Torn between changed husband and other man

[FeeFee20]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and apologies in advance for it's length. I want to try and not leave out important details but also conscious of it not being too long.

The story is that I've posted about my relationship with my husband before. The overwhelming advice was to leave him. No abuse as such, although elements of emotional abuse possibly. I didn't leave him. Instead last December I got talking to a guy online as a form of escapism/validation/comfort/whatever. I told him that I was separating from my husband (not entirely true but we were not in a good place and I was hoping I would be strong enough to leave him in the new year). This guy is 10 years older than me (late 40s) divorced with no kids. He was very interested very quickly and we began texting daily. After about 3 weeks we met for a drink and we clearly really liked each other. We live about an hour away so couldn't meet very often as I have a child as well and the whole thing of course involved sneaking around. We did meet twice more for drinks and then eventually slept together twice, once staying over in a hotel.

I think it's safe to say that despite all my talk to him about me just looking for 'casual' and 'fun', I clearly developed feelings for him. After about 3 months though it obviously began to become apparent to him that this separation with my husband wasn't progressing and he ended up hurt and we ended things. I was devastated. Yes, more devastated about this man than the hurt I was doing to my husband. I went to therapy and after the first session came home and told my husband everything. He was naturally devastated and left for the night. He also managed to get AP's number from my phone and threatened to text him. I then text AP telling him what happened and if he could please ignore any communication from him. I think he then got his hopes up that we really were separating and contact resumed. I had assumed husband wanted nothing more to do with me, however he came back the next day and wanted to work on it.

Suffice to say, I agreed to work on things with my husband if he too could make changes (he fully acknowledges that he has unintentionally hurt me too). Therapy brought to the fore all of my childhood issues and how the dynamic with my husband sadly triggers a lot of old stuff. The connection with AP is especially strong as he brings the opposite and meets needs such as my need to be treated gently and respectfully and so on. He has never once asked or implied I leave my husband for him and refuses to get drawn into conversations about 'us' due to my 'situation'. He has simply been there consistently. The sexual attraction is a massive part of it all but not the whole thing. We continued on from that point in March, until things ended once again in early June. I again reached out to him telling him I missed him, totally aware that I was probably completing fucking with his head, not to mention my own. He responded kindly and compassionately but communication dwindled. I think the longest we've gone without texting is 8 days. He then reached out a couple of times to me with some simple message or question and then for the past month we've been right back to the almost daily messaging.

I haven't physically seen him since the end of April, and we haven't even spent that much time together in person really so I am aware that I can't say for sure that we would actually be good together. I'm posting this now because I sense contact dwindling a bit, with neither of us wanting to talk about 'it' and I feel that old sense of sadness coming back. I know from therapy that he is absolutely not 'the answer', but rather has shown me qualities in both myself, and in a partner that I really value. The problem now is my husband. He has made real, lasting changes since March, and probably before that really. My life, and my child's life would be so much easier if I could commit to him. I want to but it's as if I can't unknow what I discovered with this other man. I'm sure the advice is to leave my husband because I've been awful to him but I'm curious if anyone has experienced anything similar and can share their story.

How old is your child and what would be the impact on their lifestyle and happiness either way? They're the only thing that matters.

I think it was really selfish of you to continue to contact AP when you and your husband agreed to work on things.

If you bin off AP, what would stop you doing this again?

You've not been fair to either man in all honesty and I am sorry if that is not what you want to hear. You definitely need to knock it on the head with this other guy - all this breaking up, getting back, breaking up, getting back - you said it messed with your head, but it's not only your head being messed with is it? It's his too. So that just needs to end because you're not in a position to be able to give him anything at all at this stage, except confusion and uncertainty. He's a puppet on a string - surely you can see that?

In terms of your husband, only you know if four months of change is enough to represent a permanent change - to me it's really early days - but even so, the damage might already have been done no matter what he does now. I think you need to put a deadline on this - e.g. if he's made all of the effort and maintained it for X amount of time then you will also be prepared to properly make a go of it and put all thoughts of other men out of your mind. You will commit. If this idea sounds too awful to you then you already have your answer. In fact, the fact that you agreed to work on stuff and then contacted this other man is really telling.

I do feel sorry for your child because they need stability and while you are vacillating between two men then you're not giving them that. I know you'll say that they don't know what is going on, but children are very perceptive and they know when there's unrest in a household. It's the summer holidays, time to put your energy and efforts into their happiness first and foremost. And if your husband triggers childhood issues of your own then more therapy is needed.

“I know from therapy that he is absolutely not 'the answer', but rather has shown me qualities in both myself, and in a partner that I really value.”

well, there’s your answer on AP. Also stop stringing him along and have some respect for him and yourself in that situation. You’re not ready to commit to AP so don’t make as if you potentially might be.

As for your husband, you can’t say it’s lasting change because since March it’s been what… 4 months? I’d say lasting change is usually measured in years. Take it day by day and see how it feels. If you’re content, stay with it, if it’s still not right, explore life solo, and find another partner when you’ve worked out what baggage you’re carrying etc.

She is nearly 6. We are extremely close. My husband earns very good money and I work full time and earn a decent wage as well but his is a lot more. Of course her happiness and lifestyle would be effected - to what extent though I can't say. As a family we go on lovely holidays and she has a great lifestyle now. She is what stops me leaving although I know I probably use that as an excuse as my fear is what stops me really. I have made many fear driven decisions in my life really, including marrying my husband because he felt 'safe' and I knew he wouldn't leave me,

Yes I've been very selfish to AP also. I contacted him the night I told my husband about him, as he had got his number. At that point I thought things were finished between my husband and I.

