Why was my ex so against me reporting sexual assault?

[User46]

Please be gentle with me as this is an extremely sensitive issue.

after 15 years of bottling it up, I finally found the courage to report an SA.

What I am struggling to understand is why my longterm (now ex) partner was so against me from going to the police.

his reasoning was that one of his female cousins had reported a date rape which she managed to get to court but he was found not guilty due to insufficient evidence and the fact that she went on to date the man for several weeks.

It was obviously a harrowing time for her going through the process of reporting to court hearing, and my ex-partner’s thinking was that the emotional energy and mental stress the whole experience cost simply wasn’t worth going through.

So I listened to him. And didn’t listen to my own gut. Until one day I couldn’t keep silent anymore. I ended the relationship with my ex and decided to go to the police about my rape.

We are very early on in the process but at the very least, the relief I feel is already a win for me. Carrying the burden of this trauma unseen and unsupported was, for me, the emotional and mental stress my ex partner was trying to shield me from.

I am still struggling to understand him though.
There is a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that it actually suited him for me not to report because it kept me emotionally fragile and dependent on him and therefore easier to control. But maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe he was genuinely looking after what he thought were my best interests.

I would be very worried for the emotional welfare of anyone reporting historical sexual assault. It is hard to see your ex as an automatic villain here.

If you needed support and he couldn’t provide it, then you are correct to be rid of him. You need to walk your own path.

My guess is it simply made him feel uncomfortable (exactly why lots of families push sexual abuse under the rug and protect abusers, it’s easier not to think about it). He didn’t want to be reminded of it every day. He wanted you to prioritise his comfort over your own.

No one on here can say what he thinks, only he can.
Unless he generally lies to you (and if so, why are you with him?) believe him. He might well have been very upset by seeing what happened and not wished that on you-obviously it's your decision, and he doesn't have the right to stop you, same as if something had happened to him, and you disagree about how to handle it based on an experience you'd had. But that wouldn't mean you were a bad person, would it? You would have the right to have your own opinion. And if he went online asking strangers if that made you a bad person/if you were trying to control him, you'd probably be very upset-because no stranger should try to say what you're thinking, because they don't know.

You clearly don’t understand my post and I am finding your tone unnecessarily harsh. I asked for gentle support given the nature of the subject so if you cannot offer constructive words of support then I ask you politely not to comment please

I would say because he was trying to protect you. When what you really needed was support regardless of if you chose to report or not report.

I posted in your other thread, I was attacked 35 years ago as a teenager. I don’t talk about it irl.

I’ve been with my DP over twenty years now. This is not linked to my attack but to a separate trauma in my life, but last year I had to go to the police. I was sent a death threat by a horrible abusive man 25 years after the last time I saw him and got a restraining order. It was completely unexpected and I was shaking like a leaf as I’m so utterly terrified of him.

My DP drove me to the police station on the day and for the subsequent appointments (the police were useless imho). So he did that part but we’ve got a distance between us now as the emotional support I needed was non existent. I’m not sure how things will work themselves out as I’ve not needed support like that before and didn’t know I wouldn’t get any. My DP knew about all of these incidents in my life before I even dated him. So I thought that meant he’d be able to emotionally support me if I ever needed it.

i am sure it’s a difficult position for him as well but that’s not much help to me, I try discussing the lack of support snd he just shuts me down and goes and does something else.

So your ex”s lack of support is probably of a similar nature.

OP you and I could support each other as we know what it is like and how the other may be feeling, especially by lack of justice. 💐