Buying a house together when he does not want to marry

[HouseMouseSamosa]

Been with DP for 6 years. Absolutely love the man, I can’t fault him and we have never had any cross words. I love him more and more as the years go by. I have no doubt in my mind that he is my person, and I’ve never felt like that about anyone before.

I’m 45, he’s a bit younger. I have 2 DC, he has no children. My DC are 23 and 16 and still both live at home. I’m renting and he gets accommodation from work during the week.

He’s always been incredibly generous towards both me and my DC, he earns a lot more than I do and insists of paying for pretty much everything, eg holidays, meals out, if I stop at a fuel pump he’ll jump out and fill my car up and pay (he bought me the car too now I think of it). He really is the kindest person and never makes me feel bad or holds it over me, he treats me as an equal.

We are currently looking at buying a house together. I have some family inheritance, he has savings, together we have a large deposit (which would be 50/50 both of our money) We’ve talked about the mortgage and he would pay around 3/4 of it and I would pay 1/4 as I earn a lot less.

I am so happy that after a very slow burn, he is taking this huge step in commitment. However, one thing that bothers me is that he just won’t marry me. For not good reason other than he just doesn’t see the point. Both of us are pretty antisocial and I would genuinely hate the fuss of a big wedding, literally buggering off on holiday or going to the registry office with minimal people there would be my dream. But he just won’t and that makes me feel really sad.

I feel like if I go ahead with buying a house with him, there’s a lot of positives. A nicer place to live, something to leave my DC, security. But also I’d be giving up any hope of ever being married, as I know DP won’t do that. I’ve never bought a house before so I don’t really understand how the legalities work and whether being unmarried is going to be an issue, if/when one of us dies?

At the moment yes I am the one benefiting financially from the relationship, but in the future I will be getting a fair chunk of inheritance, whereas he’ll get nothing from his family, so long term things even out.

I know I’d be an idiot to leave him as at my age I’m not likely to find anyone better, and honestly he is one in a million, he’s a good man through and through.

I feel like this is a huge step for both of us and just need to know what we need to put in place, as we’re not married and sadly never likely to be.

You need to do some research on owning houses then, before you sign. Joint tenants or tenants in common? (Choose tenants in common) Will your deposit be ringfenced?

How old is your dp? Does he want children of his own? That would be my major concern if he doesn't want to marry you

It may be that he is so affluent, with so few drains on his income that he doesn't see the house as the major commitment you do.

How would you cope if the relationship failed and you suddenly found yourself having to sell, take your equity and find a new home? Would you and your dcs be ok? Are you giving up a secure tenancy?

I hope it works out, but suggest you think through a few what-ifs before you sign.

I would recommend tenants in common on the house deeds with 50/50 share as you’re both contributing equal deposits and then contributing equitably to the mortgage payments regardless of whether you are both on the mortgage loan or just he is.

I would insist on 50% tenants in common, but not joint tenants which is also 50/50 but the difference is if you die, he inherits your 50% of the house no matter what your will says and even unmarried. Tenants in common means so long as you are unmarried, your children inherit your 50% of the house both by order of precedence if no will and if you put in in your will. If he marries you while you are tenants in common, then he would be first in line to inherit your 50% under English & Welsh law…different rules for Scotland & NI. So get legal advice.

If the relationship fails, then there are options:
-he can buy you out at 50% of market value at time of split
-you can buy him out at 50% of market value at time of split
-you can both agree to sell and split the proceeds 50/50
-you or he can stay in the house and pay the other 50% of fair market rental value and split all maintenance costs 50/50 (very rare usually temporary until a child leaves home)
-if your kids are financially able & you split, they can buy out his half as an investment and then inherit your half when you die

I don’t think any tenancies are more secure than owning half a family home, except for social housing.

Will your deposit be ringfenced?
That only really matters if joint tenants and one has put down a significantly larger deposit than the other.

Tenants in common, and also make sure that you get a will done to protect your children (do not rely on intestacy rules), and get a deed of trust to set out all the possibilities and alternatives in case you break up in the future so that you can already have a decision about what would be done with the house in that event.

And keep an eye on the new consultation about cohabiting, because of they act on it, you might get stuck being "legally deemed as married", to which you would likely want to opt out because of your children and protecting their inheritance.

The house sounds like a red herring to be honest, take it out of the equation for the moment

The question is do you want to be married? You know he doesn't, so if it's important to you, then you're wasting you time in this relationship.

My DP doesn't want to marry me. I knew that within months of the relationship starting. She was engaged to someone who was very abusive to her before she met me, and as a result, the idea of being trapped in a marriage terrifies her. While I wouldn't mind being married, mostly for the practical aspects (I'd dread a big wedding!), it wasn't a deal breaker for me, so we built a life together.

You need to work out whether it's a deal breaker for you. Whether you can remain with this man, and not feel regretful and resentful that he won't marry you. You need to make it your decision. "I'm deciding marriage isn't for me, because I want to be with this man, and marriage isn't for him." And then you need to actually be able to live with that decision.

If you can do that, then you can start working out if buying a house together is the right move.

If you can't do that, then what really is the point of carrying on the relationship?

If he won’t marry you, you can buy the house as tenants in common so you each own a 50% share.

However you should make your wills since if he dies, his share would automatically go to his children, not to you. If he won’t marry you he either needs to write a will that directs his half of the house goes to you, or a trust can be created so you live in it but that half goes to his kids on your death.

You need to take proper advice. I suspect he may know this and that is why he won’t get married.

