How do you make peace with the fact that you didn’t get the mother that children deserve?

[ScaredButUnavoidable]

I’m 42 and I have no idea what it feels like to experience love from a mother.

Throughout my life I have tolerated awful behaviour from my mum but I ignored it, buried my head in the sand, refused to see it for what it truly was and just got on with life because “she’s my mum”. I’ve always known she’s not “normal” in terms of how she is with people, we all used to just laugh it off or make excuses, but the truth is that she’s selfish, manipulative and cruel. Always has been.

I had an epiphany over a year ago when things really came to a head between us and apart from a few very awkward (and unwanted encounters/texts) I haven’t seen or spoken to her properly for 15 months. I’ve been in counselling for a year which has helped me so much but there’s no escaping her in my mind.

I come from a large family so although I don’t see or speak to her, they still do so she’s still mentioned every now and then, plus she still plays her mind games and tricks to remind me that she’s still out there.

Her dad (who I can now see is exactly the same as her in character) has pretty much turned on me for cutting my mum out my life as she’s his Golden Girl, she can do no wrong. Even though he knows exactly how awfully me and my sister were treated by her when we were children (and teenagers, and adults). He says my mum is “just a complex character” and “he’s the only one who understands her” so he doesn’t know why I can’t just let it go (my anger).

My mum’s sister is a wonderful support to me though snd she said that my mum never, ever deserved me and my sister. Even my nan (my mum’s mum) said that she (my mum) should never have had children because of the harm she did to us, and still does.

I know there are mothers all over the world who treat their children like crap but it’s so horrible being one of them. I see people around me who have such loving and positive relationships with their mothers and I feel so happy for them but at the same time I’m always thinking, “I wonder what it must have been like to grow up as a child/teenager having a mother who really loved you and who you could trust, who would protect you and one that you know you could go to.”

The concept of that is alien to me.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Is anyone going through it or come out the other side?

Yes. My mother alienated her own mother, and her own sister and we are now NC.

It is awful to grow up knowing that the one person who is supposed to love you no matter what, doesn’t love you at all, and is deriving pleasure from hurting you.

Counselling and complete NC are what has worked for me. When she dies I will just feel relieved.

Sometimes we just don’t get the family we deserve. My mum was lovely and it was an absolute privilege caring for her when she became ill. But after she had gone I began to realise I didn’t have the sibling I deserved. My sister has done things to me that I don’t even have enemies capable of doing. I forgave her but years later she did something even worse that I can never forgive. It’s a sad realisation that you just don’t have the family you deserve but you can never change other people. I went no contact and protected my own peace instead.

I have a mother who love bombs and always has done as she’s petrified of being abandoned.
Shes been paranoid my entire life and since my dads unexpected death (they hadn’t been together for over 30 years) loads of stuff came out of the woodwork about how she’s lied and deceived to keep me close to her and away from my dads side of the family though she never stopped me seeing them.. the damage was already done.

I keep my mother at arms length. I try and treat my kids differently to how I was treated. I let my kids question me or call me out on things.
I apologise to my children if needed and never follow up with a “but”.
My kids don’t like her very much and can see straight through her tactics of trying to play one off against the other.
I'm sorry you didn’t get the mother you deserved and I hope the therapy continues to help.
All we can do as children of our mothers is to not be anything like them.

Yes. My mum was worse than having no mum at all. I too grieved the childhood I never had. Once she died, quite young, I then had to accept that there was no chance of her ever apologising for any of it.

You might find this other active chat helpful
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5558807-for-asking-for-help-to-deal-with-this-endless-grief-of-growing-up-neglected?page=3&reply=153767993

There are lots of us around. I take comfort in having broken the cycle.

I have detached emotion from our relationship, understood that I will never receive anything good emotionally from her. I don’t expect anything from her, so I’m not surprised or hurt when I don’t get anything. It’s much easier now I’m not disappointed or hurt anymore.

I am a good daughter to her for my own sake, not for hers.

I also reparent myself, to an extent. I had to learn to be nice to myself, to look after my health, to value myself and at times big myself up.

I can relate to your experience. I have been through many times when I had no contact with mine. I recently stepped back again and hope to keep it that way. My father always supported her over us. My aunt, my mother's sister, was lovely, rather like yours. I spent a long time in talking therapy trying to make sense of it because it ate into me badly. She needs blind obedience and loves spreading malicious lies and firing out putdowns that can be staggeringly hurtful. It's easier on me to stay way. I'm sorry this has been happening to you.

I’m in the same boat as you been NC with my mum for 2 years. I don’t know how you get over it. We have never had a normal relationship that I see other people around me have with their mothers. She has never been interested in me, or my 2 DC so they don’t have a relationship with her as a grandparent which makes me more sad than it does about me not having a proper mother. My brother was her favourite and he has passed away so since that happened she probably thinks in her head her favourite one has gone anyway.
I am loving and caring to my 2 DC and tell them they can tell me anything and come to me about anything. I’ve had to break the cycle. It’s a learned behaviour from my grandma as they used to go periods without speaking.

Sympathies op, it’s very tough. My DM doesn’t sound as “bad” as yours but sometimes I think because it’s not cut and dried it’s harder as I’m constantly confused and hopeful and let down and angry and baffled and questioning and hopeful again… you get the idea…

I think the early years of realizing what you don’t have, and thinking back to all the things and understanding it through the lens of therapy and distance, gives you a perspective that is important but painful.

