Sister NC, is it possible to repair relationship?

[MightyS]

I went NC with my sister 2 years ago.
Not one particular thing but a series of irritating and annoying issues.
She made a joke at my expense one evening and I called her out on it and sent her a text telling her how I had felt about her for months. I will admit the text was harsh.

She apologised but I wasn't interested.

Shes totally pulled away from the family and I haven't seen her or her dc in 2 years.

Is it possible to rebuild our relationship? If so how?

Why do you want to rebuild the relationship? Would there be certain conditions that you'd set out regarding her behaviour towards you going forwards? What do you want from her?

Not being argumentative, I'm interested in your thoughts. Me and my sister now NC for over a decade.

I think a bit more info is required, but ultimately, do you want to build those bridges? I am NC with family members and I am very good with that but if you are not, what do you want? Think about the reasons you did what you did and decide what works for you.

To be honest, I was angry when i sent the texts.

I've been NC with most of my family at one point or another over the years.

The issue is my sister and her family no longer attend any family events and its affecting our parents.

Your post indicates that its your sister that went NC as she was the one that pulled back from family.

Did your parents support you in your email and the telling off of your sister?

From what you have posted its your sister that would have to want to stop being NC.

It is really hard to say @MightyS the two parties to a relationship need to want a reconciliation. I think as estrangements progress it is pretty common for people to get more entrenched in their perspective and if those perspectives cannot be accepted by the other person (more or less agree to disagree) there is likely to be ongoing tension.

So basically it is not impossible but by no means guaranteed.

I am NC with my family for the guts of a decade and I don’t think there is any willingness on either side to accept the other side’s perspective and I include myself in that very rigid position.

So it is sometimes not at all in a person’s interest or well being to make changes that definitely applies to my situation.

Why can’t she see your parents without you there

or did they take your side

She does see our parents but they dont attend any events i organise so I haven't seen her dc or gdc in 2 years.

No, it was my choice to go NC

I didn't email her, I told her how I felt by text.

Did you not realise that going NC with your sister would likely mean you wouldn’t see her DC/DGC?

If you’ve been NC with most of your family at some point, do you not see NC as permanent? I do.

If you go on and off no contact, your sister may have decided that she’s had enough.

Seems you hit the nuclear button instead of negotiating 2 years ago. If she annoyed you then, she will now. You could have thought about your parents 2 years ago and so could she, but neither of you did. Maybe get others to organise events and you don’t. She might come if you are not the queen bee.

While you may have instigated the NC, it sounds like she agrees it's a good idea. I guess whether you can repair it will depends on her and how she feels about you. You can reach out and test the waters.

Ah…. So did she say or did anyone tell you she didnt want to be NC with you?
it sounds more like she’s just as happy to have nothing to do with you!
why do you think she wants you back in her life?

If you really have cut contact with other members of your family, I wonder if it might be helpful to look for the common denominator in all of these situations?

Ah - similar to my sister. I’d kept her at arms length as her drama/passive agressive/fully volatile behaviour was impossible, she didn’t like that and on my birthday sent flowers with a ‘don’t bother with me unless…’ type note.

It was all I needed for the weight to be lifted and to stop walking on egg shells. I don’t think my just stepping back was the response she wanted.

maybe the fact you have gone NC with so many of your family points to it being a you problem?

Well isn't that what NC means? You don't see them, or attend events they are likely to be at.

You do sound very dramatic and hard work OP, , being NC with different family members at one time or another. One day someone will decide it doesn't matter what you want, they don't want contact with you.

I've been NC with most of my family at one point or another over the years.

This sounds like either you need to really work on how to handle relationships or to walk away yourself.

NC isn't a game. It hurts people, badly.

If you really mean that you want to be in contact with her, then it'd be best to learn a lot about how to express yourself constructively, handle conflict, set your own limits for a relationship and decide what you'll accept from others and stick to it. Taking quick umbrage isn't part of it; walking away from a conflict situation, calming down and then trying to resolve it is.

If that point comes then you know your sister best, and can probably guess whether a letter, a text or an in person visit is best. If you're unsure, a hand written letter might be best starting off with an apology and acknowledging that you handled the situation badly and you're sorry. A genuine apology can go a long way to building a bridge; without it, things never quite heal. After that acknowledging that you have been trying to do things differently will let her know that you won't handle a difficult situation in the same way again, which might give her the confidence to have a bit of faith in you.

Are your parents healthy people to be around? You said that you'd been NC with most of your family at one time or another. It seems likely that perhaps your family run on high-conflict and high-drama and this is how you've learned to relate to one another. If this is the case (again, this is just a guess) then maybe it's better if your sister does keep her distance. If it isn't and your parents are calm folk, then saying that you see how she's staying away is hurting them, and acknowledge that it's your fault but that you'd like to repair things for your own sake, but also for theirs.

If your sister is fundamentally reasonable then she might mull this over and get back in touch, and things might be repaired. If the original quarrel hurt too much or was the final straw, or if she runs on emotion and grudges, then she might not.

If she does then you'd better be damn sure that if you get angry with her again, you handle it differently. She almost certainly won't give you a third chance.

All you can do is lay your cards on the table, apologise, and hope.

If she's old enough to have grandchildren none of you can be young. Really time to take a good long hard look at yourself and how you handle things.

What did you think would happen when you decided to go NC? Of course you're not going to see her children and grandchildren. That was your choice!

It sounds like you threw all your toys out of the pram after a silly argument? She apologised and you didn't want to know.I guess you could reach out to try and make amends but I wouldn't be surprised if she knocks you back.

Why didn't you say it to her directly? What was to be gained by being a keyboard warrior?
You made that choice, looks like that is it. You would have known that this would have affected your parents when you made the choice.

So you got what you wanted in her being NC with you (but not the rest of the family).

So who wants her and her family at the events that you organise?
She sees your parents without you there, why does she need to be at the events that you organise?

To be honest, I was angry when i sent the texts.
I've been NC with most of my family at one point or another over the years

I don't think the problem is her.

All you can do is grovel. Contact her, tell her that you've grown up and realised that you were entirely wrong to react as you did, and apologise profusely.

But if you've done this with various members of the family over the years, be prepared for her not to believe you and/or not prepared to go through this again.

My brother's adult step-kids and their mum are like this. It's absolutely ridiculous. Not one of them can communicate without exploding and cutting each other off for some reason. It's exhausting.

Sounds like your the problem going nc with so many. Maybe grow up and learn to control yourself. We all say things in families and your sister did exactly what we do apologise and move on as normal but you take it further

What did you think would happen?! And how old are you all? It sounds very Eastenders or something.

What about events organized by others?