So upset with pils

[Malinia]

I'm upset with my in laws and need somewhere to talk it through. It might get long because there's backstory and context.

So, in laws have always been a bit shit. They rarely if ever visit us and in very recent months that's become pretty much impossible due to fils anxiety which he refuses to get treatment due, and mil struggling to walk (which she has in large part bright upon herself by not doing anything about her health issues). Yes I'm resentful that they have happily embraced being unable to leave the house because it puts a lot of pressure on us

We live two hours away, and have two children with sen plus eldest has a health condition which means she gets extremely fatigued and often needs to use a wheelchair. It's not easy to travel with her, it needs planning and managing.

My parents have had various health issues, mostly more serious than pils, including both having cancer, dad having heart surgery (to be fair fil had similar surgery some years ago) ace then my mum got very ill from chemo related infection, had heart failure and has direct the last nine months getting more and more frail into she died on Monday this week.

Mum was the only one of the four grandparents to be a decent grandparent to my kids. Pils and my dad all ignore them when we visit, my pils literally will sit in silence on their phones when we go to visit. The kids now hate going there. My dad is as bad but my mum was great and they loved her.

So mum died on Monday and yesterday was DDs birthday. Obviously this was a difficult day with us all feeling sad. My dad and brother came to us for lunch to celebrate but we didn't do anything else.

Gifts wise, both sets of parents and my brother transferred money to me and dh for us to buy the gifts. They've done this for years but I don't like it, it makes me responsive for all thinking, buying, etc.

Bil doesn't even send cards, let alone gifts the the kids. They barely know he exists. I don't know why he is so uninterested.

Anyway, yesterday was hard and late evening I realised pils had not phoned to wish DD happy birthday. I checked with her Tuesday as they didn't text either. DH spoke to his dad and he said they forgot.

I'm so angry and upset. My kids have three grandparents and have just had a bereavement (I've had no card or text or anything off them expressing condolences) and pils forgot their only granddaughter?? They have literally nothing to do all day, they just sit in their armchairs all day.

DH hasn't told me the full conversation yet but I just don't know if I can get over this. I feel they've completely let my daughter down. She needed everyone left making her birthday as happy as possible. My dad and brother put themselves out to do that despite us all grieving so hard right now, and pils forgot!!?!!

How do I deal with this? I feel like I never want to talk to them again.

Huge hugs for you. Losing a parent is incredibly difficult. 💐

I think you need to accept that your pils just aren’t bothered. It’s pointless trying to generate interest. If they don’t make an effort without prodding, it’s just awful. Some grandparents just don’t care. Look after yourself and stop worrying about those people. Forgetting their granddaughter’s birthday is epically shit.

Your PILS are shit. I'm sorry but you need to move on, drop the rope and stop letting them bother you so much. Live your life and leave your PILS to your husband to deal with, they're his parents.

Sorry for your loss. x

It is epically shit isn't it? And DH just told me he texted them on the day to remind them to call and they still "forgot"!

They told him they would ring her tomorrow but I made him text and tell them that would be even more hurtful for her, and that it's not ok to expect her to graciously accept their apology for forgetting her on the most difficult birthday of her life.

Of all the grandparents to die first why did it have to be my lovely mum who adored them and made them feel so special? My heart is broken for them.

I don't care when they forget me, I care that they hurt my children with their lack of care. My children deserve better grandparents.

And sorry for all the autocorrects in my OP, I just read it and it's full of them. My phone hates me.

So don't let them hurt your children.

They don't even interact with your kids and you still force your kids around to see their grandparents. One of your children has a health condition and you're making her travel when she should be resting. Who is doing that? You.

Protect your kids and just concentrate on the relationships that matter.

Sorry for your loss

I would do fuck all for your in-laws, they sound horrible. No hosting, present buying, reminders etc. If your husband is that arsed he can do it.

I'm just popping in to offer my support- I've lost both my parents, and I think you are absolutely justified in how you feel about your in laws. They actually should have made an extra effort, not zero.
I had issues with both bereavements for other reasons (complex) I found Cruse very helpful; not to solve your in law problem as that is on them, and shame on them; but to maybe give you additional support and they will also understand and listen to how you are feeling.

You might say her health issues are her own fault, but many of us who have done everything right have mobility issues, plus she might not have had the same ability to make good choices as some. You say FIL should get treatment for his anxiety-agreed, but his generation was taught MH was weak/feeble, so again it seems harsh to judge them.
If you always encouraged them and they were always unfair to you, I get that with such a difficult situation, it's frustrating, but they're suffering too.

It’s absolutely ok to feel furious and cheated that your lovely mum has gone. It’s very unfair that the best of the bunch left first.

