Buying a house together when he does not want to marry

[HouseMouseSamosa]

Been with DP for 6 years. Absolutely love the man, I can’t fault him and we have never had any cross words. I love him more and more as the years go by. I have no doubt in my mind that he is my person, and I’ve never felt like that about anyone before.

I’m 45, he’s a bit younger. I have 2 DC, he has no children. My DC are 23 and 16 and still both live at home. I’m renting and he gets accommodation from work during the week.

He’s always been incredibly generous towards both me and my DC, he earns a lot more than I do and insists of paying for pretty much everything, eg holidays, meals out, if I stop at a fuel pump he’ll jump out and fill my car up and pay (he bought me the car too now I think of it). He really is the kindest person and never makes me feel bad or holds it over me, he treats me as an equal.

We are currently looking at buying a house together. I have some family inheritance, he has savings, together we have a large deposit (which would be 50/50 both of our money) We’ve talked about the mortgage and he would pay around 3/4 of it and I would pay 1/4 as I earn a lot less.

I am so happy that after a very slow burn, he is taking this huge step in commitment. However, one thing that bothers me is that he just won’t marry me. For not good reason other than he just doesn’t see the point. Both of us are pretty antisocial and I would genuinely hate the fuss of a big wedding, literally buggering off on holiday or going to the registry office with minimal people there would be my dream. But he just won’t and that makes me feel really sad.

I feel like if I go ahead with buying a house with him, there’s a lot of positives. A nicer place to live, something to leave my DC, security. But also I’d be giving up any hope of ever being married, as I know DP won’t do that. I’ve never bought a house before so I don’t really understand how the legalities work and whether being unmarried is going to be an issue, if/when one of us dies?

At the moment yes I am the one benefiting financially from the relationship, but in the future I will be getting a fair chunk of inheritance, whereas he’ll get nothing from his family, so long term things even out.

I know I’d be an idiot to leave him as at my age I’m not likely to find anyone better, and honestly he is one in a million, he’s a good man through and through.

I feel like this is a huge step for both of us and just need to know what we need to put in place, as we’re not married and sadly never likely to be.

How old is he OP? Just curious as I wonder what marriage means to him, and whether his feelings towards it might change over time.

if marriage means “I give away my assets” then he might not change his view on that, for whatever reason, if this is his belief then it’s his belief.

if marriage means “I show my partner an extra layer of commitment” then he might change his mind - but I’d be interested to know his age first. I’m a similar age to you OP and have kids, so I’m not looking for the next best thing but I might have a little worry that DP is in a slightly different mindset depending on his age.

OP, what does he actually say when you talk about marriage?

Why do you want to be married? I personally agree with him, you don’t be having kids together.just buy as tenants in common and then do separate wills

Hi op why would you throw away a relationship that’s perfect for you. A marriage certificate won’t change to much as long as you sort out wills so your kids are safe if anything happens. As for your inheritance it will be yours not shared at the end of the day there is no guarantee of anything is there. So if you buy together just make sure your finances are in order.

You also need to think about what happens to your money if you die first. If you are tenants in common then the house automatically goes to your DP so your children will inherit nothing (unless he names them in his will, which he can change at any time) get some proper legal advice as they will work you through all the various scenarios, death, separation, meeting other people post death, all these things need to be looked at especially if you want to protect your children and your money.

Also people do change their minds - I was very anti marriage, with my partner for 25 years before we finally got married. It can happen! But if it’s important to you you need to be sure you can accept the current situation.

If marriage is super important to you, I am afraid you have to not buy the house and consider the relationship

As long as you protect yourself financially. I would go for it. Being married can be financially worth while. Does he want children? What were his previous relationships like.

Buying a house together and not being married is a perfect solution, get your deed of trust and wills sorted out and enjoy life

if the relationship ends one buys the other out of the house and life goes on without the legal wrangling of divorce

Dont do it
He will be using you to get on the property ladder only. I think you'll find his mask slips quite soon after purchase. If you do go ahead, which you would be batshit if you did. Ring fence everything of yours and for your children and get robust legal advice from the best possible legal professional independent of your partner

Marrying him would make your children worse off if you die first if you are tennants in common. If you’re joint tennants you get all the house if he dies first and he gets it all and your children get none if you die first

Would he agree to civil partnership

Is it a deal breaker...if you do decide to go ahead and buy a house together you must protect yourself .
It sounds a shame not to as you say he is a lovely man not everyone gets married but you must protect yourself and your children should it not work out x

I wondered about this too

'Does he want children of his own?'
OP is 45 years old so he will have to be thinking of getting shift on if that is the case won't he?! Yes I know it's infinitely possible to 'have' children much older than that these days but from OP's post I don't get the impression that is on the cards or the intention in this instance! 🙄

OP it's difficult to advise unless you clarify what 'a bit younger' means. The reasons for not wanting to get married if he's 40 will likely be different to if he's 25

Get independent legal advice before you decide. Think about: ringfence your contribution, agree your shares , look at how you hold it and inheritance and trusts and life interests . You do not want to buy with someone, not be married, not inherit and their kids force a house sale.

He doesn't have any children