Husband buying gifts for female colleague’s children

[BugseyMalone]

AIBU. My husband has a female colleague who he sees once in a while as she lives miles away but they have meetings etc through zoom. Last year I found out that this woman and my husband were quite friendly and he has been talking to her about his depression, rather than talking to me. Apparently he finds her easier to talk to. This upset me and I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with this relationship. He also told me that he’s been sending her kids presents etc at Christmas and birthdays. I again told him that I wasn’t happy with that. He said that they were just mates and that nothing inappropriate has happened between them. Apparently she’s very much into her husband (who apparently doesn’t like her being friends with my husband). Anyway, I’ve found another present he has bought for his friends kid and I’m not sure how to feel about it. In all honesty, I’m feeling very jealous and angry, but I might not have any right to be. Just wanted to sound it out.

I think it’s weird to buy presents for kids you’ve never met. I wouldn’t worry about the rest of it, personally. It doesn’t sound like they have the opportunity to do anything untoward as they pretty much never meet in person.

If you’ve told him stuff upsets you and he doesn’t change, that says he’s inconsiderate of your feelings and that’s a whole other issue.

This is an emotional affair. Her husband doesn’t like it, you don’t like it, but they carry on anyway.

It needs to stop before it crosses lines that cannot be uncrossed. Or worse before they decide they don’t need their respective spouses.

If he won’t cut her off, then that is all you need to know. Start prepping for divorce

Sounds like an emotional affair, although he sees it as platonic, as nothing has happened…

How many other work colleagues does he buy presents for their children? Unless they’re in poverty, or they share similar hobbies, that’s not a common practice? Is it a birthday present, or just a random gift, just because?

Is he trying to ‘buy’ the friendship? And/all impress her. what’s he like at gift giving generally? It’s the secrecy, and the fact that he’s giving emotional thought into it that’s the hurtful part.

One or two general conversations about depression wouldn’t bother me (it could just come up in conversation) but going would certainly upset me.

Don’t feel guilty at feeling jealous? Do some digging. How often does he talk to her, and when?

Yes I would be concerned, and frankly annoyed, too.....

As heard often on MN , it's never Martin from accounts is it.....

To be honest, he doesn’t talk to me much about her. I only knew that they have been friends for 5 years only last year! I asked him if he was having an affair, and he flatly denied it. He’s been buying things for this kid as he’s into robots and stuff, and so send things robot related to his house. They live hundreds of miles away, but he does see her every few months because of work. Hes very secretive about many things - I have confronted him and he says that he is entitled to a private life. Makes me look like in the control freak. Hes found that I’ve looked through his bags before and got upset with me. Told me that he felt violated and that he hates me going through his stuff. But I have no secrets and have no problem if he went through my stuff. He’s so secretive about his phone- taken all notifications off so that I can’t see anything that pops up. I told him that I don’t mind if he looks through my phone as I have nothing to hide, but again he comes back with personal privacy and boundaries. I’m so confused about what to think.

He has befriended a work collegue how very unfortunte the opposite sex is always taken as as some sexual liasion or possiblity.
I will always find this jelousy pathetic.
Some people are better to talk to than those closest to us.
Imagine of we all hated pur collegues...so many happier wives.

Genuinely, Thank you for your response- it’s always good to get different perspectives, otherwise we would all be in our echo chambers. 😀

He’s been ‘friendly’ with this colleague for five years?

How old is the child he’s buying gifts for?

I can understand not wanting to talk to your partner about certain things, because you can end up feeling that you're going on at them all the time, and you want that relationship to be different. I've bought gifts for family's kids, in some cases that we have never met (live abroad), and as these days friends are family for many people, I wouldn't have an issue if my partner did this.
I would just tell him you're there if you want to discuss things, and mention other people (his parents/professional counsellors) that he could also speak with.

This is so weird, I don’t really know what else to say. 💐

Tosh.

Yes, it's an emotional affair which is just as damaging as a physical affair. Print out an article on emotional affairs and have him read it. Male/female friendships often have very different dynamics and one can very much feel when their spouse's focus has turned elsewhere.

I believe since discussion hasn't made improvements, you really need to see a marital counselor who might get things through to your husband whereas you haven't. If he refuses, tell him you're seeing a counselor yourself to show him the seriousness of the matter.

