houses searched, witness statements, months of it. Then CPS said there was not enough evidence , we even had a partial confession in a message. Her reputation and Edmonton’s l wellbeing was trashed , because these men won’t go down quietly . Then they can tell everyone ‘ of course it didn’t go any further , they could tell she was lying’ .

YOU personally will also be investigated , and your character examined .
I personally wouldnt but I wish you well .

Thank you. And I am inclined to agree with this viewpoint.

I am trying to get my head my ex not really listening to me, but projecting his own opinion about what was best for me.

to a PP, yes that is why he is an ex now. That bit I am certain about. He was so against me reporting that it confused me as to what I truly felt. And that is what led me to ending the relationship. It was a longterm relationship and by and large a good relationship. But I needed his support and he wasn’t able to give that to me. He put his own agenda first.

I guess I am coming to terms with having to go through this alone.

*edmontons ( emotional )

I'd be very worried about someone reporting SA. I would not discourage it if they wanted to do it but I wouldn't encourage it either, I'd be quietly thinking they're going to end up going through a lot more trauma if they report this. On a societal level, reporting is always better because it will likely protect others. On an individual level it will benefit some but many will have to go through awful personal questioning, potential cross examination if it gets to court, repercussions from the perps friends and family and with the conviction rate so low it could amount to nothing.
No one knows why your ex discouraged you. Maybe it was genuine care for you. If you think it was to keep you fragile is that because he was abusive?

I think it is unwise to advise someone in such a vulnerable position either to report or not to report. It's fine to help them talk through the possible outcomes of either action. Your ex may have been trying to protect you, he may have been trying to protect himself. Well done on reporting your assault and I hope you have support now.

I think some men don’t ‘cope’ well with information like this. Your rape case going to court I think was something he felt would reflect on him in some way.
Some men are in denial about rape and assault. Virtually every man I have ever met has given me chapter and verse on false accusations, or it is he said she said, or any number of ‘reasons’ as to why it’s not as bad as it seems.
He may have had some genuine motives because of his cousin.
The main thing is you have reported a terrible crime that you needed to speak up about.

He probably just worried that it would destroy you. The court process isn’t kind. Most reports lead to nothing which can feel worse than thinking nobody has protected you because you didn’t report. Knowing that the justice system didn’t work can be psychologically harmful.

Or he could have wanted you to keep quiet because he’s a misogynist. Or because he wanted to control you or because he’s done it himself. We can’t know. But there are reasonable arguments for either side.

If he had been through it all before supporting his cousin and had seen what a bad effect it had on her, he may well have been trying to be protective and not wanting to put you both through it. But if he saw that you really needed to do it he should have supported you.

It depends on what sort of man he was generally. You haven't given an indication that he had a hidden agenda and his cousin's experience would have informed his opinion. On the face of it he seems to have wanted to protect you from what is all too often a harrowing, protracted and futile thing. But he could easily have been a total misogynist and rape denier. I think it's also fair to say that very few men understand the enormous impact of rape on a woman, even the good ones.

Yes I get that. But why did he bring that up? What is the implication behind mentioning it? Why did he say that in the context of not wanting you to go to the police or to court?

Op I’m sorry you have had to live with this so long. And I glad you’re reaping the rewards of your bravery and refusal to abandon yourself. Society isnt ready/doesn’t want to deal with male on female abuse. It is quite routine for a person’s own familiy to urge a victim to keep quiet too.

The fact that you are very curious about his response and your response to his means you are building strength in your self. That you are allowing yourself to see that there is almost a script that women are advised to go down, which is always nothing, and its often under the guise of concern for the victim when you know that it is anything but. And that the truth is a whole lot worse.

do you have any talking therapy lined up? Not cbt but psychoanalytic?

Thanks so much for this. You have got exactly where I am. Whatever the next steps are or whether it stops at the report for me, I am looking after myself and what is best for my life going forward. I am looking into therapy but not sure where to begin the search. I’m sure there are brilliant therapist out there but equally not so great ones too.

Therapy - look on the BACP website.
I think standing up for yourself is a major step in reclaiming who you are.
I am in awe.

It depends on what sort of person he is, I think.

He might very genuinely have thought he had your best interests at heart, especially if he saw someone have a difficult experience with the legal system in a similar situation. He was wrong, but his motives might have been sincere.

Or he might just have been a twat who didn’t want to be bothered with supporting you emotionally and practically and saw it all as ‘drama’.

Or he might have been one of those appalling men who thinks it reflects somehow on him and is embarrassing.

My ex was extremely angry when I told him I’d been sexually assaulted in the street (in broad daylight and close to our home) and was even more angry that I’d called the police. He was angry that I’d been assaulted but more angry that I’d told him and absolutely raging that I’d called the police. Even now, writing that down absolutely blows me away with how horrible, irrational and stupid his reaction was.

Only you know what sort of man your ex was, so it’s impossible for anyone else to explain away his motives. The main thing is that you’ve done now what you wanted to do all along. You’re being incredibly brave