Is his lying about working late and the ending it enough reason for me to accept its over ..

[Resetrefocusanddoit]

If your partner had been telling you hes working late on occasion for the last 4 months but you found out he hadnt he but instead had been going to the pub Instead (2-4 nights a week) and when you asked him about it he admitted it but also admitted he would of never of told you the truth then the following weekend said he was coming over (tonight) when your 5 weeks post op struggling and generally feeling awful (cant even change my bedding) while looking after 2 dcs (not his) but instead he chose to have a screen fitted into his van (which could of waited) and you call him and say you feel dissapointed he is going to be late too late to change the bed due to daughter being asleep and light sleeper and his response is to tell you to fuck off, hes sick of the shit - and then he answers again 30 mins later and its clear hes in the pub.. then he ends the relationship, again, tells you its done, blocks you and turns his phone off.. leaving you having a panic attack and heartbroken.. thats enough reason to accept it isnt it....

Thank you. Believe me it wont be tomorrow if he contacts me (he still owes me some money and I have alot of stuff at his house) he likes his long periods of not bothering. Ill leave getting my things back and the 700£ for a week then ill sort that.

Once trust is gone what is there ?

Oh, you’re not stupid! I didn’t mean to make you feel like you are. I’ve had horrible relationships in the past where I tied myself up in knots. I really didn’t mean to make you feel stupid, you sound hurt and confused, and I hope better days are coming.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today @Resetrefocusanddoit

Hi lovie. Im just so sad. I tried to contact him (stuff at his worth alot collected together) he declined my calls so I asked if hes going to just ignore me he said yes , leave me alone.

I just feel so upset and hurt

its a really awful way to end the relationship on his side. It doesn’t give you closure in a way you’d want. Do you have anyone in real life that can comfort you a little? I do feel for you. But I also feel you are better rid x

He is disgusting. It’s not you it’s him. You are better off without him. I know you are disappointed and feel that you have been let down (you have); but now it’s time to find your anger. He has treated you extremely rudely and deserves no courtesy whatsoever. Did you lend him some money?

From someone who felt like you once my advice is - leave it.
He wasn’t a decent man. You wanted to be in a relationship so much that you were turning a blind eye to your gut instinct. He’s a liar and he’s a selfish arsehole.
You are saying you are contacting him about ‘things’ - you aren’t. You want to salve something and any contact is better than none.
For now and for some time, leave it.
There are women on here who walk out of homes, with babies, and not a penny to their names and have to go and stay in shelters. Their wellbeing comes first.
So does yours. Cut your losses in every way. If there are things and money involved I know it’s hard but they can be replaced in the long run.
This man was never going to be for you.
Take some time. I did, it’s the best thing I ever did and when I say time I mean a few years. I got some therapy and built my own life again.
And I never got into a bad relationship because I no longer attracted shitty men, which I had done my whole adult life.
I don’t mean to sound harsh. At some point you have to pick yourself up and think, I’m not living like this.
You deserve more and you are worth more.

@Resetrefocusanddoit, brilliant username.
Live it, you really can and you will be alright!

Thank you im going to try!!! Any tips on how to stop myself chasing someone who clearly doesn't want me

Thank you for writing this and taking the time. Your right, my things are also a glimmer of hope I suppose? But your even more right when you can things can be replaced over time and its nothing that I need right now in this Instant second. Its bigger than "things" isnt it.... what kind of therapy did you go too ? If you dont mind me asking? Any sort you can reccomend?

I spoke alot to chat gpt over these last 2 years about the relationship there's a pattern of being let down, being abandoned, ditched, coming back etc and im just finding it hard figure out if this relationship was all a big fake from the get go.

5 weeks post op. Summer holidays. 2 disabled dcs - even if he wanted to end the relationship surley there are better ways?

Im sorry im venting

Text him once to say his things will be in x place on x date (be that bagged on the door step or at a friends or at the bloody pub and you are not responsible for them any longer. If not collected by x date they will go out for the bin men.

Then block his numbers on everything. Cold turkey is the way, I’m afraid. Good luck.

@Resetrefocusanddoit you might have an anxious attachment style, which is why you feel reluctant to let him go or accept closure. But if you go to a good therapist, they will decide what is best for you as I am not a therapist. I do understand though that you feel quite alone and that makes you vulnerable :( I would turn my phone off, put a movie on with the children and try and switch off. I hope you feel better soon.

@Resetrefocusanddoit how disabled are your dc if you don’t mind me asking? Do the local authority help at all with care ect? Where are the children’s dads?
Your partner left you when you need him the most which says a lot about him. It’s very hurtful as you seem to need help more than ever. Do you have any family?

Yes however he did send it back this morning full amount- paid his rent and helped him buy a tv... so moneys back.

I feel so sad and dissapointed in the whole thing - this is just it is it? Done dead over? Messages on Tuesday about how he doesnt want to loose me and how he loves me, wants me in his life etc blah blah blah leaves me for the 9th time friday?! Anger will come i hope...

