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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband saying very hurtful things

36 replies

Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 07:58

i am in floods of tears and don’t know where to turn. Trying to keep it other in front of the kids but struggling. DH and I have always argued over the course of our relationship. From his upbringing, he grew up with a horrible abusive father, and as a result he lashes out and is totally hurtful when he fees he’s being attacked.

anyway fast forward to this morning, he has told me I am an idiot, he doesn’t like me and that he is only with me for the kids. I don’t see how we can come back from that.

I work full time in a highly stressful job, and earn well, I am there as much as I can be for the kids. I have lots of friends and seem to be a likeable person. I just can’t understand how he hates me so much. My confidence is on the floor.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 30/07/2026 08:10

If this is a pattern it doesn't look good OP. He is verbally abusive and this is very upsetting for your children to hear and witness. When he is calm l think l would suggest to him that he has anger management and also that you have couples counselling. Only suggest this if you think he would not kick off again obviously! If you feel unsafe and not able to broach the subject of his outbursts then speak to Women's Aid for advice and support.

vincettenoir · 30/07/2026 08:19

I’m sorry OP. I don’t know if you can come back from this or not. But it seems to me it is less likely if he’s not able to reflect on his own behaviour. If he is able to work on himself and do some counselling to tackle that would be a good start. If he is planning to continue in the same vein then there’s not much to work with.

ThefutureIwant · 30/07/2026 08:24

I've just left a marriage in which my husband treated me like this. I stayed for many years, stupidly thinking that it was more important to keep the family unit together. Despite many attempts at conversation and some marriage counselling he never improved and his behaviour then escalated. Eventually I found the courage to end the marriage.

You said you have lots of friends. Draw on them to help rebuild your self esteem. It's likely easier than you realise and you can free yourself from this awful situation that you don't deserve to be in (or your kids).

Tel12 · 30/07/2026 08:27

I'd get some counselling to work out what you want to do. I'd be planning my exit strategy.

RedTulip86 · 30/07/2026 08:31

Does he lash out at his boss,neighbours,coworkers or is it a special “privilege” reserved just for you?If he manages to behave towards the others then he’s abusing you.

“When he’s feeling attacked”. OP, you and your kids are spending your life tiptoeing around somebody with explosive temper that can lash out for whatever trivial reason.

Shit childhood is not excuse. If he has issues stemming from it he should work on them instead of taking it out on you and kids.

Tackle him about it. He’s setting his kids to fail as he’s repeating the pattern. Is that what you want your kids to learn about relationship?
Either he stops or he goes.
Ultimately you go.

HatAndScarf33 · 30/07/2026 08:34

You say he grew up with an abusive father and ‘as a result’ is verbally abusive towards you. I just want to correct you there, he may have grown up with an abusive father but his behaviour is not a foregone result of that.

Lots of people have abusive upbringings and don’t behave this way. His behaviour is a result of his lack of ability to regulate himself when he’s upset, which CAN be learnt if a person invests time, effort and energy into learning it. His behaviour is the result of him not taking personal accountability and responsibility for how HE behaves and he won’t change until her does that and learns the skills (that can be learnt!) to stay regulated enough in heated moments to not verbally abuse someone.

Don’t consider ending it because of what he said (people who do this may not actually mean what they say, they’re simply weaponising words they know will wound), but consider ending it because he’s not taking proactive steps to change and this is no way for you or your kids to live.

trythisforsize · 30/07/2026 08:39

he has told me I am an idiot, he doesn’t like me and that he is only with me for the kids. I don’t see how we can come back from that.

Then don't.

It's done.

Start your new life without him. The kids will be much happier and safer.

It will only get worse - he will totally ruin your kids lives and waste your precious time.

He is never going to change.

trythisforsize · 30/07/2026 08:42

HatAndScarf33 · 30/07/2026 08:34

You say he grew up with an abusive father and ‘as a result’ is verbally abusive towards you. I just want to correct you there, he may have grown up with an abusive father but his behaviour is not a foregone result of that.

Lots of people have abusive upbringings and don’t behave this way. His behaviour is a result of his lack of ability to regulate himself when he’s upset, which CAN be learnt if a person invests time, effort and energy into learning it. His behaviour is the result of him not taking personal accountability and responsibility for how HE behaves and he won’t change until her does that and learns the skills (that can be learnt!) to stay regulated enough in heated moments to not verbally abuse someone.

Don’t consider ending it because of what he said (people who do this may not actually mean what they say, they’re simply weaponising words they know will wound), but consider ending it because he’s not taking proactive steps to change and this is no way for you or your kids to live.

Don’t consider ending it because of what he said (people who do this may not actually mean what they say, they’re simply weaponising words they know will wound)

Rubbish.

Words are dangerous and damaging.

Words are very powerful and destructive.

People who abuse this way know exactly what they are doing.

