Is his lying about working late and the ending it enough reason for me to accept its over ..

[Resetrefocusanddoit]

If your partner had been telling you hes working late on occasion for the last 4 months but you found out he hadnt he but instead had been going to the pub Instead (2-4 nights a week) and when you asked him about it he admitted it but also admitted he would of never of told you the truth then the following weekend said he was coming over (tonight) when your 5 weeks post op struggling and generally feeling awful (cant even change my bedding) while looking after 2 dcs (not his) but instead he chose to have a screen fitted into his van (which could of waited) and you call him and say you feel dissapointed he is going to be late too late to change the bed due to daughter being asleep and light sleeper and his response is to tell you to fuck off, hes sick of the shit - and then he answers again 30 mins later and its clear hes in the pub.. then he ends the relationship, again, tells you its done, blocks you and turns his phone off.. leaving you having a panic attack and heartbroken.. thats enough reason to accept it isnt it....

But he does want to end the relationship! Precisely because its too much work for him. So that’s why now, why this brutally. Because he has taken all your love/sex/attention and 700 pounds and now he’s done.

If he is shitty enough to you he won’t have to return the loan.

Its not a question of whether you accept this dumpster fire of a human into your life. The question is how can you not repeat this mistake again? How can you learn to be more discerning and guarded?

You have to learn to be ruled by your head and not your heart—even in matters of the geart. You would like a romantic partner who would cheerfully and lovingly and competently care for you and your two disabled dc. That man exists but he is one in a million. Finding him is going to take a lot of luck. And most of the men you meet are not going to be this prince.

So please put yourself and your children first. Look for support wherever you can but NOT to your dates until they have proven themselves serious, reliable, generous, capable, honest, and trustworthy . That person you won’t have to beg. That person you won’t have to loan money to.

This lying creep brings nothing good to your life . And adds in his own mix of making you unhappy , feel bad about yourself and accept such awful abusive behaviour.
You might feel overwhelmed on your own or scared and lonely with just DCs but really this man is not the one to change it . And no man will really . I wish you had more support in order to find contentment in yourself . Can you perhaps try to reach out to other groups or single mothers like yourself?

I know you are unwell, but you must know you are worth more than this deadbeat.

@Resetrefocusanddoit be glad he’s gone. Your future self will look back and be puzzled at why you put up with this behaviour but for now, delete his number so you’re not tempted to text him. You deserve better than this.

A glimmer of hope??? What the f are you talking about ??? Hope of what? What is he giving you and what is this costing you. He is a total LOSER

Sorry I know you are probably upset but you are not thinking straight. You are better than him.

Any one or two of them would be enough to know it is over. Just be glad he's gone he sounds horrible.

On the subject of anxious attachment I think its complicated. People have the attachment style they do because of childhood experiences with primary figures like mother or father. If these figures are reliable and loving then your attachment style will be secure and you will tend to attach to other reliable people. If they are mercurial, alcoholic, drug addicted, abandoning then your experience of attachment will be insecurity: you will not know how to get the loving/sober one back when the mean drunk shows up. Children do all they can to stay close to even abusive parents. They will try anything to placate and please these parents. that is the attempt to bring back the good parent when the bad/abandoning parent shows up.

The thing about labeling onesekf as having an “anxious “ attachment style is that it doesn’t capture the real problem which is that you are going to be very persistent in hanging on to any attachment because even this abusive, drunk, abandoning, cunt of an attachment figure seems quite familiar. Sometimes they come back! Sometimes they are the good mum/dad who changes the sheets and brings supper. Then the child part if you forgives all snd forgets all.

There is more going on than just attachment style. There is some deep seated, childhood experience of being (perhaps) alternately loved and abandoned by primary caregivers.

A person with a healthy childhood experience of love and care expects love and caring to reliably go together. Those that love us don’t hurt us. So when you meet someone who says “I love you” but barfs in your bed due to alcoholism, or threatens to break up with you nine times, or lies to you, its easy to say “Hey THATS NOT LOVE.” If you really knew and expected lovers to treat you well all the time you would never have accepted fool’s gold from three men.

I highly reccomend the old book “he’s just not that into you.” Also: Women Who Love Too Much. I think even though you seem to look back at this ex as pretty good at the beginning if you really do the work on yourself you will see that in fact all the ways he was shitty to you or drunk or needed money were all ways you secretly reassured yourself that he was so broken that he wouldn’t really leave you.

You’re doing really well OP. Post-op low feelings are brutal even without all the other things you have going on. Look at it this way, the last few days were the absolute worst bit of this, they’re behind you and you got through them. You can totally do this going forward and your sprit and self-worth can grow stronger and recover just as your body will.

Sorry I havent replied to anyone today im struggling and kids haven't given me a second to breathe. The pain of my op is bad today. Heard nothing from him at all....

Have any of your family come to help you? Did you reach out to anyone?

I think you have to let go of the idea that he will get in touch. He’s shown you the true version of himself. I’m sorry op but as you are not well and need him for a change, it doesn’t suit his needs :(

Doesn't sound like you are well enough to do go back to work tomorrow.
Can you get a further sicknote and also find a mobile hairdresser who can come and wash it for you, with a quick trim maybe?

Hi all
Sorry for my rubbish responses summer holidays and dealing with the anxiety all this has caused me

I did my own bedding, DS helped me do the sheet and cover and he watched DD while I threw my head over the bath and washed my hair... went to another wound check/dressing change and now have 2 holes in my incisions - so still on strict rest rules and signed off work for another 3 weeks..

He messaged me 2 messages both nothing related to what actually happened on friday or the fact he has been lying to me for the past 4 months about where he is. His narrative is "this relationship just doesnt work" - which because of his actions, yes hes right.

He didnt mention my stuff. Neither did I and im coming to terms with the fact that I may just sacrifice my stuff.

I hate liars.

So sorry for your circumstances. On the practical side: Contact cleaning agencies and ask for a quote for a total or partial clean, explaining your circumstances. If you can afford it get one of them to do it. You will feel much better all round. I know you would feel as if you were being judged by getting someone in but really they do it as a business. I used to do regular cleaning and all untidy bits and bobs on sides etc I used to put on the bed or altogether in each room as I cleaned.

Im a cleaner on the side so Im not ashamed I just couldnt afford it with it being summer hols and not working properly at the moment. Ill manage.

The anxiety from the "relationship" is probs the worst thing at the moment x

I hope you heal soon. All the best for your future.

For practical help, ring social services and ask for an assessment. I'm not sure why you weren't offered the 6 weeks (free) reablement service for hospital discharges in the first place. Thete should be support for your personal care and things like bedmakimg. For the relationship - you are right to mourn the loss of what you hoped for. But you sre definitely well rid of someone who I would guess has a drink problem and clearly doesn't care for you.

I think getting over someone will take a long time, especially as he’s hurt you and let you down so much. I get it about money being tight as it’s the summer hols plus you haven’t been working either. I think right now, apart fr looking after the kids, you need to focus on your emotional and physical recovery. Give yourself an allotted slot every day to grieve for the relationship and then leave it and think of other things.

i hope you are feeling ok. I know it will take time for you to feel better. Are there any friends in real life that can give you a bit of emotional support?

Thats good advice thank you - im grieving a lie basically everything he ever said was a lie and everything I planned for the future is a big fat lie also.

Yes I have but my friends are very hardcore on the front of just ignore him. Its hard after 2 years isnt it.