Both need high levels of supervision. Local council are involved but hard to get help for them as my council are awful! Children's dads are horrible useless men who see and do bare minimum...

Hes fully aware aswell that im not recovering well post op - i have a hole in my incision which isnt closing and im so uncomfortable- should be "resting" ds is 15 and dd is 8 - no resting here.
I just wanted my bedding changed as im on strict do not put arms higher than elbow level instruction and for him to help me wash my hair - im not allowed to bathe/shower.... my bedding hasnt been changed since 10th july (how disgusting is that)...i have family but we arnt close and they dont give me much help....

Coming away from relationships like this can be like getting off a drug - sadly the only way to do it is to go full cold turkey.
Every type of contact is a step back and stops you from getting better.
It does feel horrible but you have been unhappy for a long time. It’s not really him and his reality that you are craving anyway - you long for connection, kindness, warmth and affection.
I had trauma based therapy because of ‘stuff’ from my past but I’ve got to say it was me saying ‘no more’ which was the big change.
I decided no more relationships and no more bad treatment in life in general.
It changed my life and a few years later, by chance, I met someone via some volunteering we were both involved in.
It is an entirely different feeling when you meet someone genuinely decent but I did take my time and we were friends for a long time.
This man you’ve been around doesn’t want to deal with reality - whether its own job or life or you needing care or having two disabled DC. And his behaviour patterns suggest to me he could be an alcoholic. He is especially vicious.
Did I ever think I would get from the feeling you have now to how I feel now? Not in a million bloody years. I was so heartbroken I couldn’t function and was just clinging on.
You will get there.

I do and I think hes avoidant. Ive been doing a therapy book to try and help with my attachment style but finding time is hard....

Thank you....

I would ask someone in the family - you may not be close but they must be fucking heartless if they won’t come round and help if you point out you are physically unable to wash your hair or change your bed. I’m annoyed at them for you.

Without sounding like a nob - i am so proud of you it sounds like youve put in some hard and heavy work and your at a good place now! You should be proud of yourself!

Your brain plays tricks on you at times doesnt it you forget the shit times and replay good bits - I need to override my romantic brain and focus on his actions more. And yes your right its not HIM I want really its what you said....

I also have "stuff" and have spoke to the doctor before about cptsd therapy however fitting it in between disabled dcs doesnt ever seem to play out. Maybe I should look at better help therapy and do it over the phone in school hours or something...

Your story is giving me hope that I can make this boundary and say no more and push through to a different kind of love experience.... your right, I think he is an alcholic also, we have spoken about this previously however he skirts the conversation, promises he will reduce his intake and then never does- he is also a heavy cannabis user, he promised in feb he was quitting, he admitted in june hes made no attempt and smokes the same amount as in feb if not more - I think he has very much faked who is he to me and the vicious him is the real him.

Im so glad you found someone who feels like home 🏡 💙 💓

The pub bit made me giggle haha - hopefully he will exchange my stuff with his stuff at the same time

Alcoholic. Smokes weed. I want to have a party on your behalf that he’s gone!

Im going to have too tomorrow to be honest as im back at work on monday which will be hard enough without all the heartache hes caused

Bad isnt it..... promises all throughout the relationship to sort himself out etc doesnt stick to any of them...

“Any tips on how to stop myself chasing someone who clearly doesn't want me” @Resetrefocusanddoit, this is way out there, but could you ask your DS to change the bedclothes for his darling recuperating DM? I know that he should be asked to do it out of love but there could be a small cash incentive for a chore done. You could supervise him. And he has a life skill under his belt.

Now to the man! I can’t give anymore advice than you will get from MN, a wealth of advice and experience.

The DCs dads are useless, and so is current chap. It’s is time for a reset as your name says. As @PetulaGordeno says only when you get to the point of saying “no more” will you stop letting these wastes of space into your life.

Being on you own can be lonely but being ill treated, disrespected and in the company of selfish people is worse.

Once you heal post op and from the heart break, focus on yourself and how you feel about being you. You said you are reading a self help book, that is a good start! Keep going.

The truth is he’s a nasty addict, he’s addicted to alcohol and weed. The reality is, this is him and they are both serious addictions not to be underestimated. It might be a good idea for you to do a little bit of research on how they alter brain function in a very negative and ugly way.

Wild horses won’t stop him and keep him away from it. It’s no reflection on you whatsoever. It will always come first above everything and it will ruin his life as well as those around him.

I wouldn’t even worry about your belongings, it’s worth him keeping the lot so that you never have any contact with him again.

Bear in mind he won’t like your silence when he eventually realises you’ve had enough, and he will very likely try every promise under the sun to draw you back in again.

Please don’t fall for it, you sound lovely and you are worth so much more than this nasty man who treats you like sh*t on his shoe when you are in a time of need.

A little step in the right direction everyday is all it will take to get you there in the end 💐