Am I wrong to want to leave over my husband's anger?

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Just looking for some advice about my husband. Yesterday I was ready to leave and now he's made me feel im the sole problem yet again.
I have been with my husband 20 years (im now 35, hes 39) we have 4 children, im a sahm and he works.
Over the years i have become a shell of myself, constantly on edge waiting for his next blow up. Theres been so many things over the years he has zero patience and will fly of the handle.
For example a few months ago our preteen having a bit of an attitude, he completely lost it and threatened her had his fist to her and scared her. I had got in-between them and he directed it at me because I 'didnt back him' I was then as usual met with every insult ofcourse every name under the sun so wont list them all, im a shit person, bad mum and will throw it at me I so many words that I dont work therefore my opinion doesnt matter. Honestly I should have left then but I just get sucked right back in and for some reason feel bad.
So a couple days he starts again this time ranting and raving about our 8 year old this time I try and shut it down. He starts on on how I never back him but honestly its because I dont trust him. That ended in more verbal insults being thrown at me which tbh I'm used to having my entire existence being thrown in my face.
I tried to talk to him last night I explained why I didnt back him and his anger is getting worse and out of control. He ignored everything I said and said its all my fault because I don't appreciate he works hard which is not the case at all. But what he means by this is back in January it all came to a head because I asked him to spend more time with the kids. As when hes not working he'd either be in the shed or asleep, asleep on days off until 12-2pm. Hasn't been out with us for years, probably about 5 years since he took any of the kids out on his own. I did all night feeds and have always got up early with them every morning, because when our older ones were tiny he'd loose his patience so quick I stopped asking him.
I know me not working had started to bother him so im trying and with no experience or references its been hard so im doing adult learning and volunteering for now while juggling the kids. BUT he wanted this he has never wanted the kids in childcare.
Sorry its long but its just a snippet of our Problems. Ofcourse I love him and because its been so long (all my adult life) im not sure what to do.
Am I wrong and being ungrateful? Am I right to want to leave? Im just confused today and need some support 😞

Just leave. He’s an abusive bastard who’ll never change. You’re better off poor but free and so will your children be.

How old are the kids?

The kids are 13,12,8 and 6.
2 of them (oldest and youngest) have additional needs. The youngest is finally settled into school life and im able to plan forward/look for work now.

Im sorry but he is an abuser, to you and your children. This isn’t your fault and you need to get yourself and kids away from him.

He's abusing you and your children. Of course you should leave. Can you seek some support from a local domestic abuse service?

Oh my word. He’s a monster. He’s hideous.

I feel so sorry for you and your dcs.

Please start planning to get out now. For your safety and your dcs’ safety. It only gets worse.

I hope you can leave.

No one’s going to tell you that you’re being unreasonable because your husband is abusive. How you extract yourself is the issue. Do you have any friends / family that you can confide in real life? It’s probably worth you speaking to women’s aid to plan your exit in a way which is safest for you all.

Why would you want your children to spend more time with their abuser?

I wouldn’t be surprised if living on edge like this is what’s contributing to their Sen needs.
you need to leave, I would speak with safeguarding lead about his behaviour and seek legal advice you might be able to get an occupation order to stay in the home for a while

I think you think this is normal as he’s your only boyfriend. It’s not.

I know it looks and sounds ridiculous. I see it now but honestly i only started to question things recently while doing elearning on healthy relationship for my volunteering role

I agree. He is a danger to you and the children. Please contact Women’s Aid to help you make a plan for leaving safely without alerting him. I would start by photographing all important documents while he’s out at work. Also, get as much help as you can from friends and family, but only those you can rely on not to tell him anything.
Men like him are at their most dangerous when they realise you may escape.

Of course you're not but you'd be more wrong to stay. You've become conditioned to believe it's normal. It's not. That's no way to live. Go to Womens Aid in your area to talk to someone. Your gut is telling you its wrong. Please listen to it.

Vile, and the fact he was 19 and you were only 15 when you met says it all really.