It’s absolutely ok to decide that your ILs deserve nothing more than the effort they put in. You don’t have to treat them better than they treat you. Let your husband do the running and staying in touch if he wants. Don’t make the DC visit if they don’t want to. Your DC deserve to make the best of their time and their, and it sounds like there are better things to do than visit grandparents who make no effort.

Nothing that would have stopped them making a phone call. We all suffer restrictions and struggle to do everything we’d like. But responsible, caring people do whatever they can. Can’t visit, but can make a phone call. Can transfer money, can send a card. Can indeed chat with and spend time with the dc when they make the effort to visit, despite their own health needs.

That's unfair. We don't go that often since DD became ill but I've always tried to facilitate a relationship with them and to try and get conversation going. I've always been very aware my kids prefer my mum to pils and I wanted to give pils a chance to have a good relationship with them.

But I've stepped back a lot since mum became ill as I wanted to focus on her and making sure we visited her.

I'm sure if I didn't take them at all I would be criticised for that too. I've always tried to put the kids first in everything.

This is how I feel. I'm done with trying to facilitate a relationship with people who won't make any effort.

Fil had texted to apologise to me now dh has said something (pil hadn't contacted me at all with any condolences on my mum) but it's too little too late.

I know some of my anger is grief but I think it's justified too.

I’m sorry your mum died 💐 So so sorry. Take this as a clear sign to bin the shitty in-laws off. Just be done. DH can do what’s best for him but you and DC stop bothering.

It's not your job to facilitate a relationship with PIL, that should be your husband's job. If he can't be arsed to do that then that should tell you all you need to know.

Concentrate on your mental health and mourn your mum properly. Stuff the inlaws. Tell your dh that from now on it's his job to deal with his parents. So they'll criticise you. Big deal, turn your phone off. Become a giant grey rock.

You’ve got the perfect excuse not to visit. It’s too difficult for both dd, especially the one with mobility problems, and you obviously need to stay at home to look after them.
It’s totally up to dh how much effort he wants to put into the relationship. You don’t need to put any effort in, as they don’t.

I am so sorry.

I know something of how you feel, although my DM died long before my DC were born. She would have been the best DGP. My brother said that once and we sat there together and just reflected on it.

Leave your DH to deal with them and focus on your family.

💐

Rereading fils text this morning and I'm even more angry. I want to reply "you still haven't even sent condolences". And I've realised that he has sent the card and written it to "my dad and family" and that is going to be so upsetting for my dad because my mum WAS his family!

And I remembered that when their niece died and my husband told me about her death I texted my mil to send her my condolences and they can't even message me on the death of my mother.

I just don't know what to respond to fil and I don't know if I should even try.

To make things worse it is my son's birthday next week and now we are all damned if they phone him and damned if they don't. If they do phone him then it looks to DD as if they care about him more than her and if they don't phone him then he will be left out and upset too.

I don't know whether to reply to fil and explain exactly how much hurt he has caused or whether I just never speak to them again, because I'm really feeling like those are my options at the moment although I do accept that this is my grief and anger speaking and that I need to sit on these feelings for a while and not make instant decisions.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and this crappy time! Your poor daughter deserved better from her grandparents.

If I was you, I would set this as the precedence - You don't need to go above and beyond for any of them now xx

I am so sorry about your mum, it is heartbreaking.

As for the PILs, I would match the energy they put in to their relationship with you and your children, which sounds like is extremely little. Don't facilitate anything.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mum. It must be a struggle to keep things going while so newly bereaved from someone you done who was so obviously a wonderful woman.

if I were you, I wouldn’t reply to FIL. In fact, I’d put them on mute for a week or two. They don’t merit your headspace right now.

When things are less fraught and emotional, perhaps your DH can have a frank conversation with them about how involved they are with the children and how their seeming indifference stings. Perhaps they don’t realise how much energy it takes to raise a family with additional health complications. but I don’t expect they’ll suddenly step up and be more involved. That’s obviously not who they are. Spend your energy looking after the people most important to you. Including yourself.

Ah sorry for your loss 💐 kids are super resilient so I wouldn’t really say to much about it to them. In time they will release they had crap gps and unfortunately you can not control that. Sounds like you make a awful lot of effort with them to get nothing back, maybe now is the time to
step back abit and let your husband handle them going forward .take it easy x

Honestly OP if it will make you feel better, text them whatever the hell you want.

Show no regard for their feelings because they sure as hell don't spare a thought for yours or your daughter's. I wouldn't waste your time and energy on them again but I would definitely want them to know exactly what I thought of them first.

Do not have any further contact with them. Look after your own DCs and leave PILs to stew. Your DH can deal with them you don't need to. Don't take your DCs to visit as it is too stressful for all concerned.

Sorry for your loss. My ils forgot dc birthday this year, they’ve always been useless but this was the icing on the cake. I will never make an effort again and I feel very content knowing that.