Husband buying gifts for female colleague’s children

[BugseyMalone]

AIBU. My husband has a female colleague who he sees once in a while as she lives miles away but they have meetings etc through zoom. Last year I found out that this woman and my husband were quite friendly and he has been talking to her about his depression, rather than talking to me. Apparently he finds her easier to talk to. This upset me and I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with this relationship. He also told me that he’s been sending her kids presents etc at Christmas and birthdays. I again told him that I wasn’t happy with that. He said that they were just mates and that nothing inappropriate has happened between them. Apparently she’s very much into her husband (who apparently doesn’t like her being friends with my husband). Anyway, I’ve found another present he has bought for his friends kid and I’m not sure how to feel about it. In all honesty, I’m feeling very jealous and angry, but I might not have any right to be. Just wanted to sound it out.

Sounds like he’s ‘buying her’. Sorry but I would hate this. My ex did it with any woman at work who showed him attention, it’s pathetic.

I don’t buy any colleagues kids Xmas presents, male or female. I’m not surprised her husband isn’t happy . They both have their own families to concentrate on . It’s weird.

@ThWildRose no it’s not the same thing

@Inmyuggs "Imagine of we all hated our collegues...so many happier wives."

Yeah, but just imagine if men didn't always seem to make "special" friends with female colleagues. Especially the young and fit ones. Strange that. I guess it's because they're easy listeners. I mean, it's the only obvious explanation isn't it.

Ah the sex toy in bag husband. He’s a busy guy

Oh! Shit yes you’re right.

Thank you for your honesty. If their relationship was like mine, then she would be hurt. But they’re probably in a better place than me and my husband.

Absolutely not! My DP has the most beautiful colleague, for each of our children birth she’s picked the most beautiful gifts. She started out his work friend and I was slightly worried, she’s really glamorous and has the most lovely personality and naturally she’s stunning to boot. But I’ve kind of stolen her, she pops in to visit myself and the kids now and again, tells me the work gossip that DP doesn’t know because men are crap and don’t spill the tea. Our kids see her as a cool aunt.

Is he a big present buyer? Does he buy his friends engagement presents and his nephews Christmas presents? What does he buy for you?

This could be an emotional affair. I have been in your position and buying things for her kids was something I found out he did. As well as personal gifts for each other. It was different to a friendship in a way that was difficult to make dh understand for quite a long time. My dh is is a very sociable person and had always had female friends but this was different. The messages were constant, they did things together all the time but the main thing was a sudden demand for privacy. He put a password on his laptop, higher security on his phone. And he lied about spending time with her. He minimised anything I discovered and argued they were 'just friends'. He was addicted to her and despite seeing how upsetting I found their closeness he continued telling himself it was fine because it wasn't physical. She was his go to person instead of me, the one he told things first to. The one he confided in about worries etc. I felt like an outsider. We very nearly split up and I needed therapy. We are now slowly rebuilding and she is out of the picture. Do not underestimate the damage an inappropriate friendship can do.

The thing that really stood out to me in all of this is when you said he has been talking to her about his depression, rather than talking to me. Apparently he finds her easier to talk to. Leaving aside the exact relationship with his colleague/friend, this seems to be a problem. While he's entitled to privacy including about any medical conditions, if he really has depression that impacts you fairly significantly, especially if you have children together.

While I normally try to treat friendships as their own thing and don't assume a sexual/romantic interest or relationship, I also think any friendship becomes a potential problem when it's impinging on a primary relationship between partners. (For example, if this colleague were texting your husband for hours every night keeping him tied up and away from you and any household or family things he'd normally be doing, that would be an issue - but it would also be an issue if his heterosexual male ex-army buddy did the same). When he says she's easier to talk to, he's pretty clearly confirming that he is talking to her INSTEAD of talking to you, and since your relationship's not great overall this is a real threat to it.

I don't think you should be rifling through his stuff; you say you wouldn't mind, but he does and many people would. Can you try offering him his privacy back in exchange for his having an honest conversation (or several) and telling you what's going on? Maybe he can also tell you WHY it's so hard to talk with you about his depression and then the two of you can figure out a better way to communicate.

I don't think this is normal

Oh bloody hell, so it is. The H who’d had an affair previously (strange not to mention that on THIS thread) and has been travelling the country with sex toys in his overnight bag. Well now, I wonder where on earth he could have been with them?? Lego for the kids and a lemon for the ‘colleague’…

Oh FFS! It’s that poster!

Mate! WAKE UP!!!

To be fair on the op I did this with my last relationship . I made separate posts about separate issues without mentioning the other issues as I wanted to know I wasn’t being unreasonable about this or that without this or that muddying the opinions , I’m probably not explaining it very well but I can understand why people do this .

this with bells on.

and niw we know he is the sex you guy i thibk we know what the colleague’s gift was.

🦆 in a row and ltb.

I’d be seriously wondering that too. Clearly a long-running affair, maybe her husband’s pissed off because he’s been doing the maths…

Oh yes. He's bought her a sex toy. Op found it hidden in his bag. But then it mysteriously disappeared.

Oh FFS @BugseyMalone

I didn’t realise your husband is the sex toy guy. This isn’t an emotional affair, he is having an affair.

WISE UP AND LEAVE HIM FFS!!!!