If he won’t marry you because he doesn’t fancy a wedding that is a bit frivolous given the implications of not being married. You can always do the legal ceremony that protects you.

Please never think you’d be an idiot to leave someone at your age. I left someone at 53. Much happier now.

There are other ways of going about protecting your finances. A Declaration of Trust is a common thing, get an appointment with a solicitor once you’ve got a property in mind and see what they can do for you.
It sounds like the marriage thing is disappointing for you though. When I first discussed this with my partner he wasn’t keen, but once we’d decided we weren’t having more kids (both have our own from previous relationships already) and not likely to buy a house any time soon, I made it very clear that marriage would be a necessity, and that I needed that level of commitment.

I do wonder if he might be holding off until he meets a younger woman who can give him children, and that is why he doesn't want to marry.

Some people just don't want marriage if you do then maybe he isn't the person for you . On the other hand if you are both happy why change it

Well, if you're happy to accept his decision then you should get professional advice to make sure you and your DC will be financially secure. Ensure everything you need is in place and watertight so you are never left with less than your fair share.

In your circumstances, I'd not be willing to accept anything less than someone who actively wanted very much to marry me. Regardless of how wonderful you insist he is.

The question is do you want to be married? You know he doesn't, so if it's important to you, then you're wasting you time in this relationship.

This is the real nub of the matter.
Think carefully, OP, because you could get into a big financial commitment with someone who isn't on the same page as you.

Before I married DH, I insisted on tenants in common. He has children, I don’t. I felt strongly that if something happened to him that it’s just a house and I’d be happy to sell to give his (at the time very young) children ‘his’ share.

we are many years married and soon to update to joint tenants. My reasoning is, if I pass away I don’t care what he does with ‘my’ share of the house. But if he passes before me, even though under current law I still WOULD inherit his share as his wife in theory, I just don’t need the drama any ambiguity would cause. It’s my home, I don’t want to have to leave it if something happens to DH. I’ve paid majority of the mortgage and financed all renovations, which has allowed DH to put away substantial savings for his children’s futures so I don’t feel conflicted about this. We’ve paid and will continue to pay a large life insurance premium with his children as beneficiaries.

it depends what you want to happen with your share if you died. If you’re happy for it to pass to him (without marriage) then joint tenants. If you want your children to inherit, then tenants in common.

but if you want to get married, tell him! He might not be as opposed as you think.

If you want marriage, tell him.

I hate to say it but if he has no strong reasons for not wanting to marry then he’s basically just taking the piss op. And unfortunately, the poster who said he is just waiting about for a younger model might not be wrong.

Tell him marriage is important to you.

It doesn’t have to be some big event. You could elope, even. But I think I’d want the security of marriage too before buying a house with anyone. Not to mention, it’s been six years. That’s long enough for him to know if you’re right together or not.

Your feelings are worth more than his lazy, dismissive attitude towards something that’s important to you.

But you need to be clear it is important to you.

My previous post was deleted so I’ll try again.

P**s off.

I know someone who was completely anti marriage but once the financial numbers were laid out in front of them of inheritance tax and the impact it would have on the living partner who would have to sell up etc then they arranged a small ceremony at a local register office with only 2 witnesses…might be worth talking through the scenarios you would both be happy with and how you, your children or him would be looked after in worst case scenarios. Maybe start by doing no the wills as part of the house purchase and summing up your total estates including pensions and what your wishes would both be. Would he take on your children?
could a civil partnership be acceptable to him? Or would you both be happy with a life insurance policy instead to protect the other person? Protection of income and lifestyle should someone become ill or worse should be your priority taking on a mortgage together.

You don't have to have a wedding to get married.
Being legally married has lots of advantages such as inheritance tax and making decisions without a PoA.

It's clear why he wouldn't marry you. He doesn't want you having access to his assets.

I used to be dead set on wanting marriage, but now i wouldn't even consider it!

After a very bad break up from my now semi long distance ex fiance (my desperate attempt at some commitment from him, he did not propose) in February, I can't think of anything worse than being legally tied to someone and unable to just walk away if they do something that is relationship ending. It took months for me to get out as i was being emotionally manipulated into financially supporting my ex after his mum down sized and so he lost his housing with her. He claimed due to mental ill health he couldn't work, but was denied PIP or LCWRA so only got base £400 a month UC. They only paid half his rent costs, so i was forking out at least £300 a month to cover rent short fall, his phone, internet, all food and drink, household essentials, toiletries, new clothes etc. I was never asked if i was capable or willing to pay (i wasn't, to either) just he's signed a lease and if he ended up in debt, or homeless, he'd kill himself.

He then confessed during a panic attack that he'd been lying to me our entire relationship about a porn addiction, when i'd been clear when in the talking stage i was anti porn and considered it cheating. He knew i'd "friendzone" him if he told the truth so he pretended to be asexual the first three YEARS we were together, wouldn't even kiss or cuddle, while doing that behind my back.

It took months to orchestrate my escape but i got out. Very damaged. If we were married i'd be tied to him for a lot longer and would have lost so much more especially financially, if he was entitled to half of everything i owned as he had nothing.

Even if i met a millionaire i wouldn't marry them, too scared of not being able to drop everything and walk away as a clean break at any time if i felt i needed to.

Ugh. The worst kind of man. Repulsive.

Jobless and manipulative.

Don't go for it as it's not what you want. You would be willing to have a very small wedding, so it's not about money/having a big spectacle.
Or what about civil partnership? And making it clear you're happy to have a prenup or whatever if that's what's getting him upset?