Am I abusive?

[Waheymum]

My DH and I occasionally go through rocky patches. This morning our DD2 was begging him to get up at about 6:30 because she wanted breakfast. He kept telling her to go back to bed. Last night, I put DD to bed and didn't have a chance to eat dinner until gone 8:30. DD must have had ten hours sleep overnight. I was breastfeeding through the night- DH sleeps through it- and am constantly on childcare every day. I got up because DD was getting upset, hit the bed with my fist as I walked past so H knew I was annoyed, and then I played with DD and focussed on not crying (over DH not prioritising our two year old over himself).

I think I accidentally hit DH who was under the duvet when I hit the bed.

I think DH thinks I'm domestically abusing him.

Hitting things is not a healthy way to show you’re annoyed.
Have you hit him before?

Is he scared of you?

If a man had accidentally hit his wife in a temper, everyone would be telling her to LTB.

People on here, by the end of the thread will have you poured boiling water over your bloke and battered him with a baseball bat OP. Just be ready.

I get thumping something in frustration. But when it's at that point, it's been built up.

Tell him if he thinks like that then it's time to sit down and talk about what separating looks like and how splitting contact with the kids will go. Don't be drawn in to him justify being a lazy fucker.

It doesn't sound like this is working for you @Waheymum and something needs to change before things escalate. Very honest conversations needed as a start.

Well, it’s not great is it? I’d have little respect for someone who thumped something in frustration.

But as a one-off, it’s not abuse.

I think it's ok to be annoyed that he didn't get up but not ok to punch near him on the bed or to accidentally hit him. You need to control your temper. Tell him he's on bedtime duty tonight and go and have a bit of time to yourself.

Be an adult and use your words. Tell him you are tired you are up feeding, having dinner late and he needs to pull his weight. Don't hit things or lash out it's not healthy and gives him excuses instead of reasoning.

I did very similar once. I was driven to insanity through lack of sleep, and ex DH promised me a long lie every single Saturday then slept until about 10am, when the kids were routinely awake at 6.

He was a douchebag, and it wasn’t right what I did, but the selfishness and exhaustion were killing me.

Yes that was abusive of you.

Worrying that you have to ask.

God no. I would never hit him.

Well you have now even if not deliberately.

I don't think so. He's often verbally quite abusive, swears at me and stuff. I'm a lot smaller than he is.

Thankyou.

Yep

Sounds like everybody needs to learn to talk rather than throw hands around.

No, it's not my finest moment.

Ha. He went for a lie down so I was on bedtime duty until the very end when I needed to go back to breastfeeding.

You were tired and annoyed and didn't deliberately hit him, if you did at all that is not abuse. Next time tell him to get up and help rather than just showing your annoyance.

Or not at all.

He’s basically pushed you to the edge of your limits and it’s now your job to put something in place to make sure you don’t burst over and do something stupid. I suggest he will not change and you should separate but at the very least you need to address his laziness and put your cards on the table with an ultimatum and follow through if he doesn’t change. It’s called reactive abuse, look it up and see if it resonates

Are you sure this wasn’t deliberate?

You hit the bed: you must have known he was in it!

And with your fist … did you punch him?

When you’re exhausted and angry at the lack of support, it’s easy to lose your temper. But you need to be honest with yourself and your actions.

It's DARVO. He gets to be a lazy, obnoxious, sweary scumbag piece of shit but as soon as you react out of sheer frustration and utter tiredness you are the bad one. He can give it but crys when someone snaps back. Fecking pathetic coward is what he is.

@Waheymum you hit a mattress and you are a domestic abuser? Am I reading this correctly?

I think if your DH had punched the bed in anger and accidentally hit you, most people would be telling you that was abusive because he lashed out so near to him.