Algerian husband anyone? Help!

[Anon585]

I'm looking for people who are married to Algerian men or who understand that culture who might be able to share/relate to my experiences.
So I have been married to my Algerian husband for 14 years, we share four sons.
Last May, his brother was arrested in Algeria on dr*g charges and has been on remand in prison there ever since. I feel like this situation has bought out the worst in our marriage although there are so many other issues.
Last year he spent a total of three months (not all in one go) in Algeria looking after his parents, brother's wife and kids and brother's court case, following the arrest.
He has left full time work and now works as a freelance agency chef in order to facilitate regular trips to Algeria. This has caused financial strain and long periods on lone parenting (he's just returned from another trip last week) my family don't live close by so it's just me looking after the boys.
Last year, he also moved out for two months after he left because I was 'fake' and unsupportive for disagreeing that he should leave work and travel regularly abroad. His parents also labelled me a 'trouble maker' over this.
I do 95% of the parenting (cooking, cleaning, homework, bathing) as a well as taking children to sports and looking after their emotional needs. He says I'm lazy and unclean ( his mother bleaches the floor every morning) and that I do nothing.
He's trying to push me back into work, as he resents financial responsibility despite the fact our youngest two are babies, whilst saying that he won't quit work to facilitate me getting a job.
He's moved out and travelled abroad about 5 seperate times in the past two years and our eldest son, in particular is very angry with him and feels abandoned, yet he struggles to understand this saying he should ' respect him above all else'.
We got married in an Islamic bookshop with two strangers as witnesses and later in the registry office for his visa obligations. No wedding, no dress, no honeymoon. At the time I was only 21, I'm not materialistic so didn't mind too much but the marriage has reap no rewards for my sacrifices.
We're living in poor accommodation, he has no drive or motivation, happy to scrape-by or 'just survive ' that's life, he says. I'm currently undertaking a degree course in the evenings and want to buy a home but doesn't mind going with the wind. He even wants to become a UK national to claim benefits which I find really hard to understand as I consider that to be people's last resort.
We've never celebrated a anniversary, valentine's day or my birthday or mother's day, he says these things don't matter.
I think we're just fundamentally different with very different values but it's weird as he started out nicer and more caring. Now it's like he has zero commitment to the boys and I.
I'm Christian and Muslim so I think we had very fundamental difference ideas on responsibility and what's important, but in the first few years these things didn't really come up, maybe the more you know someone your get down to their core?
He's also very individualistic, self serving would rather spend a day off alone than with the kids and I.
Is anyone's experience similar, are these fundamental cultural differences or is he just a crappy person. The marriage is pretty much over but I need some insight into what his thought process might be, for the sake of our children.

He used you to get a visa. Men like this don’t respect British women. He thinks you are shit and treats you accordingly. He’s not even trying to hide it.

You’d be better off as a single parent. Look at the AMA I’m a single parent to 7 DCs thread running now where the women is raking in over £4k a month on benefits alone whilst you’re scrambling for pennies married to this twat.

I get it. No one wants to be divorced. But you can’t go on like this.

His behaviour, regardless of culture, isn’t something you can tolerate.
You need to start thinking about what you want for your boys’ and your life and stop thinking about what he’s doing and his thought process.

I befriended an Algerian guy, an electronics hardware engineer - we had similar jobs but didn't work together or on the same projects. He came across as a very charming guy but I got to know him more through weight training at the same gym. I was surprised to find he had quite hard views on Christians as a Muslim, often ranting about the Crusades. I got to know his lovely German wife very well and she confided that he had pressured her into converting to Islam although she said he didn't expect that at all when they first met. He was tyrant at home. He was often flying home for vague family reasons and then started changing his job to work all over Europe leaving his wife to look after their daughter - this was back on the late 90's -officially they are still married (last time I heard) but she moved back to Germany with her daughter - his wife is lovely, a very innocent and gentle soul - I think he used her tbh. He came across to the UK in the back of a lorry way back before this was the problem it is today: he worked in markets in London selling knock off trainers, etc. He did well and got his degree in the UK but I've always had some reservations about him after his totally unexpected rant about the Crusades at the gym one day. His wife literally had no say in anything. She's never even been to Algeria or met any of his family.

It seems like the core issue here is that you likely want a relationship of equals where you and your partner communicate, compromise, treat each other with respect and consideration, and each do a reasonably equitable share of the parenting and the work to keep the family and household running smoothly. Instead, your husband gets his way in just about everything, often at your expense. You end up making the vast majority of the adjustments, doing the vast majority of the work, and still end up being disappointed because he doesn't take your or the children's needs and wants into consideration. Whether or not any of this is cultural, I'd focus on whether you want to live this way for the foreseeable future, because it doesn't sound like he is going to change and even if he did, the way he has treated you up until now is a lot of baggage to deal with! And yes, based on what you have said he sounds like an objectively crappy person - at the very least, he's certainly a terrible partner and parent.

