Algerian husband anyone? Help!

[Anon585]

I'm looking for people who are married to Algerian men or who understand that culture who might be able to share/relate to my experiences.
So I have been married to my Algerian husband for 14 years, we share four sons.
Last May, his brother was arrested in Algeria on dr*g charges and has been on remand in prison there ever since. I feel like this situation has bought out the worst in our marriage although there are so many other issues.
Last year he spent a total of three months (not all in one go) in Algeria looking after his parents, brother's wife and kids and brother's court case, following the arrest.
He has left full time work and now works as a freelance agency chef in order to facilitate regular trips to Algeria. This has caused financial strain and long periods on lone parenting (he's just returned from another trip last week) my family don't live close by so it's just me looking after the boys.
Last year, he also moved out for two months after he left because I was 'fake' and unsupportive for disagreeing that he should leave work and travel regularly abroad. His parents also labelled me a 'trouble maker' over this.
I do 95% of the parenting (cooking, cleaning, homework, bathing) as a well as taking children to sports and looking after their emotional needs. He says I'm lazy and unclean ( his mother bleaches the floor every morning) and that I do nothing.
He's trying to push me back into work, as he resents financial responsibility despite the fact our youngest two are babies, whilst saying that he won't quit work to facilitate me getting a job.
He's moved out and travelled abroad about 5 seperate times in the past two years and our eldest son, in particular is very angry with him and feels abandoned, yet he struggles to understand this saying he should ' respect him above all else'.
We got married in an Islamic bookshop with two strangers as witnesses and later in the registry office for his visa obligations. No wedding, no dress, no honeymoon. At the time I was only 21, I'm not materialistic so didn't mind too much but the marriage has reap no rewards for my sacrifices.
We're living in poor accommodation, he has no drive or motivation, happy to scrape-by or 'just survive ' that's life, he says. I'm currently undertaking a degree course in the evenings and want to buy a home but doesn't mind going with the wind. He even wants to become a UK national to claim benefits which I find really hard to understand as I consider that to be people's last resort.
We've never celebrated a anniversary, valentine's day or my birthday or mother's day, he says these things don't matter.
I think we're just fundamentally different with very different values but it's weird as he started out nicer and more caring. Now it's like he has zero commitment to the boys and I.
I'm Christian and Muslim so I think we had very fundamental difference ideas on responsibility and what's important, but in the first few years these things didn't really come up, maybe the more you know someone your get down to their core?
He's also very individualistic, self serving would rather spend a day off alone than with the kids and I.
Is anyone's experience similar, are these fundamental cultural differences or is he just a crappy person. The marriage is pretty much over but I need some insight into what his thought process might be, for the sake of our children.

Get a divorce and make sure he hasn’t got access to your sons psssports!!

Cultural differences aside there are fundamental things in your marriage which don't work- you do all the childcare, and household work he should help with that- it's 2026 no matter where he is from. He makes fundamental decisions like leaving work and travelling without any reference to you or what your family needs- he is basically spanding your families wealth and comfort to support his family in Algeria, this is not acceptable the family he has built should come first, again no matter where he is from.
he is happy to scape by, no one who has children should be happy to scrape by- why did he have children if this is his attitude, again nothing to do with culture.
It lookds to me as if minor cultural differences are being weaponised against you by both you husband and his wider family.
On one hand he is always siting cultural differences but he wants to be a UK national so he can claims benefits- he seems to be a lazy waster, which I'm afraid cuts across cultural barriers, I would consult a family law solicitor about divorce sooner rather than later, otherwise you and your children will have precarious financial lives, you need to earn yourself bcause your DH has made it very clear he is not interested in doing so.

So he married you to get a visa?

My primary concern would be the possibility of him taking the kids to Algeria ostensibly on holiday and not coming back. I don't know the rules about getting an Algerian passport for minors, but it's something you should check out, and also check if Algeria is signed up to the Hague Convention.

That's the only aspect of his Algerian nationality/culture that I would be very wary about. Then divorce him with suitable legal advice.

Don't use nationality as a way to excuse this shitty behaviour

Even if it was cultural (and I’m not suggesting it is) - surely it’s irrelevant? You don’t want to be treated like this and you live in a country where you don’t have to be. Time for him to go!

Yes, we're legally married.

Great. Cultural or not, he's not bringing anything positive to your life. Divorce him.

