Am I abusive?

[Waheymum]

My DH and I occasionally go through rocky patches. This morning our DD2 was begging him to get up at about 6:30 because she wanted breakfast. He kept telling her to go back to bed. Last night, I put DD to bed and didn't have a chance to eat dinner until gone 8:30. DD must have had ten hours sleep overnight. I was breastfeeding through the night- DH sleeps through it- and am constantly on childcare every day. I got up because DD was getting upset, hit the bed with my fist as I walked past so H knew I was annoyed, and then I played with DD and focussed on not crying (over DH not prioritising our two year old over himself).

I think I accidentally hit DH who was under the duvet when I hit the bed.

I think DH thinks I'm domestically abusing him.

Yes, it’s DARVO. Poor, poor man.

Oh dear...

It’s not OK for him to shout and swear at you.

I'm not sure I have read your post right OP.
Have you got 2 DCs or are you still breast-feeding a 2 year old?

Personally my view is that peoole who hit/punch stuff when cross arent in control of their temper, and its a surprisingly fine line to go from punching the bed/wall in an impulsive moment of temper, to punching someones for eg back or arm thinking its not the same as socking them one in the face.

You need to seek help for your temper.not least because as your child grows in to a tween/ teen they are guaranteed doing to annoy and frustrate you and it would be a really toxic environment for them if you are punching stuff in frustration.

That said, your partner sounds a useless waste of space

You say you think you hit him?

Did you think you hit him straight away when it happened, or is he saying you did and now you’re wondering?

You’d know whether you were hitting a mattress, or a person. (I’ve find a lot of martial arts)

@Waheymum I’ve never told a young child to go back to bed at 6.30 am. It’s pointless, they wake up when they wake up and are hungry or need to be played with. Do you have any evidence that DH thinks you are an abuser?

You’re overtired and frustrated - it’s a one off and wasn’t intentional. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You can calmly explain to him that like him, you can’t function without proper sleep over a prolonged period, only you don’t get to just lie in bed when you feel like this because he doesn’t have your back. Resentment will start to build unless he can be a bit more empathetic when you’re getting worn out like this - he needs to help you stay on top of your sleep as the very minimum.
Hope you get a better nights rest tonight

Its DARVO, he is abusing you. They are his children too, but instead of doing his fair share, he using your unwillingness to see your children suffer in order to shirk his responsibilities. So you carry his load and your own, so you become exhausted while he lolls around bed. He is lazy and pointless and its very likely you would be better off without him.

There is often a power difference though. Men are typically bigger and stronger. So lashing out in temper is never ok but power differences also come into play.

Look up reactive abuse.

Verbal abuse is abuse.

Not your finest moment but people do snap when utterly exhausted and sleep deprivation will drive many people to act in ways they usually wouldn't. There's a reason why some prisons in appalling lands use sleep deprivation as torture.

This is a wake up call for you though. Both because of what you did but also because of what he does. Shouting and swearing at you is absolutely not acceptable.

How someone handles conflict is a measure of what sort of person they are and how successfully they can run a healthy relationship. I think you need to take a good long look at both himself and yourself here.

Things can change and improve, love, but you need to listen to this wake up call. For your sake, and for your children's. Remember, you can't change anyone but yourself; you can't change him, only he can. But you can decide how to act, and what to do from hereon.

You’re in a toxic situation if he’s treating you like this and you’re responding the way you are.

It’s really not good for your child. Sounds like you’d all be better off if you end the relationship.

Your both ticking boxes for Gottmans 4 horsemen.

He’d leave his very young child hungry or his exhausted breast feeding wife to deal with it, after he’s had a good night’s sleep. He sounds like a horrible husband and father.

Hitting furniture is abusive behaviour.

Did you hit him? You’ve said you think you did - what did he say to you about it? You also said you think he thinks he’s suffering DV. What has he actually said?

I mean if he’s verbally abusive then it’s time to get yourself out of there. Of course he’s going to make you out to be the abuser. But who cares. Leave before he makes you a statistic.

Another DARVO and reactive abuse vote. Abuse isn't just a one off, it's an ongoing pattern of different types of behaviours design to exert control over the other person (ongoing verbal abuse and threats, avoiding shared tasks, weaponising incompetence). It stems from an exploitative and entitled attitude, which it sounds like you husband has!