How do you make peace with the fact that you didn’t get the mother that children deserve?

[ScaredButUnavoidable]

I’m 42 and I have no idea what it feels like to experience love from a mother.

Throughout my life I have tolerated awful behaviour from my mum but I ignored it, buried my head in the sand, refused to see it for what it truly was and just got on with life because “she’s my mum”. I’ve always known she’s not “normal” in terms of how she is with people, we all used to just laugh it off or make excuses, but the truth is that she’s selfish, manipulative and cruel. Always has been.

I had an epiphany over a year ago when things really came to a head between us and apart from a few very awkward (and unwanted encounters/texts) I haven’t seen or spoken to her properly for 15 months. I’ve been in counselling for a year which has helped me so much but there’s no escaping her in my mind.

I come from a large family so although I don’t see or speak to her, they still do so she’s still mentioned every now and then, plus she still plays her mind games and tricks to remind me that she’s still out there.

Her dad (who I can now see is exactly the same as her in character) has pretty much turned on me for cutting my mum out my life as she’s his Golden Girl, she can do no wrong. Even though he knows exactly how awfully me and my sister were treated by her when we were children (and teenagers, and adults). He says my mum is “just a complex character” and “he’s the only one who understands her” so he doesn’t know why I can’t just let it go (my anger).

My mum’s sister is a wonderful support to me though snd she said that my mum never, ever deserved me and my sister. Even my nan (my mum’s mum) said that she (my mum) should never have had children because of the harm she did to us, and still does.

I know there are mothers all over the world who treat their children like crap but it’s so horrible being one of them. I see people around me who have such loving and positive relationships with their mothers and I feel so happy for them but at the same time I’m always thinking, “I wonder what it must have been like to grow up as a child/teenager having a mother who really loved you and who you could trust, who would protect you and one that you know you could go to.”

The concept of that is alien to me.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Is anyone going through it or come out the other side?

It took me about 30 years to notice! I thought an early trauma was the cause of some difficulties I experienced, and that I had some bad luck. I finally realised that my upbringing was the root trauma, that left me vulnerable to later traumatic situations.
And even when you notice and understand, undoing the habits is a life long work! I’m still inclined to people please at my own expense.

I’m not sure I’ve fully made peace with it but what’s helped me to move on somewhat is by reframing it. I had a rubbish mum, what happened happened and couldn’t have gone any other way because as a result it made me determined to be a very different mum to my own kids and break the cycle. I try to see it as something I had to go through so my kids can benefit from what I learned in the process, I don’t think I’d be as good a mum as I am if I hadn’t had the childhood I had.

It took me far too long to realise my mother was psychologically abusing me and didn’t really care for me. She didn’t even care how coldly she came across in front of social workers (actually refusing to cuddle her own child).

She put me in an impossible position; a new half sibling to older siblings who clearly didn’t want me there, and also made me ‘less than’ to my younger sibling. My father… well, let’s not go there.

Making peace with any of it has been really hard. In an attempt, the first step was going absolute NC with my mother and my siblings. As above, the ‘caring’ relationship with them just doesn’t exist. I actually felt one of (what I mistakenly thought was) my closest siblings, go cold and distant on me when I was pregnant with one of my DC’s, for seemingly no reason (they have lots of DC who I loved and regularly babysat, so their apparent disinterest in my DC, stung). There was no coming back from that.

I tried to have better relationships with some of the other half siblings that I’ve met literally once or twice. Not interested. Again, probably for the reasons above.

Marrying my DH and seeing how close-knit his family was really opened my eyes to how ‘not okay’ my family situation was. I vowed to never treat my children as I’ve been treated, much like another commenter. My DCs know they are loved and can talk to me. I try my hardest to treat them fairly, too.

There have been a few attempts by them to break NC for one frivolous reason or another, but I’ve kept my guard up - ‘protecting my peace’ (or not subjecting myself to more hurt and frustration). Cliché, I know.

I also know I need plenty of therapy, but that is something I don’t know if I’m ready for.

*edit - typo