It could be his culture, it could be that he’s just a shit parent and husband. Either way it’s not working for your family and you’re perfectly entitled to end things. Then he can spend as much time as he wants back and forth.

Hide the children's passports. Divorce him.

Thanks for all your comments. I think it's been a hard to reconcile wasting so many years waiting for something to change and waiting to be recognised or rewarded for making many sacrifices and changes. Even harder, accepting that will never happen.
I think upon reflection, I try to find justification for how the marriage went and dwelving into what factors could contribute to his actions and decisions.
The situation also brings up feelings of being unlovable especially since my own family never showed up for me either and that's hurtful to think the cycle could continue with my kids.
I think accepting and moving on is a big part of it.
I want non-shitty people in my life!
I'm sure they're out there just need to look for them.
I never let my kids out of my sight and their passports are at my mum's so don't worry guys I'm aware with all of that. Wish me the best with my job search, I think finding financial independence is the way forward for me and the boys to move forward.

This was a hard read Op. I’m so relieved for you that the passports are safe. Do be ware that he could report them missing and apply for new ones. Just a precaution. If you ever think he will take them please call the police who can put a stop on the airports

Just remember that there is no way he is ruminating on how his actions affect you or why you say the things you do, he just doesn't care.

Bless you OP. Sounds like
you’ve had it tough and I’m not going to pretend that being a single mum is going to be easy, but you and your boys will be better off out of this toxic situation. Good luck and be careful about how you go about planning the divorce. Look into the Freedom Programme and maybe contact Women’s aid for advice.

Ugh. Awful. Leave him and do not allow him access to kids passports or any way to apply for them. Edit- just saw your last post. Good luck OP - you sound like you can do this.

@Anon585

There is a registered charity based in Leicester called ‘Reunite’ which offers guides to the prevention of parental abduction to overseas countries and advice if a child has already been taken abroad

However if a country is not a signatory to The Hague Convention - for example most Arabic countries - then tbh there is little that can be done to bring a child back to the UK) Fortunately Algeria only became a member of The Hague Convention on 9th July this year!

If you fear that your husband could obtain Algerian passports for your children without your permission and take them to Algeria, go to

www.reunite.org

and scroll down the page to ‘Quick Links’ and click on ‘Prevention’.

There is a step by step guide, with different links for England & Wales and residents of Scotland.

Marriage is a partnership and your husband has opted out of being your partner. I think you should definitely divorce him as it seems clear to me that he married you to get a visa…. I bet he ‘love bombed’ you before the marriage took place too.

No he's never love bombed me actually - only in my dreams! More fool me 😊

I wish you all the best in your job search- your comment that your family were never there for you either really struck a chord- I was never a priority for either of my divorced parents- for my Mum my brother was always first and for my Dad his new wife and son, but the time I was 16-17 I was so sick of it i promised myself my only priority for a boyfriend /partner was that he put me first- both my Mum and my Dad were unhappy with my choice, my DP who I met at 17 was very unambitious and both my parents are very materialistic. I stood by my choice we are now 64 and still together and still happy.
You have to hold out for what YOU need not what others want for you.
Good luck.

P.s there is no chance you are unlovable after what you have put up with for so long- there is someone out there who is perfect for you, probably several actually, don't give up hope.

This is why it’s a very, very bad idea to marry someone from a different culture. It was hard enough being with a German!

None of that is remotely acceptable from a U.K. perspective, but is there a risk his family will try to injure or kill you if you bring dishonour on them by divorcing him?

The problem is that because it’s fine in his culture it’s going to be hard to find a middle way.

What do your family think and could they support you if you decided to leave?

What difference does it make that's he's Algerian, a dick and a bad father is the same in any nationality!

He even wants to become a UK national to claim benefits which I find really hard to understand as I consider that to be people's last resort.

Strange. If he’s been here for all those years legitimately then he’ll have ILR and be entitled to claim benefits. He doesn’t need to be a citizen.

Regardless of the context Op this doesn’t sound like a happy relationship. Are you sure you want to stay in it?

I agree it sounds like you are doing everyone so should make it official. You are strong enough to do this. It will be easier alone I promise you. You need to consider how his attitude will shape your sons over time. They need to understand women are to be respected and are equal in the UK.
Send any official docto someone you trust, it is a very real danger if your kids are ever taken abroad. You might think he couldn't be bothered to look after them so would not do it, but his mother would be given them.
Any talk of him doing this get advice.
You and you children deserve better than scrapping by. 💕