Please speak to Women's Aid first, do not let him know that you're planning to leave. Domestic abusers will become even more abusive, as they have lost power and control over you and the children, if they know you are planning to leave.
In my experience of working with families, that are are experiencing domestic abuse, the children often have SEN. Usually ADHD, as the children learn to be hyper vigilant to avoid provoking the abuser. Their SEN is often as a result of the trauma they have experienced.
Meanwhile gather as much evidence as you can of his abuse. Also, you might want to consider phoning the Police when he nexts becomes abusive to yourself or the children.
You have shown tremendous courage to post on Mumset, this is your opportunity to create a better life for you and your children.

I just want to say thank you! I posted here because i needed somewhere completely anonymous. And somewhere I can come back and read when he makes me feel like im crazy! Its hard because its not always like this but when its bad its so so bad.
Im trying to figure out next steps which is tricky because i have zero income but i know I can get help while trying to get a job.
The house is rented and In my name.

At the moment hes at work and been staying out of each other's way last couple nights but he's off on weekends.

Abusers are not nasty all the time because no one would want to be with them if they were. He continues to show you and in turn the kids the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

He targeted you when you were 15 deliberately. I would assume your home life was not great and you were in a bad place yourself back then. This made you attractive to him because he has further weakened already weak boundaries.

I note the rental agreement is in your sole name so it should be easier legally to get him removed. Do contact Womens Aid and seek legal advice on divorce. non molestation and occupation orders. Your kids will thank you for doing all that because their home lives are being harmed by seeing you as their mother being abused. This is no legacy to leave your children

No..you're in an abusive relationship. Hope you can end it and look after the kids

I know being a mum is important but you haven’t had much of an adult life have you?
You met this man at just 15.
He may work hard but so do you and you are on duty 24/7.
Once he raises a fist to one of your children this is a serious, serious problem.
Your children may seem happy in school but home they are living in a powder keg and it’s not good for their health.
You sound like a really bright young woman. You don’t have to live like this.

Many people will post here without having read your update.
I suggest you start a new thread, and ask about how to make him leave (he should leave because the rental is in your name).

And abusers aren’t awful all the time. They need to throw you a few crumbs of kindness and hope to keep you with them.

But this man’s behaviour is so bad.

Contact Womens Aid, Refuge, Citzens Advice

I’m so sorry, you’re definitely not in the wrong. Your husband is emotionally abusive to you and the kids. You have been conditioned for so many years to believe this is the norm. Please find a way to leave as he is damaging your children, which can have long term consequences. Do you have family who can help? Also can you contact women’s aid? Xx

As Lundy Bankroft says:

“He is not abusive because he is angry - he is angry because he is abusive”

He flies off the handle deliberately in order to be abusive, it order to maintain control. Not because he is losing control.

It has always worked for him and it continues to.

Your children are being abused and, worse, they are being taught that this is normal because it is their everyday and because you stay. So they in turn, will grow up to either become abusive or, to marry abusers themselves.

Not only do you need to get away from this relationship, you need to be very clear with your children that dads behaviour is not ok and that we should never stay in relationships where there is abuse.

Your children may also need therapy to process the abuse that they have been through.

Get away and give your children a safe environment with you at least half the time. His home might still be dysfunctional but at least they won’t see their mother being abused and staying anymore and will have a safe home with you.

It is not protecting them to stay, it is teaching them that dysfunction is normal. And, making them feel either obligated to protect you because you can’t protect yourself or, to join in their fathers abuse of you because they think doing so will keep them safe.

You need to be the parent. Get away from your abuser and make sure your kids know that we do not stay with bullies.

It’s a fairly standard dynamic sadly. Less common now than in the past as women have choices.
Love that he resents you for not working when it’s clear he has done zero parenting of your four children. It’s easy to fall in to this pattern but you are young enough to change this.
It will be hard because you’ve known nothing else but it will be better. Think about the future you want. A calm and happy home. Maybe some paid work now your youngest is old enough. Again it will be hard but you do it all anyway. And maybe when you split he may even spend a few hours with his own children occasionally and you get a break (more likely he won’t but let him carry on being a shit dad). He would not be your problem any more.

Sounds like my dad. Things got worse when I hit puberty and started answering back more.

I really resented my mum even though she tried to stand up for me, because in my child's brain she had the choice to leave him but I didn't so in my mind she kept me trapped. As soon as I could I voted with my feet and moved far away. Now we have a polite but distant relationship which they often complain about and they will never be alone woth my kids but you reap what you sow.

He sounds awful. Leaving is the right thing to do for you and your DC.