DH and I have fairly loose/distant relationships with most of our (small) family tbh and it’s hard, it hurts and I’m petrified that my own DC will think that’s normal and grow apart from us as they get older.

I often wonder what it would’ve been like to grow up surrounded by healthy nurturing relationships with loads of love, just how boosting that must be for your confidence and self-worth - concepts that both DH and I have struggled with in different ways.

However, at some point I have to tell myself that I can’t blame others for how I am, I need to do my own work to get through it and, most importantly for me is to do more of what I please. I was taught to put my DM before my own feelings and I don’t anymore. I refuse to be ruled by FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) so I live in peace knowing that my actions are what are best for me and my family.

We also live abroad so having geographical as well as emotional distance, helps! In fact I highly recommend it!

There was DV and alcohol from my dad growing up. In turn, my mother made us suffer.
My excuse for her behaviour was that she had a shit life because of my dad.

We kids had a shit life because of them both.

NC for around 12 months with her now, she doesn’t seem to have noticed. There’s been no effort to contact me anyway.
My dad has turned his life around, remarried, does not drink, no violence and is the kind of dad in his new family that I wish he had been with us. I have LC with him.

There was poor MH. We had a thoroughly miserable childhood because of it.

Yes I never had a relationship with mine, I was brought up by my dad and hadn’t seen or spoken to my mother in the ten years before she passed away. I overcome it now by pouring all my love into my two children and appreciating that they’ll never have the same experience. I often think that’s the reason why I was always so desperate to have children in the first place

It’s very difficult but ultimately it’s about weaving it in to a life narrative for yourself that you can accept. Does that make sense? The story of your life includes this thing and that’s just how it is.

it sounds like you might be in the earlier stages of accepting that this happened to you, which involves a lot of big feelings.

but ultimately life is full of sad things and people have to find a way to live with them

Exactly this. Good post. I also find it helps to view my parents as children who never grew to emotional adulthood because they were also themselves poorly parented in deprived and dysfunctional environments, and didn't grow up enough to grasp this and break the chain. I, however, have.

The way I look at it is, I don’t know what it’s like so I can’t miss it. I’m just proud of who I am now because of it

48 here when I finally saw for myself that she was doing the same to my children i
suddenly grew a back bone she also told me I should of stayed with my abusive ex it’s been 4 years now she still tries but doesn’t get through the day she leaves this earth will be the best day ever x

I have a complex relationship with my mother too. I'm 37 now, she had me when she was a teen. We're not at all close and she's been with my step dad for 30 years, who called all the shots and was a big fat bully! If you will, I was a textbook step child. They did not provide for me emotionally on any level and if we're being honest, they were emotionally abusive.

I've actually been having therapy for the last 18 months, not originally for this, but of course it takes up a lot of therapy time when you get into it. Where I've landed so far, after many months of thinking and processing, is that it's on them that we don't have a good relationship, I was a child and not the one responsible for a healthy family dynamic. It doesn't change the grief that comes with it, but it takes away the feeling of guilt and burden.

NC helped me a lot but it still took time. Also it helped make me so much more aware of how I am with my own DC.

I cut my mother out my life moved on, i have NO feelings whatso ever for her.

I'm so sorry you didn't have the mother you deserved 😔 some people really shouldn't be parents, they just don't have the capacity to love, protect and care for anyone.

I hope that the therapy you've had has helped you to know that it's her failing and not yours. The relationship wasn't and isn't your responsibility to manage. You can walk away and protect yourself with absolutely no guilt or shame.

Reaching this acceptance that your mother is a damaged person who doesn't have the capacity to be the parent you deserve will hopefully bring you some peace. It's ok to feel sad that you didn't have what you needed - it is sad. But don't let that sadness overshadow what you have now and what you have made of your life despite everything. You deserve happiness so focus on the here and now. The past is the past and you can't change that. But your present and your future are in your hands 💐

Low contact or no contact really helps. It's tricky and it's complicated for most of us.
I've had lots of therapy and mostly have accepted it. There will just be the odd thing that creeps up on me when I'm off guard. Mostly I don't miss what I've never had but every now and then someone will assume I have a mum/family that fits the stereotypical mold. Sometimes in hospital or schools they assume everyone has support. Sometimes my dh will get a text from his mum just wanting to know how he is and it reminds me that's what's normal. Not the alcohol fueled texts that make no sense that I get.

Mostly I just find it sad my children don't have many people that care for them. I do aim to slowly build a community of friends but that's not easy either.

I don't think any of us have it all completely figured out just trying to do the best we can. Re parent ourselves.Whilst it can feel very very wrong it's not wrong to put yourself first. Do what you need op.

Agree entirely with this.

My mum is on end of life care and I'm also facing that she's never going to apologise to me (or DS who lately she refused to be in the same room/car as).

Just to add to my earlier comments, be aware that our upbringing makes us somewhat vulnerable to problems as adults. Lack of self worth, lack of self. We can feel obliged to earn any attention or kindness shown to us, and we may not notice bad behaviour as early as someone else might.

So we’re at risk of being taken advantage of in all sorts of ways.

It does. And we are. But it is NOT inevitable, we do not have to follow that path. We can choose better for ourselves. A persons value never comes from anyone else, be they parent, spouse or friend. Value comes from within, it’s an internal choice.

I should add, it took me about 30 years to realise that!