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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband saying very hurtful things

36 replies

Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 07:58

i am in floods of tears and don’t know where to turn. Trying to keep it other in front of the kids but struggling. DH and I have always argued over the course of our relationship. From his upbringing, he grew up with a horrible abusive father, and as a result he lashes out and is totally hurtful when he fees he’s being attacked.

anyway fast forward to this morning, he has told me I am an idiot, he doesn’t like me and that he is only with me for the kids. I don’t see how we can come back from that.

I work full time in a highly stressful job, and earn well, I am there as much as I can be for the kids. I have lots of friends and seem to be a likeable person. I just can’t understand how he hates me so much. My confidence is on the floor.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2026 12:20

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Would you be willing to contact Womens Aid?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and you are not a rehab center for a badly raised man.

You have a choice re this man and they do not.
This is no legacy to leave your children and they need to grow up in a house free from abuse. They are seeing you being abused by their dad at first hand.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2026 12:28

And a hard no to couples counselling. Abuse is not a relationship issue and it is about power and control. He wants absolute over you all. You are not emotionally safe enough to undergo any sessions with him.

And he does not have an anger management problem and such courses are no answer to domestic abuse. He has a problem with anger, ops anger, when she rightly calls him out on his behaviour.

Hoppinggreen · 30/07/2026 12:32

He is abusive and is trying to make you blame yourself for his abuse
Its completely unaceptable and you should figure out how to leave

orangehandles · 30/07/2026 12:41

Seaoftroubles · 30/07/2026 08:10

If this is a pattern it doesn't look good OP. He is verbally abusive and this is very upsetting for your children to hear and witness. When he is calm l think l would suggest to him that he has anger management and also that you have couples counselling. Only suggest this if you think he would not kick off again obviously! If you feel unsafe and not able to broach the subject of his outbursts then speak to Women's Aid for advice and support.

Couples counselling together is a seriously bad idea when there is any kind of abuse, which this clearly is.

TemuSussex · 30/07/2026 12:45

Leave! You earn well, you don't have to put up with this shit. Your life will be 100% better without him in it.

HatAndScarf33 · 30/07/2026 13:08

@trythisforsizei probably wasn’t clear, i meant that the words he says are a symptom of a bigger problem - he has an abusive pattern of behaviour that won’t change unless he takes drastic steps and that’s what she needs to accept and the reason she should end it. I can see I maybe wasn’t clear - but I’m in agreement with most posters. She is better off out of the relationship. Especially since she updated where he’s taken zero accountability and instead heaped all the blame on her.

Original poster
Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 13:44

he would say I was abusive, and I don’t listen and I constantly blame him and never reflect on my own behaviour. So a lot of the comments relating to abuse are quite hard to read. He would say that I’m abusing him probably. My head is just scrambled.

OP posts:
anonymoususer9876 · 30/07/2026 14:16

Do you tell him he’s an idiot?
Do you tell him you don’t like him (it’s OK not to like certain behaviours)?
Do you tell him you’re only there for the kids?
Do you tell him he’s not enough?

ThefutureIwant · 30/07/2026 14:17

Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 13:44

he would say I was abusive, and I don’t listen and I constantly blame him and never reflect on my own behaviour. So a lot of the comments relating to abuse are quite hard to read. He would say that I’m abusing him probably. My head is just scrambled.

Gosh, I could have written this post. This is always what I was told. Our conversations after he said the most awful things were never actual conversations, they were all about how it was my fault, how I pushed him to it, how I must be nicer to him.
My ex would also say I abused him and this is just another way in which they keep a hold over you. There does come a point where you realise that it isn't true, although it takes a while, especially when the marriage is long. But you can come through the other side, you really can.

pikkumyy77 · 30/07/2026 14:22

Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 09:18

Thanks for your responses. Although different views it’s helpful.

I messaged him to say I don’t think there is a way through this. He says he isn’t respected, I don’t appreciate him and what he does, that I tell him he’s not enough and he doesn’t do enough. That I do not listen to him and don’t invest anything into him.

I will also add he has been suffering with PE for a number of years now which has obviously had a big impact on the relationship. He has tried counselling, exercises and medication but nothing has helped. It upsets me hugely and it’s wrecking his self esteem.

Ok: poor boy.

You should still leave. You can’t fix what he breaks and keeps broken. He blames his father for his abusive childhood? Get out before your children blame you for staying with their sngry father.

pikkumyy77 · 30/07/2026 14:28

Custardcreams35 · 30/07/2026 13:44

he would say I was abusive, and I don’t listen and I constantly blame him and never reflect on my own behaviour. So a lot of the comments relating to abuse are quite hard to read. He would say that I’m abusing him probably. My head is just scrambled.

This is DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and Offender.

It is a well known tactic of abusers and is a near spinal reflex for the children of abusive parents if they don’t collapse altogether. It goes under the heading of “the best defense is an overwhelming offense.”

Once you are in this cycle you can never get out. Its purpose is to silence you.

Just stop arguing or discussing the incidents at all. Take his hurtful statements at face value. “All right its over: separation then divorce.” Don’t let him backtrack or start to open negotiations. Just tap the sign “YOU SAID ITS OVER.” And move on.

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