Potential relocation London to Bristol following separation - advice please!

[ecologist111444]

Hi all,
I could really do with some advice. I am 48, m, and currently going through a separation having been together since 2003, married since 2012. We have a beautiful 13 year old daughter together. There is been no intimacy or sex in the marriage for over 4 years.

I was born in London but went to school in Bristol (11-18). My sister lives in Bristol and I have two very good friends who live on the fringes of Bristol. My parents live about 40 minutes from Bristol. I also have cousins/uncles in Bristol but we're not that close. My daughter was born in London and goes to school here. We have a good social network and friends but I have no close friends. My wife is German and her mum lives in Germany, we also have friends in Germany.

I have not felt 'settled' in London for some time. There are times I love being here but others I don't. It still feels like a transient place to me and I still find it overwhelming at times. I have always said Bristol is the only city I would consider moving to if I were to move from London. At my age I'm also worried about a career move if I leave it much longer. If I were to move I clearly wouldn't see my daughter as often, possibly only every fortnight or so which would be horrendous.

I guess I'm looking to hear from people who have been through this and to understand what this might actually look like if I did make the move.

Not me but SIL’s close friend moved with her DD (about 11 or 12) to Bristol as a single mother a few years ago. She got a job as a lawyer, rented then bought her house and is now married with a young daughter but moved out of Bristol. I recall visiting her and staying with her not long after she’d moved there and she showed us around. She sent her DD to a local private secondary school as she could afford this.

In your case with family and friends and knowing the area yes I’d move back. Your daughter is the right age for a move.

decent fathers don’t move several hours away and leave their teen. Make the best of your current location or move somewhere closer.

Hi @Dozer I am a decent, loving and thoughtful Dad. I have a friend who moved from Oxford to London and it worked out okay, the parents have an excellent relationship which I think really helped. I am also trying to not appear selfish throughout all of this and putting my needs first. London though can be a really hard place to live, I've been there since 2003 and I'm done with it. I know people will have very different views on this.

I think actively choosing to see so little of your daughter is going to be very damaging for her, especially at an age where teenage insecurities and challenges arise. In her eyes, she’ll very likely see it as her dad choosing to abandon her in favour of his own comfort. Apart from anything else, it’s not fair to expect your ex wife to shoulder the majority of the childcare with you making flying visits the occasional weekend.

You both need the opportunity to rebuild your individual lives, but not at the expense of a child nor your ex wife. Post-divorce is an excellent opportunity for you to make new friends and explore new hobbies during the time you don’t have your daughter so you have more connections and a network where you are. You might be tired of London, but your priority needs to be your daughter’s needs, at least for the next few years until she’s an older and more independent teenager and perhaps naturally begins to show less interest in spending time with either of her parents in favour of her friendships.

You might have been those things to date, but would indeed be selfish to move and it’d not benefit your teen DD.

Your friend’s DC who did it may or may not be OK, but that’s anecdote.

I’ve lived in London and know it’s costly and has its downsides. Doesn’t justify what you’re planning, at the age your DC is.

A good father doesn’t move hundreds of miles away and see his daughter once every two weeks. If you’re expecting her to come and visit you, you might be in for a shock - she’s not going to spend her older teenage years spending every other weekend away from her friends. She’ll feel you’ve abandoned her. It’s only 4 or 5 more years till she’s an adult, suck it up like the adult you actually are.

I would never move hours away from my daughter. I’d want to be an active and involved parent. I think you need to consider your daughter’s needs over your own. In 5 years she may be away to uni so I’d wait until at least then.

It’s Bristol not Australia!

Im sure @ecologist111444 will remain a supportive parent and see his dd as often as possible.

And you haven’t indicated whether you’d expect you to travel to London or your daughter to travel to Bristol. I live in London and my parents live in Bath, so I know the journey well. Door to door it’s not a reasonable journey to expect a young teenager to have to make twice a month for a weekend when she’ll be tired from the school week on Friday and gearing up for the next by Sunday afternoon; and as Starrylawn says as she gets older expecting her to miss out on things with her friends at the weekend because she has to be away isn’t going to work, either.

The OP has said moving would mean not seeing their DD often, possibly once a fortnight. So obviously the move would not be with DD as they would be staying with their mother.

You forgot the bit about the new woman you’d be moving closer to. Would it be fine if your daughters mum moved her 100s of miles away to be closer to a new man?

You won’t see your daughter even as much as EOW as a teen will refuse to do that, she’ll want to be in her home town and see friends etc. Also it’s selfish to inflict the long journeys on her regularly. She’ll have GCSEs soon enough and will definitely not want to spend time traveling.

So if you move you’ll basically lose her, odds on. Wait til she’s 18. Learn to love London, there is always more to discover

Hi all, please can you comment on the other thread. I have deleted this thread. Thanks.

For info, Re @Jellycatspyjamas post - op has a parallel thread in which he says he has met someone who makes him happy and she lives in Cornwall 🤨 "https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5559336-i-really-dont-know-what-to-do-re-separation-and-move-what-should-i-do"*

But what about if the mother moves, with children of course, or in some cases because of housing they go far away, for example if they are moved etc. Is the father supposed to move there, or nearer by. I ask in a non judgmental way, as I know men who live all over the place, and kids hours away. So they see them fortnightly like the OP has said, I think also because of other reasons too. Then there are some who are supposed to be in a long term serious relationship, have a child or children with their partner, and just go to see them/stay at the weekends, another situation that I can not understand.

Not sure if that was a dus link or a dud poster (me) sorry. Maybe this will work? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5559336-i-really-dont-know-what-to-do-re-separation-and-move-what-should-i-do

It’s the same post isn’t it?

Yes, don't know why he did two 🤷

I’m sorry you’re unhappy.

Whatever you do, please try to put your teenage daughter first. You, as her Dad, are the model for how she will expect to be treated by all other men in her life. You’ll want to demonstrate that you love her and want her company as much as possible and will put her interests as your child first, way ahead of any other considerations especially at this time of upheaval for her when her life is being changed by her parents. It’s absolutely critical that she doesn’t feel abandoned by you in any way.

Teens can be a real pain and appear distant but - they really need their parents as much - if not more - than toddlers - and there just isn’t a substitute for being there. My own dad turned down a lucrative and much wanted promotion in my teens which would have meant him living away from my brothers and I during the week. He’d seen other kids go off the rails when their fathers did similar - or relationships deteriorate. My dad is old now and I’m all grown up - we’re still close. He has always been there for me - my protector, my guide, my shoulder.

If you need to move away from your current area, does it need to be a couple of hours of train journey away? Do take travel time into account. The teens who do best are those who can visit both mum and dad on an impromptu basis.

@EvelynBeatrice thanks, a very thoughtful post. Could you move it to the other thread I created? I've tried to delete this one.

In contrast to the choice your Dad made, my Dad did choose the promotion and it meant that as a teenager I didn't see him in the week and I am not as close to him as it sounds you are with yours.

Ah ok fair enough. I expect it will vanish if you have reported it.