Soulhorse · 30/07/2026 08:44

He is showing contempt for you, there is rarely a way back from that. I’m sorry OP, start making your plans.

thetinsoldier · 30/07/2026 08:46

Seaoftroubles · 30/07/2026 08:10

If this is a pattern it doesn't look good OP. He is verbally abusive and this is very upsetting for your children to hear and witness. When he is calm l think l would suggest to him that he has anger management and also that you have couples counselling. Only suggest this if you think he would not kick off again obviously! If you feel unsafe and not able to broach the subject of his outbursts then speak to Women's Aid for advice and support.

Hard disagree. Don’t have counselling with an abusive partner.

LumpyandBumps · 30/07/2026 09:17

Do you want to stay with him? He sounds awful.
It’s one thing to say the odd thing about what someone does ( not pulling weight, leaving washing up, being untidy, etc), but he’s at the stage of attacking who you are by calling you an idiot.
If you think there’s a chance counselling will help change his actions it could be worth a try but it’s unrealistic to think it can drastically change who he is.
You may be able to hide your tears from the kids now but at some stage they will see them, or hear your H, as I doubt he will control his outbursts.
You say that he is like this when he feels attacked? Is this his way of keeping you in line and stopping you ‘nagging’? Are you willing to tiptoe around him for ever?

Original poster
Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 09:18

Thanks for your responses. Although different views it’s helpful.

I messaged him to say I don’t think there is a way through this. He says he isn’t respected, I don’t appreciate him and what he does, that I tell him he’s not enough and he doesn’t do enough. That I do not listen to him and don’t invest anything into him.

I will also add he has been suffering with PE for a number of years now which has obviously had a big impact on the relationship. He has tried counselling, exercises and medication but nothing has helped. It upsets me hugely and it’s wrecking his self esteem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 09:20

Also to add, one of the big issues we have is that I don’t feel like he listens to me when I come to him with what I am upset about. He says I’m negative, and then launches into his problems with me. I asked him why he never addresses these separately rather than hijacking my opportunity to explain how I feels and his response was he can’t be bothered with the aggro.

OP posts:
TishHope · 30/07/2026 09:22

Honestly OP, I would be making plans to leave. Start looking at practicalities, do you joint own your home? How old are the children?

Brandyb · 30/07/2026 09:30

Sorry, what is PE?

tryingtobesogood · 30/07/2026 09:31

Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 09:20

Also to add, one of the big issues we have is that I don’t feel like he listens to me when I come to him with what I am upset about. He says I’m negative, and then launches into his problems with me. I asked him why he never addresses these separately rather than hijacking my opportunity to explain how I feels and his response was he can’t be bothered with the aggro.

He doesn't like you very much does he?

I suspect he has found someone else and is demonising you to make you leave him so that he is in the clear to be with her. Get yourself a solicitor, copy all your financials and make sure he is not hiding anything from you. He is up to something and intends on making it your fault

Rothburypixie · 30/07/2026 09:34

He shouldn’t talk to you like that OP his upbringing is not an excuse, my DH had a similar up bringing and has never called me a name.

whippersnapper55 · 30/07/2026 09:58

I'm sorry OP there's no excuse for him speaking to you like that. I would tell him if he doesn't like you and is only staying for the kids, he should leave. He can still be a dad without being with you and treating you badly. You deserve better than this.

JustMyView13 · 30/07/2026 10:02

The children hear and see all of this, even if you think they don’t. They do. Staying, you’re repeating the cycle and teaching them this relationship is normal. By leaving, you teach them to have self respect. Will it be hard? Probably. Will you look back in 10yrs and be grateful you didn’t waste a single day more in this broken relationship? Probably again.

PussInBin20 · 30/07/2026 10:06

Sounds like it is well and truly over tbh. He can’t be bothered to put any effort in so nothing will change.

EveryNowAndZen · 30/07/2026 10:18

Brandyb · 30/07/2026 09:30

Sorry, what is PE?

Premature ejaculation.

OP, do you normally look at him and think "This man has emotional depth, patience and resilience, and is kind and invested in me as a person -not just a coparent and cohabitee."

If not, it's a really hard road to tread, trying to encourage growth and self-awareness in a partner whose baseline is disrespect and collapse.

Don't do it to yourself or your DC. Wishing you clarity and resolve.

Sicario · 30/07/2026 10:44

You don't have to stay in a miserable marriage. He is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't like you and doesn't like his life. You're on a hiding to nothing.

If you both truly wanted to try to save your marriage, it would require a great deal of effort on both parts and a good couples therapist.

But it sounds like that ship has sailed.

Take a step back. Think about what YOU want. If you could rebuild a life without your husband, what would that look like?

Start picturing a new future. A future that is brighter and happier. What steps would you need to start moving towards it?

SendTheNextOneIn · 30/07/2026 10:47

Brandyb · 30/07/2026 09:30

Sorry, what is PE?

I’m going to assume premature ejaculation?

Original poster
Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 10:59

SendTheNextOneIn · 30/07/2026 10:47

I’m going to assume premature ejaculation?

Show quote history

Yea that’s right

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 30/07/2026 11:30

Abusers always try to turn it around to make their partner feel like the one responsible. It is a classic way to duck responsibility and blame you for everything.

You are not responsible for his behaviour.

You will be happier, and healthier, without him.

If you stay in this your physical and mental health will crumble.