Am I wrong to want to leave over my husband's anger?

[YourPinkReader]

Just looking for some advice about my husband. Yesterday I was ready to leave and now he's made me feel im the sole problem yet again.
I have been with my husband 20 years (im now 35, hes 39) we have 4 children, im a sahm and he works.
Over the years i have become a shell of myself, constantly on edge waiting for his next blow up. Theres been so many things over the years he has zero patience and will fly of the handle.
For example a few months ago our preteen having a bit of an attitude, he completely lost it and threatened her had his fist to her and scared her. I had got in-between them and he directed it at me because I 'didnt back him' I was then as usual met with every insult ofcourse every name under the sun so wont list them all, im a shit person, bad mum and will throw it at me I so many words that I dont work therefore my opinion doesnt matter. Honestly I should have left then but I just get sucked right back in and for some reason feel bad.
So a couple days he starts again this time ranting and raving about our 8 year old this time I try and shut it down. He starts on on how I never back him but honestly its because I dont trust him. That ended in more verbal insults being thrown at me which tbh I'm used to having my entire existence being thrown in my face.
I tried to talk to him last night I explained why I didnt back him and his anger is getting worse and out of control. He ignored everything I said and said its all my fault because I don't appreciate he works hard which is not the case at all. But what he means by this is back in January it all came to a head because I asked him to spend more time with the kids. As when hes not working he'd either be in the shed or asleep, asleep on days off until 12-2pm. Hasn't been out with us for years, probably about 5 years since he took any of the kids out on his own. I did all night feeds and have always got up early with them every morning, because when our older ones were tiny he'd loose his patience so quick I stopped asking him.
I know me not working had started to bother him so im trying and with no experience or references its been hard so im doing adult learning and volunteering for now while juggling the kids. BUT he wanted this he has never wanted the kids in childcare.
Sorry its long but its just a snippet of our Problems. Ofcourse I love him and because its been so long (all my adult life) im not sure what to do.
Am I wrong and being ungrateful? Am I right to want to leave? Im just confused today and need some support 😞

This is a bit shocking if im honest. Your completely right! I was in such a bad place at 15, my own mum wasnt very present she liked to go out and drink alot, bring back different men a few times a week. If I tried to meet friends I'd be called back constantly to do everything as small as she wanted a cuppa making
I did everything around the house, all the shopping and housework before I completely left home at 17 and got a place with my now husband.

At the time it felt like an escape but talking to friends soon became a problem and I lost them as well. I had a lovely group of parent friends about 6 years ago but because one was a man (husband and wife) i wasnt allowed to talk to him and my husband would kick off. I do have 1 friend now but shes not someone I could confide in.

You're not wrong for wanting to leave your abuser 💐.

I got at far as reading he raised a fist at your daughter. That's enough. I was in an abusive relationship, waiting for it to change, waiting for it to get better, trying to get on with him etc. I didn't know when he would kick off. I look back now and think why did I stay so long. My ex has a nice house etc, I say to my daughters do you ever wish we were still together? They say no as we'd be living with him.
Leave him before one of you ends up in hospital. Think of the example you're setting for your children, they deserve better, so do you.

Lady, why do you love him?

Do you?

Because most of us would fear, resent,, and be angry with a person we lived with who behave with his level of emotional and verbal and perhaps physical violence. We might even hate him.

Please leave. You are worth so very much more that living like this, and so are your children.

They need stability, steadiness, time, love and HEALTHY boundaries/discipline. And a mother who isn't walking on eggshells, and who is allowed to breath, have friends and enjoy life.

Your right and I have messed up not seeing it all sooner. And reading these comments I feel so so guilty that I allowed this for our kids. 😞
Honestly i love him and hate him, I can despise and be angry and then he comes home and I completely melt away.
Its so hard and Im kicking myself i didnt notice it (or wake up to it is probably the best way to put it) for 20 years.

Oh yes, leaving sounds great.

Also, was he with you when you were 15??

Well look, you can’t change the past. But you can decide your future. No child should be in a home where their father raises a fist to them and their mum. That’s the sort of thing social services would take a child away from a family for btw, if their school found out. And rightly so.

Getting inbetween them isn’t protecting the child. Leaving their abuser and reiterating to them that we do not stay in abusive situations is key. Giving them a safe home with you that is not dysfunctional.

Chances are you will have most of the custody but, even if there is fifty fifty, I’d bet he will shirk the responsibility and you’ll end up with the kids most of the time. Which is good as the less time he has around them the better. But make sure to speak to them about how if their dad ever behaves like that to them in future, if they ever feel at risk, they need to call the police.

We cannot protect them by staying. Because the emotional abuse will then be a constant environment and they’ll learn that it is normal.

We protect them by teaching them boundaries. Boundaries for OURSELVES. On the behaviour we tolerate from others. By teaching them we stay away from bullies, not waste our lives trying to placate them.

You haven’t done anything wrong, Op, but it’s time now. Time to stand up for yourself and your children, and work towards the life you deserve not the half life he lets you have. Go to women’s aid or similar for advice.

Contact both of your old friend groups. See whether anyone there is still interested in picking up the friendship. They may have realised you were being isolated.

But be careful. He’s an angry man losing control. Be clever and wary.

Leave him. Get out. You are young and can start again. What a controlling abusive horrible man. How can he lay in bed until 12/2pm?! What’s he doing?! Does he work nights? Not been out with the kids for 5 years? Please leave him and find someone who respects you. You must feel lonely and I have no idea how you love someone like that. Coming from someone who has marriage problems myself…

You were in a terrible position and he swooped in.

But you know now, and (hard as it is!) You can take steps to change things. You really do have that power, and @YourPinkReader you have far, far more strength than you realise.

I guarantee it.

Please contact women’s aid and tell them what you have told us. They will help you. The advice that other MNers have given is sound. Start finding documentation such as passports, birth certificates, you marriage cert, Definitely your tenancy agreement, especially if it’s in your sole name. Keep them safe. Screenshot any texts that are abusive and email them somewhere, set up a new email address that he knows nothing about.
Is your home social or private landlord? I ask as I have found councils and housing associations to be good in these situations. I have worked for some good ones and there are protocols in place.
You need him out of your life before he is violent to you or your children. He has already alienated you from your friends. I strongly suggest contacting them to let them know the situation, as long as you trust them not to tattle-tale back to him.
wishing you clarity and strength. You are not crazy. You are not the problem. He is an abuser.

Please do take this advice.

You deserve a calm, happy home with your children. You need to be strong and do it for them and for your 15 year old self that knew no better. Pls be careful OP and follow the advice given here about Women's Aid. His behavior has chipped away at you so I know it’s hard to be strong or even make a decision. This is what abusers do and the way you feel is ‘trauma bonding’, it’s all you have known but it is not normal. Sending lots of strength 💐

You love him…

But love is not enough.