I'm sorry, but your post really pisses me off and annoys me, because it's clear that you have absolutely no understanding of either Algerian culture or Islam - yet, thought it was a good idea to marry someone, and have a child with, someone who calls himself Algerian and Muslim. Intercultural and interreligious marriages are hard enough to cope with separately compared to monocultural and religious marriages, but combined they're even more challenging and hard. They are not for everyone, but they're mostly not for submissive people like yourself who are not informed enough to ensure that they'll not be treated unfairly. Sorry to be blunt, but it's the truth. You need a lot of education/information, moxy and spine to cope with intercultural and interreligious marriages.

I'm looking for people who are married to Algerian men or who understand that culture...
What you're describing is not "Algerian culture" - you're describing a very dysfunctional man and his clearly even more dysfunctional family that have completely unreasonable expectations of you, and are treating you like dirt. Because you're not from their culture, lack information about their culture and religion, and because you seem completely unable to enforce boundaries, they're sweeping the floor with you, then walking all over you. They know you'll allow them to.

...I'm Christian and Muslim so I think we had very fundamental difference ideas on responsibility
You clearly don't know even the basics of Islam. Or probably even your own religion, to be honest.

I'm a practicing Muslim, and I can tell you that it's an Islamic law that a man must financially support his wife and children. No ifs or buts about it, bringing in the money and spending it on his wife and children is a Muslim man's godly duty. It's not a choice he can opt out of. Islam places great responsibility on a man's shoulder to look after his family, both financially, emotionally and spiritually. Men are considered the leader of their household who must ensure that their family is loved, supported, guided and looked after in every way.

Your husband isn't doing what he's Islamically duty-bound to do, and his family are, from a true Islamic perspective, oppressing you and being unjust to you. They're absolutely in the wrong, and we Muslims do not claim this outrageous behaviour as part of our law or moral compass.

If your husband and his family respond to Islamic reasoning - which I suspect they do not - you really need to educate yourself on the religion and learn what your rights are as a woman. And then actually claim them, and remind your husband and his family what their place is.

Your husband's duty is firstly to you and your children. But your husband has chosen to be a substitute husband to his brother's wife instead, neglecting his own actual wife and kids. It's a really grave sin, and neglect is a really valid reason for divorce.

Also, please don't help this man become a citizen, either. How disgusting that your husband's ambition is to leach off the state and let taxpayers fund you all - again, completely out of line with Islamic teachings and values. You really need to ask yourself is this marriage and man bring anything good to your life...

We got married in an Islamic bookshop with two strangers as witnesses and later in the registry office for his visa obligations.

Why do you expect to get a a decent man when your life together started because he needed a visa? There is no greater love than a man has when needing a place to stay.

Divorce him asap before he takes the children abroad as you will never get them back. He is just a horrible human being.

Family friends, British wife, Algerian husband who is nothing like your lazy, horrible one. He's hard working, supportive and does most of the cooking! Also looks after his disabled wife & takes his parental responsibilities seriously. Get rid of the useless waste of space parasite! You'll be much happier long term with just your boys.

@Anon585I’m so sorry. I’m married to an Iraqi Muslim for context.

Have you been to Algeria? As I understand it in some North African cultures unfortunately women do most of the work. This was in Morocco for context but I was really upset when I went outside of the cities in the mountains. There were women literally working in fields some with babies strapped to their backs. And walking up these mountain paths, one with huge gas canisters on her back and a baby at the front. Another carrying bricks on her back. The men were all sat in the market gossiping with each other. Our guide (who was Berber) told us married women aren’t allowed to go to the market in case they attract an eye. And he also said “in our culture women do the work” - I hadn’t commented or anything but it was just women everywhere working. Made me very sad too seeing all the younger girls walking to school and thinking what awaits them. We went to a traditional Berber house too, 3 wives all working whilst the man sat outside. One was literally repairing a wall so no typical division of labour at home between men and women

I’m very good friends with my old cleaner who is married to an Algerian. Her husband is very conservative compared to Iraqis. There’s little mixing between opposite genders like in Morocco, separated weddings (I went to one of her son’s weddings). She has five children and is a complete angel of a woman, but she puts herself last in every situation. Works multiple jobs. He is an uber driver so he does contribute something but I don’t know many details as I wouldn’t want to pry. One of her sons does nothing, the other to be fair is a teacher and seems very committed to his job. She had to convert (I didn’t despite my husband being from a very religious family, under Islam men are allowed to marry Christian or Jewish women without them converting and they didn’t have a problem with me not converting).

