Asperger’s partner (when I don’t have the same condition)

[Romancingthestone]

Hi,

Does anyone know of any good reading material for relationships with someone who has Asperger’s. Many thanks in advance.

I have started dating someone in their late 40’s with Asperger’s, a stammer and quite painfully shy at times although they say their Asperger’s is without learning difficulties. They are unable to hold down a job beyond doing gig economy work, they can’t live alone, their house (lives with father) is filthy by their own admission, which they won’t let me visit to help clean/tidy, if it wasn’t for my feeding them I’m convinced they wouldn’t eat much. I just feel bad to end things as they claim not having a relationship in the past had depressed them and contributed to self neglect.

But it is like I’m dating a man-child at times, their most romantic gesture is to turn up specifically earlier with a bottle of wine to give it time to chill and they think it is hilarious to keep passing wind whenever they can in front of me when it is just us. I get it’s human, we all have to pass wind but it becomes annoying to be constantly subjected to it.

During one of our closer encounters they held me so tight it nearly gave me respiratory problems - I sense from trying to read similar asked Asperger’s dating type threads, you should be direct/firm?

I’m not going to change them am I? I just worry people might start thinking I’m the same as them?

I don’t have a lot of dating experience either myself so grateful for any insight. It’s really early days. Have no hope in hell of seeing their medical records as I’m not sure I believe it’s Asperger’s without LD ? and they let their father get so far advanced with Alzheimer’s before getting them help they needed I’m a little concerned what could lie ahead.

Seriously what are you getting out of this?
Asperger’s is no longer PC to say.

people who are neurodivergent tend to flock together. You can 100% have high functioning autism and be highly intelligent. My eldest and her partner proof of this. Both ND and both educated to degree level.

You can’t fix him , don’t try. If you continue you will be cater for him and his Dad. Run

Do you live in a different planet and he is the only man left? Struggling to see why you would be interested in pursuing a relationship here.

“ If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism” famous quote by Dr Stephen Shore
Lots of books out there but not sure they will help.

You seem to have little or no knowledge of autism.
As PP says the term Asperger’s isn’t used now but this could well be his diagnosis if he was diagnosed a while ago ( pre 2013)
Those diagnosed with the label would be of average or above intelligence with some with a high IQ.

Sounds like he has difficulty with executive function skills.
Really doesn’t sound like you are keen for obvious reasons and you worry people will think you’re “ the same as them”

You can’t stay because you feel sorry for him or to try to “ fix” him.

@BeMintFatball is correct that in the UK aspergers is nolonger diagnosed but there will be lots of people who are diagnosed with it and will continue to identify as having aspergers and most people agree that they shouldn’t be told their identity is wrong.

But I totally agree with them wondering what are you thinking dating this guy. Your romantic partner shouldn’t be someone you’re trying to save.

I just feel bad to end things as they claim not having a relationship in the past had depressed them and contributed to self neglect.

Oh stop it for goodness sake 🙄

If this is true then you can ask him for book recommendations.

End it and feel bad anyway. The bad feeling will pass.

Were you put on this earth to sacrifice yourself to save a man who does nothing but fart around you? Nope! Up your standards!

For a very realistic view of what it might look like longer term. I'd research Mark Hutten's videos on Cassandra Syndrome, which refers to the mental/physical ill-health caused to NT women from the stress & emotional deprivation that comes from living with an ASD partner. He has lots of info on how to understand them better and interact with them in a helpful manner.

He won't change.

I think it’s more common to stay in dead end relationships when you’re not experienced. There are plenty of other people out there, please don’t commit yourself to this sorry man.

I don’t think a book will help you. Asperger’s or not he sounds awful.

Thank you, I had heard about the intelligence which is why claims of being slow and not comprehending in jobs leading to him unable to hold down a job has me wondering.

Asperger’s is a term he states he prefers to use, which I don’t understand if as he claims this diagnosis was made in the last decade he is using an old term, I have been corrected it should be autistic person (even over person with autism) when I did recent onboard training with the nhs.

Thank you all xx a road I wish I hadn’t gone down.

Thank you all again - time to find the big girl pants.

Actually Asperger’s was still diagnosed as recently as 2021 in the UK: not commonly but it was still a valid diagnosis.

His autism diagnosis isn’t at all relevant here. What’s relevant is that he behaves in ways you find deeply unattractive and therefore you shouldn’t be dating him. It doesn’t matter whether those behaviours are related to his autism or not. You don’t have to endure a relationship with someone you’re not really attracted to. It really is that simple.

Is this where the "be kind" movement has taken us?

Just because he wants a girlfriend doesn't mean you have to comply.
You cannot change him.
You shouldn't waste time trying.

I wonder what's happened to make your self-esteem so low that you'd even consider this.

Out of curiosity do you know why Asperger’s as a term was decategorised so to speak? To me it’s always seemed like a useful enough term to describe certain types of behaviour in autism. I’m autistic myself but this is something I’ve always been curious about.

Partly to do with Hans asperger who was a nazi sympathiser and partly because autism advocacy argues against categorising it as a different or easier type of autism, which is looking at it through a neurotypical lens of the perspective of 'which autistics can best pass through a neurotypical world with least bother' not 'how impacted is this person by their autism even if they are average or above average intelligence'

Nobody wants to date an autistic man, its worse than dating a raging alcoholic according to this forum.

There's plenty of fish in the sea, you just dont want to date a man who has facts on every fish in the sea.

OK, that's a helpful explanation, thanks. Tbh I've just realised I had heard about the Nazi connection but forgotten about it, definitely a good reason in itself but I can also see what you're saying about the broader context.

There’s nothing to gain from wasting your time reading books about his condition. It isn’t working and him feeling sad doesn’t mean you should stick it out.

As another person said, if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism.

I (a woman) am autistic. I have a PhD, I'm senior management in a high flying role. I'm married, have two children, own my own home, clean my own home, cook, care for pets, and have absolutely no issues with socialising or emotional intelligence.

I once (very briefly) dated an autistic man (diagnosis was also Asperger's), who was almost exactly like your chap. Couldn't take care of himself, lived in filth, no social etiquette whatsoever.

I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet by explaining to you how well I'm doing. What I'm saying is that there really isn't any book you could read that would help because one person's autism is not another's. I will also add that a large proportion of autistic men lean more towards the example you gave - it's because we're socialised differently. Girls learn to mask, they learn how to slot into society because they're not given leeway. They also learn accountability when they fuck up. Boys tend to get away with all sorts and are allowed to blame having autism for their behaviour. It's very well known in ND circles; a lot of autistic women will not date autistic men.

This man may be autistic, but he also has absolutely repulsive manners and lives in a pigsty. His diagnosis doesn't matter here; his behaviour does, and you're worth far more than putting up with that.

You want to go round and clean his house?? You're not his maid, not his mother and it's not your job to clean up after him. Your other descriptions of his behaviour don't make him sound like a realistic prospect as a partner. It's not unkind to end the relationship if it's not working for you. You don't owe anyone your time and energy.

So he is autistic. Do you want to date him? If not, run

Love on the spectrum

the Rosie effect series (books)

also look up Cassandra syndrome

Regardless of any diagnosis, this repulsive man has filthy habits and lives in squalor. Why on earth would you entertain him? Raise your standards.

Asperges or not, this man isnt for you

Dont drag it out, be honest and direct and wish him well