This is just a co-worker, not a long term friend he met in childhood. So if he doesn't care that you're upset and values more his emotional connection to another lady, then you need to let go of him since he's not worthy of you. Even if he sees is as okay behavior, since you don't, he should tell the lady, "For the good of my marriage, I found it's best we no longer speak of personal issues and there will be no more gifts. We'll go back to being pleasant co-workers and only speak of work."

I'm sorry you're going through this. Tough to be blindsided. Emotional affairs usually happen when there is an emotional disconnection within the marriage. Had one or both of you stopped making effort? Did you notice him distancing himself from you long before this?

No it's not normal it's fucking nuts. I bet there's more to this.

Agreed. It’s not normal. They are not his kids.

For me buying the presents for her children was part of his deepening emotional attachment and enmeshing in her life. I thought it was just a friendly gesture at the time but found the messages soon after.

You say they do meet occasionally due to work? i might be wrong but i would say at some point he's banged her and if he hasn't he probably wanted to...it's not normal behaviour for a married man that's for sure.

This is incredibly naive.

It isn’t about who he is friends with, it is about whether that friendship is a risk to a marriage. If this one upsets the OP then her husband should be understanding and should consider ending the friendship - as long as this isn’t done because OP is controlling.

That he is secretive with his phone is an issue. Yes OP should not want to look in his phone, but if she does then he should understand that maybe it is needed to put her mind at ease. If my husband needed to look at mine to feel comfort then I would allow him, however it would not be a regular thing because then it is about control not comfort.

You can’t look at things so black and white. The impact of the friendship on the marriage is something that has to be considered. Why would a person want to hold onto a friendship that doesn’t need to exist and is hurting their marriage.

The OP mentioned that her husband said something about being able to talk to her easily…if he needs to talk about his feelings there are plenty of outlets, family, local friends, Andy’s Men’s Club (sp?), counselling…the choice you should make is the one that helps you to have a full life whilst not causing a problem in a healthy marriage.

This does all hinge on the assumption that it is a healthy marriage and that OP is not usually demanding or controlling about who her husband is friends with.

Agree with pp that it's an emotional affair. And if it's been going on for 5 years they are deeply enmeshed with each other.

It doesn't sound as though your marriage is much of a partnership OP if he deliberately keeps secrets from you. It sounds as though there is probably a lot of things going on in his life that you don't know about.

How old are the children he is buying these gifts for. Could they feasibly be his?

It’s a shame it comes with such loaded language toward you though, with the pathetic jealousy comment. 🤷‍♀️

Hes very secretive about many things - I have confronted him and he says that he is entitled to a private life.

…from his wife?? Er, no, he’s really not. And only a cheater would insist that he is “entitled to a private life” away from his wife. That’s absolutely batshit.

This emotional affair is just what you know about and unfortunately with his behaviour and attitude is probably the tip of the iceberg. I’d be getting my affairs together pronto.

Oh to be as cool as you. 🙄

It’s never nearly-retired Bill or middle aged Canteen Carol is it? Always some young bit of fluff they’re ‘just friendly with’.

Secretive about his phone? And buying presents for her kids? That’s not normal. Are you sure they’re not his kids?

He is having an emotional affair. He at least fancies her as he not talking to Bob or buying Bobs kids gifts. Look up emotional affair his is classic. At the very least youve told him how you feel he has dismissed this and basically told you that his “affair partner “ is more important than you and he will not be giving her up. Time to leave he is making a fool of you

YANBU. My late grandfather used to buy presents for the children of women he was having affairs with. I’m sorry - I would do more digging.

Oh God
My colleague recently brought his 5 year old son into work (had to collect something he'd left in his office). I love kids (I have 4) and this little boy was so charming and adorable. Anyway, he was talking to me about bath bombs. Hed recently put a bath bomb in his paddling pool and thought it was the best thing ever. He said he wishes he had a rainbow bath bomb with a toy inside it to put into his pool.

Anyway, few days later I was shopping. Just happened to see a cool rainbow bath bomb: couldn't pass it. Picked up two for him and one for my daughter.

Gave it to his dad for him.

His dad told me after his little boy was delighted and he thanked me very much.

Does his mum think I was out of order do you think?

Christ I hope not.
I get on very well with her husband (my colleague) in work but its a work relationship only. Absolutely nothing whatsoever else. I am happily married and even if I was single, would have no interest in him romantically and even if I did, wouldnt dream of hurting his beautiful family.

I wasnt thinking.
This isnt the same thing, right?
I'd be horrified if I had caused that woman to worry or be upset