Sorry I’m obviously not married to an Algerian and the above is my only real exposure to North African culture, it just gave me the impression that typically women pull most of the weight. And I was quite shocked as it’s not what I’ve seen through Iraqi culture but obviously that’s quite ignorant as they’re entirely different countries.

Did you also have a legal wedding or just the Islamic one? I think I know that bookshop 😅, on Baker Street?

You will find arseholes in all countries and all religions. You can't see an arsehole and say "yeah, but he's from Algeria, so it's ok"

It would be bye/bye from me. You say you were 21 when you married, how old was he out of interest?

If your children have passports hide them immediately x

Are you sure he isn't going back to another wife?

May not be cultural - may simply be personal.

Well, the good news is that you're not legally married so you don't have to go through the whole divorce rigmarole.
He will never change.
The thing I would worry about is the risk of harm to you and your children if you leave. So, I would really turn to your own trusted family members and make a very safe, solid plan to leave, but with all the guardrails up. I say this because the end of my own marriage became very dangerous. I advise this to every woman leaving a marriage.
This would be a huge and difficult step which I can imagine you might think is too daunting but... this is it. This is your marriage and it won't ever change. He won't ever change. You'll have to weigh up your options and make the best choice for yourself and your children. I hope you have trusted people in real life who can listen to you, support you, and help you make the best decision.

He was 26 when we got married. When we got married I was extremely young and naive, came from a broken home etc.
As for the visa thing, I mean we've had a life together for almost 15 years, albeit not a great one. It's hard to explain complex dynamics to strangers with a few pieces of information, but he wouldn't have much to gain out of getting a visa from me he's been a resident for 13 years and lived here for 18 years, he's not making money or anything. If anything he wants to move to Algeria as he has an apartment there. I have been paranoid about him wanting to take the children, as such they don't have Algerian passports.
Yes, I've been to Algeria many times and I have an understanding that women do a lot of the work whilst men seem to do as they please, although Algerian friends of his in London are very committed to their wives and children, especially their sons so I don't really understand his behaviour.
As for the lady I 'pissed off' I have a deep understanding of Muslim culture as my dad's Pakistani (not Muslim) so grew up in Muslim society and had similar values, you seem to have an idealistic view that I can ' enforce' the rules and regulations of his religion upon him and his family, obviously I can't and my husband is not very religious only really looks to his religion in situations that suit him.
I suppose I've stayed with him out of habit, I don't have close or secure support, so it's literally just me, him and the kids.
I do try to understand people, probably too much but and obviously I've put up with very low standards for a long time. I guess they were normal to me as it was my first serious relationship and I knew no better but I'm 35 now and I think I do want the things in life I've missed out on. I've also had a lot of guilt about breaking up the family.
I'm regularly gaslit about bringing up these issues as 'causing trouble' it's hard to get out of.
It seems it's semi - cultural I think?

Don’t excuse him for being a bad husband just because he is Algerians

I think the OP says after the bookshop ceremony they had a registry office marriage for his visa.

Just tell him and his judgemental family to fuck off.

You’re not “causing trouble”, you’re simply lifting your standards for a husband and father to your children out of the gutter.

is he just a crappy person

Yes.

Don’t t waste any more time on this awful ‘marriage’ nor ruin your kids’ lives by the example being set.

Was it a legal marriage or just the religious part ?

The tension in my friend's relationship with her Algerian husband is she earns more than him and is more financially secure. He has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting condition which will in time affect his ability to work.

He finds this hard because of his Islamic beliefs that he should be providing for her.

But they both also get it's because he moved here and that he works very hard and provides more in ways that aren't just financial. He's practical and hardworking.

He's struggling ATM too because he has family members in Algeria who are unwell. In the UK he's getting treatment. His family members have a death sentence as there isn't the same healthcare availability.

He's going out there to support but home here always comes first. That's not easy ever.

It's your husbands attitude not his culture nor beliefs that are the problem here.

Oh thanks for this! I missed that part.

I think his frequent trips suggest he may be having a second family in Algeria

It seems it's semi - cultural I think?

Not you coming from a dysfunctional and difficult background which had lots of toxic attitudes to the role of women which are still normalised in your head and you havent really broken away from?

It's his culture not your acceptance of this being normal?

Please don’t let your boys go away with him, and hide all there passports.