You need to stop pissing other people about and grow up.
Make a decision, stick to it.
Perhaps some time without a partner would help you focus. I feel so sorry for DC.

I think you should separate. Don’t go to your affair partner though, leave him be. Live alone and devote yourself to giving your child a happy and fulfilling childhood.

Please don't introduce a strange man into your 5 year old daughter's life. I agree with the PPS, you should consider leaving your husband if you believe the marriage can't be saved but you should not have a relationship with the other man. You need to sort your head out and make sure you're giving your child the most stable home possible.

You can’t have your cake and eat it! I think you are treating all concerned badly, including your child who this will eventually impact on if you plan on giving them a step daddy. You haven’t given much detail about your husband? Was this intentional so we swayed towards the other man?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none so if you h had been emotionally abusive he needs to go.

Would you want your dad to be in a relationship like this?. No and you would want better for het.
Be on your own with your daughter, neither men here is right for you. Staying with your h for the supposed sake of your child will do both you and she no favours. Whose sake would you be staying for really because it could be argued it’s yours because it’s somehow easier.

Why have you made decisions based on a fear response ?. Presumably that all started in childhood and it needs addressing now in therapy.

Not at all. I probably would have given more detail on my husband if I wanted to do that. I've felt very lonely with him for a long time. We would be quite separate at home, doing our own thing, despite me asking him repeatedly for more closeness. He has also hurt me by at times being sort of mocking and dismissive of me in public. I've felt very embarrassed and even humiliated by him at times. He was also quite lazy as a father when our child was born, although improving as she gets older. This other guy is just the complete opposite. Mature, extremely smart and respectful. Things I really admire although I know of course he is absolutely not perfect and has openly said himself that he can be hard to live with. If I did end up with him, and that's unlikely now, I wouldnt introduce him to my child, and certainly not as a 'step dad' for a very very long time.

And you need to remain a mother to your child and not her best friend. All this we’re extremely close stuff can be stifling for your child who after all is only 5.

Thank you that extra context makes it clearer as to why you sought comfort elsewhere.

I actually think that maybe this new guy is either the guy you want or someone very much like him. Your husband changing for 4 months is classic & wont last i don't imagine. I would think separating & just being with your daughter is what will make you really happy, obviously still see this guy if your still drawn to him ,just don't introduce your daughter for a long while .Good Luck OP.

This is true. However, I probably worded that backwards. She is very close and attached to me. I mean that in comparison to her Dad. She loves him but her primary attachment is me. It's always been that way and is unsurprising due to his laziness with her really.

@FeeFee20 My wife had an affair, I discovered it, she resumed it (without my knowledge at first.) These events have had a huge impact on my life. Strangely, I'm not totally unsympathetic to your predicament.

I think you should either give things a proper go with your husband, or separate and stay single for a while and focus on your/your child’s life.

Also, your AP doesn’t have children - this is something to take into account, particularly if you’re assuming he would be a great step dad off the bat.

You sound like a complete mess tbh and as a result are making a mess of other peoples lives. I think you should leave both of them alone and work on yourself.

I doubt you'll listen though, just like instead of leaving last time as advised you started an affair instead. No doubt you'll just continue to stay with your husband, using him for the lifestyle he provides while tripping from one affair to the next.

Yes I'm not unaware of how this would impact my husband. Before this all started and I would talk to him about it not working, maybe we would be better off separating, he would say he may as well kill himself then. Which I found quite emotionally manipulative tbh, but of course it plays on my mind too.

That's interesting that you're not totally unsympathetic to my situation. Can I ask why?

God no I'm not assuming he'll be a great step dad at all. I have no information to suggest that and it's also not something I think about. I want my childs life to be as stable as possible, believe it or not.

Leave the poor man alone and concentrate on sorting your own life out. Whether you decide to stay with your husband or not, you're behaving terribly by involving the other man and messing him about.

@FeeFee20 Why am I not totally unsympathetic? Hard to explain in a few words. The simplest explanation is "shit happens". We can't expect to sail through life without some hardship. And - what does love mean? It means accepting the whole person, not just the bits you like or want - and I love my wife (and, difficult as it may be to accept, I know she loves me.) So - failure and mistakes are part of being human, and you've made a mistake, or failed, depending on how one looks at it, but that doesn't mean you've forfeited, in perpetuity, the right to be loved. It may mean, however, that the best course of action, for all, is to end your marriage. It's far too complicated to explain here, but I should have left my wife after the affair; not so much for the affair itself, but for what it represented. And, even if I'd done that, I'd have loved her until my dying day.

As for your husband's comment about suicide: a sign of emotional immaturity, perhaps? as is having an affair.

I don't think your in the right place to be offering anyone a relationship. Your marriage sounds over. Instead of choosing between guys stay single for a while and get your head on straight.

I think you are being unfair to AP. I think he is realistic that you will not have a relationship and I think it is too much to expect to stay friends. I do think that the odd text is keeping you hanging in case he wants to sleep with you again. Text him goodbye and wish him well then block and delete his number.

I don't think that you and your husbands relationship is healthy and I think perhaps it would be better for both of you to separate and certainly would be better for the five year old who by the sounds of things is growing up in a clearly unhappy home with unhappy parents. Then I think you need to remain single. Do a lot of therapy, stay single and focus on your child for a while.