Asperger’s partner (when I don’t have the same condition)

[Romancingthestone]

Hi,

Does anyone know of any good reading material for relationships with someone who has Asperger’s. Many thanks in advance.

I have started dating someone in their late 40’s with Asperger’s, a stammer and quite painfully shy at times although they say their Asperger’s is without learning difficulties. They are unable to hold down a job beyond doing gig economy work, they can’t live alone, their house (lives with father) is filthy by their own admission, which they won’t let me visit to help clean/tidy, if it wasn’t for my feeding them I’m convinced they wouldn’t eat much. I just feel bad to end things as they claim not having a relationship in the past had depressed them and contributed to self neglect.

But it is like I’m dating a man-child at times, their most romantic gesture is to turn up specifically earlier with a bottle of wine to give it time to chill and they think it is hilarious to keep passing wind whenever they can in front of me when it is just us. I get it’s human, we all have to pass wind but it becomes annoying to be constantly subjected to it.

During one of our closer encounters they held me so tight it nearly gave me respiratory problems - I sense from trying to read similar asked Asperger’s dating type threads, you should be direct/firm?

I’m not going to change them am I? I just worry people might start thinking I’m the same as them?

I don’t have a lot of dating experience either myself so grateful for any insight. It’s really early days. Have no hope in hell of seeing their medical records as I’m not sure I believe it’s Asperger’s without LD ? and they let their father get so far advanced with Alzheimer’s before getting them help they needed I’m a little concerned what could lie ahead.

You are very different people, no ones fault you just aren’t on the same wavelength and the constant frustration will drive you mad. It’s very difficult but i think people on the spectrum probably work best in relationships when they are both similar, an example would be that if they are both selfish or self centred they will just cancel each other out without conflict. If on the other hand they are selfish and you’re not it will just cause anger and frustration even though you know it’s not their fault.

That’s just one example, i’m neurotypical living with someone with add/adhd and aspergers and it’s 100% not easy and at times i feel like head butting a wall. If you can avoid it i would.

This.

check yourself before you wreck yourself.

It sounds like you are parroting the phrases used by the #Actually Autistic crowd.

Asperger's was dropped as a classification in 2013 because there was little consistency between different diagnosticians, so one person could be given the autism diagnosis and another one Asperger's by different doctors. What would happen to a child like my friend's daughter who was diagnosed as autistic aged 3? Lack of speech was a reason for diagnosis of autism rather than aspergers. She developed speech much later. Is she still autistic or does she now have Asperger's?

The links Asperger had to Nazism and the horrific acts he committed as part of the child euthanasia (better described as child murder) programme were not uncovered until 2017.

It is nonsense that a diagnosis was given based on how well someone can pass as NT, or the level of trouble they cause for other people.

They use levels in most of the world and I wish they did here too. If someone is level 1, 2 or 3 you have a rough idea of where their difficulties lie. We all have equal worth as people, but like it or not, autism presents very differently in different people.

Respectfully, if someone has a diagnosis of Aspergers, it is absolutely fine for them to use that term. They are highly likely (due to their need for routine and sameness) not to start saying they are autistic instead.
Also, if we're being PC as you say, we don't say high-functioning autism anymore either.
Each presentation is different so just because one autistic person can do something, doesn't mean another can.

Op, this situation won't change. It seems routine is important to them. They can't change their understanding of romance and we likely get it wrong and not live up to what you need. Consider it a mismatch and move on.

But levels will be used in the same way as Aspergers in that who's to say one clinician's level 1 is the same as another's.
When we get to level 3, it's autism plus learning disability.

Look into what happened to Oliver McGowan and how he was treated. This Will tell you that labelling as high functioning or level 1 or low support needs isn't helpful because environments change presentation and regulation and levels muddies the waters for getting support and understanding .

I agree that the levels will not be 100% acurate but I think it's better than the current system. Not all level 3 autistic people have a learning disability, although most will.

I've just read about Oliver McGowan, and it doesn't look like levels made a difference. It is a lack of awareness towards autism and learning disabilities in general. Unfortunately, the care for autistic people is often still wildly inappropriate.

Amongst the other things, what exactly happened here?

During one of our closer encounters they held me so tight it nearly gave me respiratory problems

Hopelessly inexperienced wondering if it was the norm - spent my younger years working in hospitality industry (hotels) so just never met someone (aside from uncomfortable experiences) and before I knew it I’d spent 2 decades living alone kind of loving my own company. Then work from home previously (before joining the nhs and being on site for work) did something and cut me off.

We had a chat last night when it came up he doesn’t want children ever so it seems the way to break away. 🙏 we seem to need alcohol to get any further which I know is very bad thing.