Torn between changed husband and other man

[FeeFee20]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and apologies in advance for it's length. I want to try and not leave out important details but also conscious of it not being too long.

The story is that I've posted about my relationship with my husband before. The overwhelming advice was to leave him. No abuse as such, although elements of emotional abuse possibly. I didn't leave him. Instead last December I got talking to a guy online as a form of escapism/validation/comfort/whatever. I told him that I was separating from my husband (not entirely true but we were not in a good place and I was hoping I would be strong enough to leave him in the new year). This guy is 10 years older than me (late 40s) divorced with no kids. He was very interested very quickly and we began texting daily. After about 3 weeks we met for a drink and we clearly really liked each other. We live about an hour away so couldn't meet very often as I have a child as well and the whole thing of course involved sneaking around. We did meet twice more for drinks and then eventually slept together twice, once staying over in a hotel.

I think it's safe to say that despite all my talk to him about me just looking for 'casual' and 'fun', I clearly developed feelings for him. After about 3 months though it obviously began to become apparent to him that this separation with my husband wasn't progressing and he ended up hurt and we ended things. I was devastated. Yes, more devastated about this man than the hurt I was doing to my husband. I went to therapy and after the first session came home and told my husband everything. He was naturally devastated and left for the night. He also managed to get AP's number from my phone and threatened to text him. I then text AP telling him what happened and if he could please ignore any communication from him. I think he then got his hopes up that we really were separating and contact resumed. I had assumed husband wanted nothing more to do with me, however he came back the next day and wanted to work on it.

Suffice to say, I agreed to work on things with my husband if he too could make changes (he fully acknowledges that he has unintentionally hurt me too). Therapy brought to the fore all of my childhood issues and how the dynamic with my husband sadly triggers a lot of old stuff. The connection with AP is especially strong as he brings the opposite and meets needs such as my need to be treated gently and respectfully and so on. He has never once asked or implied I leave my husband for him and refuses to get drawn into conversations about 'us' due to my 'situation'. He has simply been there consistently. The sexual attraction is a massive part of it all but not the whole thing. We continued on from that point in March, until things ended once again in early June. I again reached out to him telling him I missed him, totally aware that I was probably completing fucking with his head, not to mention my own. He responded kindly and compassionately but communication dwindled. I think the longest we've gone without texting is 8 days. He then reached out a couple of times to me with some simple message or question and then for the past month we've been right back to the almost daily messaging.

I haven't physically seen him since the end of April, and we haven't even spent that much time together in person really so I am aware that I can't say for sure that we would actually be good together. I'm posting this now because I sense contact dwindling a bit, with neither of us wanting to talk about 'it' and I feel that old sense of sadness coming back. I know from therapy that he is absolutely not 'the answer', but rather has shown me qualities in both myself, and in a partner that I really value. The problem now is my husband. He has made real, lasting changes since March, and probably before that really. My life, and my child's life would be so much easier if I could commit to him. I want to but it's as if I can't unknow what I discovered with this other man. I'm sure the advice is to leave my husband because I've been awful to him but I'm curious if anyone has experienced anything similar and can share their story.

@LochSunart Last comment not needed

None of it's 'needed', but I think what I said was reasonable.

This is strongly worded but I agree. You clearly have a lot more work to do on yourself - no shame in that. You have caused a huge amount of hurt with the drama and the dithering you've done. Please unpick this in therapy and understand what led you to this point in your life

Keep your family in tact. The new relationship isn’t real, it’s based on excitement and escape. It’s easy for new guy to be what you need him to be very part time. Move in with him and deal with the day to day and it will be a whole different situation.

Honestly? You’re a mum to a 6 year old girl, stop messing everyone around and give her stability. Leave your husband if you need to but stay grounded.

Hi OP I can completely relate and empathise with your situation. Feel free to DM if you like without getting flamed as I have been on the receiving end of that myself and it’s not a nice feeling. You only have one life and deserve happiness

You barely know affair man .
He lives one hour away. Not convenient.
But divorce.
Set up with sharing dd with her dad.
See AP on your single days when dd is with her dad. See what happens .
Divorce might make dh step up with dd on his contact weeks

Thanks to everyone who has responded.
I know I've messed both the OM around and of course my husband. I too hurt myself in this process.

It's not even that I'm trying to choose between one or the other. I know the right course of action is to continue working on myself so that I can break out of this need for validation and make better decisions.

My therapist isn't convinced that I'll be happy on my own if I leave my husband and don't end up with OM. She thinks I'll feel lonely and she's right. I don't want to make decisions either from a place of loneliness or fear.

Can anyone relate to that and if so, what really helps? More therapy I suppose. It's a long road though isn't it. Without any short cuts or dompanine highs unfortunately.

Your responses are very much about you, even when you acknowledge the hurt you bring it back to you. You seem to want to stay for the lifestyle. Leave, let your husband live his life and you can live yours whatever that maybe. Just be more self aware and ensure someone neutral is also available as support for your young daughter.

Start the divorce and just forget blokes altogether.
The happiest section of society are single (childfree, which doesn't apply here) women. The analysing and dramatics you're engaging in, between the lover and your abuser serve no purpose and aren't enhancing your life.

What is the point of working on your marriage while secretly carrying on the affair?

Absolutely nothing wrong with feeling lonely. At least you’re not messing about people that way. There are worst things to be than to be lonely, or single!

Not sure why you quoted me?

I think you’ve already made your mind up if i’m honest, you tasted the fruit from another tree and you liked it, i doubt you can continue with your husband without thinking what would have been. It’s a tough decision but you’ve already shown that you can’t be faithful so you might as well move on and save your husband from further pain and deceit.